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humor lifestyle storytelling

Broken Glass

Broken glass

BROKEN GLASS

I’m the only one who drinks wine in my family.

I have a nice set of wine glasses that I use for company.

But for myself, I have a casual set that I got for my 26th birthday.

When we moved, I was down to three glasses.

Then I was down to two.

Now, one.

It was in the dish drainer.

And then it was on the floor in a zillion pieces.

When the last one breaks, it will symbolize the end of my youth.

I need to be careful with it.

Meanwhile, while I was unloading the dishwasher this morning, I knocked the sugar bowl off the counter.

Who knew that one small glass bowl could burst into so many glass shards?

I bet if I put them back together, I could get two or even three sugar bowls out of the debris.

What’s up with all this broken glass?

I never break stuff.

And now I’ve broken two things in one week.

Maybe I need to relax with a glass of wine.

Or maybe I need to stop relaxing with a glass of wine.

One of them is probably right.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Fight Club

Fight Club

FIGHT CLUB

We all know the first rule of Fight Club.

Which is really too bad.

We had a great time.

There might have been a cage match between Toenails and Bamm Bamm.

Or maybe not.

There was a rumor that there was some delicious food.

Whiskey shots may or may not have been flowing.

And definitely, maybe, probably not, or certainly there was some heckling.

There’s really no way to be sure.

If you missed it, you’ll never know.

Because of that first rule.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

I’ve Had A Rough Week

I've had a rough week

I’VE HAD A ROUGH WEEK

I’ve had a rough week.

It started with an aggravating three-hour phone call for Bob to confirm his flight. I don’t usually announce when he’s out of town, but both Grown Sons are home with me so it’s OK. Because of the extra-long phone call, we missed picking my car up from the shop where it was being serviced.

Without my car, I couldn’t drive Bob to the airport because no way am I driving his big-a$$ truck. The Grown Son made the airport run in the big-a$$ truck.

Meanwhile, a huge light fixture started to sag away from the ceiling. With Bob out of town, I had to call a handyman. Who couldn’t come until the next day. I was terrified all day that it was going to crash down and cause some very expensive damage.

While I was fretting about the impending light-fixture crash, the power went out. And stayed out. It was 101 degrees. And raining. It was a sauna outside. I envisioned a very hot and very slow crock-pot-like suffocation due to no air conditioning and no ceiling fans.

Thankfully, the power came back on within an hour. And the handyman showed up and fixed the light fixture before it fell. And the Grown Son drove me to pick up my car.

You would think that would be enough.

You’d think.

But then there were the maggots. Yes, maggots. I had thrown out a rotten orange. I was going to take the trash out as soon as the rain let up. But then I noticed the bugs. They were worm-like, but they crunched when I squished them. They were all over the garbage, and all over the kitchen floor. The heck with the rain, I took the trash out right away. And scrubbed every surface. And used bug spray. And threw away the rest of the oranges. Because eww.

Eww, eww, eww.

Now I have the heebie jeebies. I’m creeping out over those maggots.

I am officially begging for mercy.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

A Terrible, Sticky Mess

A terrible, sticky mess

A TERRIBLE, STICKY MESS

I made blackberry jam earlier this summer.

There are a zillion little plastic jars in the freezer.

They are getting in the way.

I need to put them all in a box to keep them organized.

I probably should have done that yesterday.

A jar of jam burst in the freezer.

It was blocking the door from shutting properly.

And it got squished.

Yeah, that was a terrible, sticky mess.

The freezer needed to be cleaned anyway.

And now the jam jars are secured in a box.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

It Was Totally Worth It

It was totally worth it

IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT

I’ve always been an early riser.

It usually serves me well.

I get a head start on my day.

I accomplish a lot before other people are even out of bed.

This weekend, however, it came back to bite me.

I was up very, very late, drinking yummy coconutty drinks with friends I hadn’t seen in a year and a half.

I was not at all pleased to be awake at 5:15 am, just a few hours later.

Have I learned anything from this episode?

Nope.

Not one thing.

I will happily indulge in another evening of yummy coconutty drinks.

It was totally worth it.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

National What Day?

National what day?

NATIONAL WHAT DAY?

Yesterday was National Nude Day.

National what day?

I am eternally grateful that no one I knew celebrated that.

Or if they did, I was blessedly unaware.

Yesterday was also National Tape Measure Day.

Coincidence?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

To top it off, yesterday was also National Pandemonium Day.

Yeah, I can see how that would work.

Naked people running around with tape measures might cause a stir.

Now I know to skip July 14 next year.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

I Can Only Hope

I can only hope

I CAN ONLY HOPE

Today a younger woman asked, regarding The Flintstones, “Which was the boy, Pebbles or Bamm Bamm?”

Seriously?

I’m insulted that she asked.

I’m insulted that I knew the answer.

I’m insulted that she was raised so poorly.

Well, what goes around comes around.

One day someone will ask an equally troubling question about something obvious to her generation.

This moment will come back to bite her one day.

I can only hope.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

I Am Very Disappointed In Myself

I am very disappointed in myself

I AM VERY DISAPPOINTED IN MYSELF

I never remember my dreams.

I am always aware that I had a vivid dream.

But it disappears before I can recall it.

Today was different.

I remembered.

I was at a dinner party.

Where they were serving Burt-Reynolds-shaped pasta.

Seriously?

This is what my subconscious gets up to when I’m not around?

I am very disappointed in myself.

I was certain that I could do better than that.

If anyone knows how to analyze dreams, please just pass this one by.

I don’t want to know what it means.

My only hope is that it was young Burt Reynolds.

Sigh.

I guess I really am as lame as my kids say.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

July Has Some Crazy Holidays

July has some crazy holidays

JULY HAS SOME CRAZY HOLIDAYS

July has some crazy holidays.

Today is National Kissing Day.

Which is a nice idea.

But tomorrow is National Dive Bar Day.

Aren’t these in the wrong order?

Once the kissing has started, the dive bar seems kind of unnecessary.

Moving right along, July 10 is Don’t Step on a Bee Day.

Seriously?

They need a special day for that?

I’ve been celebrating that holiday all my life.

I really think Don’t Step on a Bee Day should come first.

Because once you’ve stepped on that bee, there won’t be any dive bars on the agenda.

Or kissing either.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Fight Club

Fight Club

FIGHT CLUB

It is wonderful to be getting out of the house and seeing people.

My Toastmasters club is finally meeting live again.

We’re so excited to see each other that we’ve been making social plans outside of Toastmasters.

Hiking.

Listening to live music.

Fight Club.

Fight Club?

Turns out someone misheard that.

It was supposed to be Bike Ride.

But Fight Club sounds like fun too.

I’m in.