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humor lifestyle storytelling

An Agonizing Choice

An Agonizing Choice

AN AGONIZING CHOICE

I was hoping for an early frost.

The bugs would die.

And I was planning on dancing on their bug graves.

In bare feet.

But now I’ve had a change of heart.

My tomatoes have had a huge late-season bloom.

I want the frost to hold off a bit.

But I also want the bugs to die.

And I want to dance barefoot.

It’s an agonizing choice.

But it’s not too much to ask, is it?

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humor lifestyle storytelling

Does Gluten Free Eating Have to Be So Awful?

Gluten free

I am trying to eat gluten free.

It’s hard.

I’ve never met a loaf of bread that I don’t like.

Gluten-free breads are awful.

The store-bought varieties are horrible.

I’ve tried baking my own gluten-free bread, but it’s still gross.

And very expensive.

I’d rather not eat bread at all than eat awful bread.

There are some decent gluten-free pastas in the stores.

But they are very limited in variety.

I tried to roll out my own gluten-free ravioli.

With a savory filling and a spicy sauce, you might not notice the gluten-free pasta at all.

That was the idea anyway.

I followed the recipe, but the dough was crumbly and hard to work with.

An extra egg helped, but not much.

I spent all freaking day rolling out homemade ravioli, and it wasn’t even very good.

It was definitely not worth the effort.

Homemade ravioli with wheat pasta is delicious.

The gluten-free stuff, not so much.

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dog lifestyle storytelling

We Named Her Blue

We named her Blue

WE NAMED HER BLUE

We named her Blue.

We had a hard time coming up with this.

I wanted to give her a flower name.

The guys nixed that idea.

I suggested Monet.

She could be an impression of a flower.

They nixed that as well.

They suggested all kinds of hooker names.

Yeah, I nixed those.

Our neighbor dog who we all love is Bear.

We thought of Bear variations.

Yogi. Boo Boo. Smokey. Ted. Paddington.

What about Baloo from The Jungle Book?

We all liked that.

But when we called out the name, it came out as Blue.

The dog responded.

And so she chose her own name.

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dog lifestyle storytelling

POODLE

Poodle

Poodle.

What do you think of when you hear the word “poodle?”

I immediately think of the stupid show-dog haircut.

Foo-foo, puff-balls, and bad dye jobs.

And I laugh, remembering the movie Best In Show.

But not all poodles are show dogs.

Think of the stupid-haircut-types as The Kardashians.

And the non-stupid-haircut-types as the rest of us.

We’re adopting a standard poodle.

She’ll come home to us next week.

We’re rescuing her from an abusive situation.

We’re also rescuing her from a very bad haircut.

She will look like the dogs in these pictures soon enough.

I can’t wait to bring her home.

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humor lifestyle storytelling

Boot Season Starts Today

Boot season starts today

BOOT SEASON STARTS TODAY

It was a betrayal.

A betrayal of the worst kind.

It’s almost unforgiveable.

I opened the front door right over my foot.

My big toenail snapped backwards.

It was bloody and gross and painful.

Yes, I dropped a couple of F-bombs.

An F-bomb is required at a time like that.

I feel betrayed by my flip-flops.

It’s not quite the right weather to give them up in favor of boots.

But boots would never let such an insult happen.

Boots are there to protect you.

Boots would never betray you like that.

Flip-flops, on the other hand, will throw you under the bus.

Or the door.

Whatever.

Time’s up, flip-flops.

Boot season starts today.

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Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Moths Are Gross

Moths are gross

MOTHS ARE GROSS

Moths are gross.

They don’t usually scare me.

It’s more like they creep me out.

They’re stupid.

They don’t flutter sweetly like their beautiful butterfly cousins.

They flail and smack at you relentlessly.

And when you squish them, they turn into dust.

Dust?

Why?

At any rate, this moth is the biggest moth I’ve ever seen.

It made a loud scraping sound against the ground when I nudged it.

Luckily, it was already dead.

Otherwise, you would have heard me screaming all the way across the country.

What is the name for a group of moths?

A flock?

A drove?

A pack?

At any rate, I hope this one is just a freak of nature and not part of a larger herd of freakishly enormous moths in the garage.

Or worse, the house.

Moths – eww.

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Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

The Georgia O’Keeffe Museum

The Georgia O'Keeffe Museum

In Santa Fe, we visited the Georgia O’Keeffe Museum.

Bob was not at all thrilled.

I insisted.

One hour of culture won’t kill him.

Or maybe it will, but I was willing to risk it.

It turns out, though, that you need a reservation to get in.

We didn’t have a reservation.

Bob tried very hard not to show his glee.

However, the museum lady said that they often have space for extra people.

I was only third in line, and she was sure she could squeeze me in.

Bob didn’t want to take a spot from someone who really did want to go.

So he took off for a coffee shop while I toured the museum.

We both ended up having a great time.

Georgia O’Keeffe was not only an amazing artist, she was also a very inspiring person.

“I found I could say things with color and shapes that I couldn’t say any other way – things I had no words for,” is a quote that resonates with me.

Bob got out of going to the museum, but he didn’t get out of listening to me talk about it.

Although he probably wasn’t listening to me either.

If you ever get to Santa Fe, you’ve got to check out the Georgia O’Keeffe museum.

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Categories
humor memoir storytelling

The Greatest Road Closure Ever

The greatest road closure ever

THE GREATEST ROAD CLOSURE EVER

We wanted to drive down the Million Dollar Highway.

The starting point is in the tiny town of Ouray, Colorado.

We arrived just after 8:00 am.

Unfortunately, access to the highway was closed from 8:00 to noon for work on the power lines.

We had a couple of hours to kill.

Ouray has hot springs we could have soaked in.

But they weren’t open to the public that early in the morning.

They also have ATVs to rent to explore the countryside.

But they also weren’t available that early in the morning.

We decided to go for a hike.

There’s a river and a waterfall, and you can hike to the top of the canyon to look down on it.

Off we went.

At the very, very, very top, there’s a bridge that you can walk on to cross the gorge.

It’s metal with an open weave so that you can see the view while you cross.

“We don’t have to do this,” Bob said kindly.

He knows I’m afraid of heights.

“I didn’t climb all the way up here to not cross that bridge,” I said, “I’m doing it.”

Setting my eyes on a spot on the other side, I plowed forward, refusing to look out or down.

I made it!

Bob laughed and said that now I have to go back.

Again, I set my eyes on a spot on the other side and plowed forward, refusing to look out or down.

I’m not sure, but I think I may have died of fright just a little bit.

A few other hikers had approached the bridge by that time.

“Don’t mind me,” I said to them, slightly crazed with fear, “I’m terrified of heights.”

They all cheered because I did it anyway.

I now have some new best friends.

It was the greatest road closure ever.

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Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives

Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives

Whenever we travel, we like to eat at a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives place.

It’s always good.

This time we ate at Norton’s in Santa Barbara.

They are famous for their pastrami.

It was delicious.

We ate at another Triple-D place in Santa Fe called Tune Up.

We sat on the patio and ate chilis rellenos.

It was also delicious.

We have never been disappointed with a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives place.

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Categories
humor memoir storytelling

I’m Home

I'm home

I’M HOME

I’m home from my vacation.

Oh, I needed that break.

I (almost) completely unplugged.

I did very little social media or email or texting.

I still used my electronics, of course.

I read three ebooks and listened to two audiobooks.

I visited family and friends and spent time in my hometown at the beach.

Then we road-tripped back from California through Arizona, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and finally home to Texas.

More stories about the trip will follow.

Right now, I need to go wash all of the bug death off of my car.

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