Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Door-To-Door Solicitors

Door-to-door solicitors

DOOR-TO-DOOR SOLICITORS

The door-to-door solicitors have been ruthless.

Today’s guy was outrageous.

I said no thank you.

He kept talking.

I told him I wasn’t interested.

He kept talking.

I explained that I was in the middle of a meeting and I had to go.

He kept talking.

I shut the door.

He kept talking.

Seriously.

The door was shut, and he continued to talk.

Who did he think he was talking to?

Did he think he was going to make a sale from the closed door?

Finally, eventually, he thanked me.

Or rather, he thanked the door.

And he left.

What a wacko.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

It’s Springtime in North Texas

It's Springtime in North Texas

IT’S SPRINGTIME IN NORTH TEXAS

It’s springtime in North Texas

Bluebonnets are blooming everywhere.

They are spectacular.

People are posing with the flowers and posting pics.

The images are lovely.

But I don’t get it.

How can people traipse into the middle of a field and not get eaten alive by fire ants?

Just the other day I was at the park, and I counted 25 ant hills from where I was standing.

Which means, of course, that there must be thousands of ant hills beyond that spot.

Don’t other people get bitten?

Or is it just me?

The bluebonnets are spectacular.

But I’m keeping my feet on the pavement.

Stupid ants.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Fluffy? Where’s Fluffy?

Fluffy? Where's Fluffy?

FLUFFY? WHERE’S FLUFFY?

Our friends are in the middle of a massive home reconstruction project.

They are living in a tiny corner of their home while the rest of the house is in shambles.

Recently, late at night, they heard their cat crying out.

But they couldn’t find Fluffy.

Had they accidentally left him outside?

Was he locked in one of the closed-off rooms?

Fluffy? Where’s Fluffy?

Using flashlights, they searched the construction zone.

Finally, they solved the mystery.

Fluffy was trapped inside of a newly-built wall.

They had to cut a hole to let him out.

In the morning, they had to explain the hole to their contractor.

Who laughed so hard that he cried.

And immediately texted pictures to all of his builder friends.

He wasn’t even mad that he had to redo the wall.

I guess that’s one way to celebrate National Hairball Awareness Day.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Today is National Hairball Awareness Day

Today is National Hairball Awareness Day

TODAY IS NATIONAL HAIRBALL AWARENESS DAY

Today is National Hairball Awareness Day.

Seriously?

We need a national holiday for that?

Why?

How do you celebrate National Hairball Awareness Day?

What kind of food to you prepare?

What do you wear to the party?

What activities do you plan?

This holiday is way too stressful.

I’ll take Taco Tuesday any day over National Hairball Awareness Day.

I instinctively know what to do on Taco Tuesday.

This is why I’m not a cat person.

Categories
lifestyle storytelling weather

Here We Go Again

Here we go again

HERE WE GO AGAIN

Here we go again!

In February we had Snowmageddon.

With no power or water for days.

In March we had hail.

Baseball-sized hail with lots of property damage.

And now, in April, we have had another hailstorm.

This time the hail was much smaller than baseballs.

But the storm was relentless.

In the light of day, there doesn’t appear to be major damage in the neighborhood.

The trees and fences are still standing, and the rooftops appear intact.

The roofer is coming back to re-inspect our newly-installed roof.

Our truck is currently at the body shop being fixed up from the last storm.

I imagine if there is any damage from the new storm, their liability insurance will cover it.

That’s the third strike, Mother Nature.

You’re out.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

It’s Going To Be A Long and Regretful Day

A regretful day

IT’S GOING TO BE A LONG AND REGRETFUL DAY

I needed some change to tip my dog groomer.

I stopped at the QT on the corner to break a 20.

I was going to buy a pack of gum.

But then I saw the corn nuts.

I haven’t had corn nuts in years.

Oh, I used to love corn nuts.

I remembered a wonderful, tasty indulgence.

However, it soon became apparent that corn nuts haven’t aged well.

Or perhaps it’s me that hasn’t aged well.

I didn’t make this unfortunate discovery until I’d finished the entire lot.

It’s going to be a long and regretful day.

But at least I’ve got some cash to tip the groomer.

Categories
family humor storytelling

I Saw It Online, It Must Be True

I saw it online, it must be true

I SAW IT ONLINE, IT MUST BE TRUE

I read that younger siblings cause older siblings to have high blood pressure.

Seriously?

I saw it on line.

It must be true.

All right already.

Sheesh.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you think I caused your high blood pressure.

There.

Are you happy now?

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

No Thanks Charlotte, I’ll Pass

No thanks Charlotte

NO THANKS CHARLOTTE, I’LL PASS

At our Toastmasters meeting this week, the theme was YouTube.

Which led to a general discussion of social media.

It brought to mind my new friend Charlotte, who has been a prominent figure in my life lately.

Charlotte has been messaging me, urging me to click her link to see pictures of her bodacious booty.

However, I am not the least bit interested in Charlotte’s bodacious booty.

In fact, I’m almost certain that Charlotte doesn’t have a bodacious booty.

I’ll bet Charlotte is a sloppy middle-aged guy in need of a shower and a toothbrush who is waiting for the perfect opportunity to drain my bank account.

No thanks, Charlotte, I’ll pass.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

This Is How It Ends, Isn’t It?

This is how it ends, isn't it?

THIS IS HOW IT ENDS, ISN’T IT?

There were some robins in the Vitex trees outside my kitchen door.

They were brilliantly and spectacularly bright red.

I watched them, enchanted, for quite some time.

And then it hit me.

Old people watch birds.

I am watching birds.

Crap.

This is how it ends, isn’t it?

Categories
lifestyle memoir storytelling

Poor, Dumb Little Dog

Dumb little dog

Oh my poor, dumb little dog.

We built a patio cover.

And now she can’t figure out the weather.

I was sitting on the patio, watching the rain.

She poked her nose out of the doggy door and came out to join me.

She was a little perplexed because she could see the rain and she could hear the rain, and she could smell the rain, but it wasn’t raining.

She tried to step off the patio, but it was, in fact, raining.

She quickly stepped back under the cover.

She tried another side of the patio.

Yeah, it was raining there too.

She went back to the first spot, and yes, it was still raining over there.

She gave me a perplexed look.

And didn’t seem to appreciate that I laughed at her.

She rage sighed and stalked back indoors.

Poor dumb little dog.