Categories
family humor storytelling

That’s Bad News For Me

That's bad news for me

THAT’S BAD NEWS FOR ME

I read an article that said that tall women tend to have a longer life span.

Seriously?

That’s bad news for me.

In my mind I can hear the Grown Sons scoffing.

It sucks to be you,” is what they might say.

Or, “That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.”

Now I’m mad.

Their imaginary disrespect is insulting.

That’s it – I’m leaving everything I have to the dog.

And that may happen very soon, according to the article that I read.

Categories
storytelling

A Grocery Clerk with an Attitude

A grocery clerk with an attitude

A GROCERY CLERK WITH AN ATTITUDE

Nothing says IDGAF like a grocery clerk with an attitude.

Who manhandles all of my items.

And processes the entire order one handed.

While rage sighing throughout the entire transaction.

I know he’s tired.

We’re all tired.

It’s been a long ordeal here in Texas.

But come on, seriously?

Categories
storytelling Toastmasters writing

An Amazing Comedy Writing Workshop

An amazing comedy writing workshop

AN AMAZING COMEDY WRITING WORKSHOP

What an amazing Comedy Writing Workshop that was!

Thank you Elite Toastmasters for sponsoring this fabulous event.

Thank you, Kirkland Tibbels for presenting.

Thank you, Tim Mullins for organizing this workshop.

Kirkland spoke about the structure of comedy.

You take a regular person and place them in a regular situation, and then you collide that world with something unexpected.

We used several Toastmasters in the room as an example and created some very funny scenarios.

Kirkland, I haven’t seen you in ages.

It was great to catch up with you.

Let me know when you schedule another workshop – I’ll be sure to attend.

Categories
storytelling

If I Never See Snow Again…

If I never see snow again...

IF I NEVER SEE SNOW AGAIN, IT WILL BE TOO SOON

That was the weirdest week of my life.

Now I know how the Donner Party felt.

If it had gone on any longer, I might have turned into Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

Honey, I’m hooome.”

At one point, three days in, with no power and no water and freaking frigid temperatures, the electricity finally came back on.

I was like a kid at Christmas!

I bustled about, tidying up, anticipating the house heating up.

I was especially waiting for the water heater.

Oh, how I wanted hot water.

And then….

And then the power went out again.

I could have wept for my lost shower opportunity.

I zipped my parka back up and plopped back under all of my blankets.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And…finally…the power came back on!

This time I was more cautious.

It might not last.

After an hour, I thought that maybe the electricity was here to stay.

Should I take a shower?

By this time it was late at night.

If we lost power again, I would be stranded in the pitch dark.

In single-digit temperatures.

Should I risk it?

We’re still on boil-water orders.

What if the water isn’t clean?

Oh, but what the heck.

I’ve waited long enough.

I brought a flashlight just in case.

It was the most glorious shower I have ever had in my life.

If I had gotten violently ill from dirty water, it still would have been worth it.

But I didn’t get sick.

If I never see snow again, it will be too soon.

Categories
humor storytelling

The Conditions are Blizzard Like

The conditions are blizzard like

THE CONDITIONS ARE BLIZZARD LIKE

I decided to put on my snow gear and take a walk in the zero-degree Texas snowstorm.

On top of many layers of clothing, I put on my Polaris snow boots.

I put on my Lands End subzero jacket.

I put on a cap, a neck gator, a scarf and ski gloves.

I was actually pretty warm.

Except for my eyeballs.

My eyeballs were the only part of me exposed.

And they were so cold they hurt.

The news says that the conditions are blizzard like.

But I’m not so sure about that.

Yeah, it was windy.

And cold.

And the snow was coming down furiously.

But there was plenty of visibility.

I’ll admit that this California girl doesn’t know much about blizzards.

But I did read Little House on the Prairie when I was a kid.

They would worry about Pa finding his way from the house to the barn and back again.

Pa would not lose his way today.

He might get frostbite.

But he could easily find his way through this snow.

Blizzard – ha!

Categories
humor storytelling

Put Down That Fork

Put down that fork

PUT DOWN THAT FORK

Today I have an appointment.

What might have been just an errand a year ago is now an occasion.

I put on real pants, not yoga pants.

I put on real shoes, not slippers.

And all I can say is, “OUCH!”

Everything is too tight.

Well now I know what I need to do.

I’m going to dress in real clothes every day from now on.

The pain and suffering will remind me to PUT DOWN THAT FORK!

That’s how it works, right?

Categories
family humor storytelling

Random Acts of Mild Aggravation

Random Acts of Mild Aggravation

RANDOM ACTS OF MILD AGGRAVATION

The Grown Son was insulted that I criticized the housekeeping standards of his truck.

He began a revenge campaign of Random Acts of Mild Aggravation.

He moved the cereal to a different pantry shelf.

He left several cabinet doors open.

He fiddled with the knobs on the dryer.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

In college, we did the exact same thing to one of our roommates.

We didn’t take anything, and we didn’t break anything.

We simply “adjusted” everything in her room.

She wasn’t amused.

In fact, she was quite angry.

That roommate will be pleased to know that Karma has finally caught up with me.

She won’t be so pleased to know that I still think it’s funny.

Categories
humor storytelling

Today I Swept the Leaves

Today I swept the leaves

Today I swept the leaves off the front porch.

Then the wind picked up.

And deposited a brand new mess in its place.

Maybe I should consider living in squalor.

It would certainly be a more efficient method of keeping house.

Categories
humor storytelling

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day

The groundhog called it.

Six more weeks of winter.

Well, I guess I don’t mind six more weeks of 60 and sunny.

Yeah, I’m game.

Good call, groundhog, good call.

Categories
family storytelling

I Knew I Shouldn’t Have Eaten Them

I knew I shouldn't have eaten them

I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE EATEN THEM

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

The Caramel Delight Girl Scout cookies.

Chocolate gives me a migraine.

But they were calling my name.

Like a siren song.

They lured me in.

And they were so delicious.

And coconut-y.

And caramel-y.

And chocolate-y.

Now I have a raging headache.

Have I learned any valuable life lessons from this experience?

No.

No, I have not.