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family storytelling

Well Played, Mom, Well Played

Well played, Mom, well played.

WELL PLAYED, MOM, WELL PLAYED

I miss my mom at Thanksgiving.

She was a fabulous chef.

Her grandmother taught her how to cook.

I make their recipes every year, and it’s as if they were here at my table.

However, the very best thing I ever learned from my mother wasn’t exactly a recipe.

She taught me to clean as I cook so that when dinner is over, there’s not much work left to do.

This drove me crazy when I was a kid, but I get it now.

My mother would be very pleased.

She loved to say, “I told you so.”

Well played, Mom, well played.

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storytelling

Happy Thanksgiving Day

Happy Thanksgiving Day

HAPPY THANKSGIVING DAY

The first casualty of our Thanksgiving celebration was a small cut on my finger.

Really, it was so small and insignificant that I didn’t even know it was there.

Until it found the salt.

Rumor has it that some violent cursing ensued.

I will neither confirm nor deny that rumor.

But let’s just say that the wound is no longer small nor insignificant.

Happy Thanksgiving Day!

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storytelling

My Swan Song for 2020

My Swan Song

MY SWAN SONG FOR 2020

The sh**show that is 2020 just keeps on giving.

I did a load of wash with some Kleenex in a pocket.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the backyard, plucking thousands and thousands of Kleenex shards off of all of the clothes.

And cursing.

With any luck, this will be my swan song for 2020.

Categories
storytelling

My Grocery Store Has Changed The Layout

My grocery store has changed the layout.

My grocery store has changed the layout.

It’s a tragedy!

The holidays are upon us, and I can’t find a thing that I need.

I hate when they do this.

It totally throws me off.

The Kroger near me is enormous.

I have had to criss-cross the vast expanse of this place several times because they moved the sour cream.

This is, of course, why they do it.

They want to keep the customers in the store longer.

I’m so mad that I’m tempted to boycott.

But I can’t because I need food.

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storytelling

I Would Make a Terrible Spy

I would make a terrible spy

I WOULD MAKE A TERRIBLE SPY

The theme for our Toastmasters meeting last night was James Bond.

In honor of Sean Connery.

I would make a terrible spy.

I can’t lie.

I would stick my foot in my mouth and blow my spy persona.

Then I would try to compensate and only make it worse.

That would be before the martinis.

Once the martinis started flowing, I would still put my foot in my mouth.

But I wouldn’t even try to compensate.

I would just blabber all of the secrets.

And laugh.

Yeah, I can’t lie.

Which made my recent incident of punking my kid so epic.

He was furious that I pulled it off so well.

But he was also impressed.

As was I.

It was a bittersweet moment.

I have peaked.

I will never be able to lie so beautifully again.

Or will I?

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storytelling

I Think I Saw Chupacabra

I think I saw Chupacabra

I THINK I SAW CHUPACABRA

We took a long motorcycle ride on Sunday.

And boy, there was a lot of roadkill out there.

I’ve never seen so much of it.

There were racoons and coyotes.

And lots and lots of pigs.

I’m almost certain I saw chupacabra on the side of the road.

I guess y’all can rest easy now.

Unless there is more than one chupacabra.

In that case, carry on, and continue to worry.

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storytelling

National Nachos Day

National Nachos Day

I just now learned that today is National Nachos Day.

Seriously?

I already had my dinner.

Why didn’t I know about this before I ate?

I know, I know, I am a grownup and I can eat nachos any time I want.

But I would have liked to have been invited to the party.

I have been holding up well this entire terrible year.

But this is the last straw.

Now I think I need to rage eat a second dinner.

I would, if only I had a more youthful metabolism.

Sigh.

National Nachos Day.

It’s going on the calendar for next year.

Categories
storytelling

The Holly Bushes in my Front Yard

the holly bushes in my front yard

THE HOLLY BUSHES IN MY FRONT YARD

I put spider webbing all over the holly bushes in my front yard.

It looked good and spooky.

I never really thought about how I was going to take it down.

Holly is a beautiful, sentimental, Christmasy sort of plant.

But it’s got evil, Halloweeny, razor-sharp leaves.

And all I had in the house were crayon band-aids from our recent ER visit.

Next year I will decorate the front door and the oak tree.

But not the vicious holly bushes.

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storytelling

ADIOS PANTALONES

adios pantalones

ADIOS PANTALONES

I returned to the liquor store today to buy my vermouth.

In line in front of me was a woman with an interesting item.

The name of it was hilarious.

I wanted to ask her about it.

But would that be rude?

It’s really none of my business.

I didn’t ask.

But when I got home, I Googled it.

Apparently “Adios Pantalones” is a beer.

It’s made by Rahr & Sons Brewing Company.

We’ve been there.

We liked it.

I guess I’ll have to make another trip to the liquor store.

I need to try some Adios Pantalones.

Categories
storytelling

The Crazy Liquor Laws in Texas

the crazy liquor laws in Texas

THE CRAZY LIQUOR LAWS IN TEXAS

I’ll never get used to the crazy liquor laws in Texas.

In Texas, the grocery stores only sell beer and wine.

You have to go to a liquor store to buy anything else.

I don’t drink much, so I always forget.

I am out of vermouth.

I don’t even like to drink it, but I cook with it.

The liquor store is right near the grocery store, and it would be no problem to pop in.

If only I could remember to do it.

I decided to make a special trip to the liquor store today.

I even remembered that in Texas, you can’t buy any alcohol before noon on Sundays.

I planned my shopping trip for this afternoon.

Only to find out that the liquor store is closed on Sundays.

Seriously?

I googled all the other nearby liquor stores.

They are also closed on Sundays.

Why in the world would a liquor store close on a Sunday?

The day of rest is why we need liquor in the first place.

Sigh.

I’ll go on Monday.