Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

Stupid Ant

Stupid ant

STUPID ANT

I got bit again.

This time it was not a murder hornet.

I know because I saw it.

It was an ant.

I don’t know if it was a fire ant.

It wasn’t red.

But it was huge.

And it was squished by the time I got done with it.

It bit me right under the flip-flop strap.

And now I’ve got a painful welt and I can’t wear flip-flops.

A tragedy!

Until I found a different pair of flip-flops in my closet with a different strap angle.

Whew!

I can still wear flip-flops.

Stupid ant.

Categories
lifestyle reading writing

It Could Be a Very Interesting Concept

It could be a very interesting concept

IT COULD BE A VERY INTERESTING CONCEPT

I’ve been binge-reading Baldacci thrillers.

I’ve been binge-watching True Detective on HBO.

I can’t help but notice the similarities between Rustin Cohle and Amos Decker.

They both suffered devastating losses.

They both suffered brain injuries.

They both are insufferably self absorbed.

And they are both trying to do the best they can with the rotten hand they’ve been dealt.

Now I want to see a crossover where Cohle and Decker work a case together.

Marty Hart and Melvin Mars would have to show up too, to keep them from killing each other.

It could be a very interesting concept.

Categories
humor lifestyle teaching

Chicken and Candy For Dinner

Chicken and candy for dinner

CHICKEN AND CANDY FOR DINNER

My beginning English student told me that he had eaten chicken and candy for dinner.

I hesitated a moment before I clarified that.

Who am I to judge?

Maybe he DID eat chicken and candy for dinner.

It sounds like great comfort food.

A few shots of whiskey would make an excellent dessert pairing.

I was very disappointed to find out, on questioning him, that he had actually eaten chicken and vegetables for dinner.

I am now rethinking my own dinner plans for tonight.

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

Karen

Karen

KAREN

I told the Grown Son that I don’t like his use of the term “Karen.”

It’s insulting.

Our next-door neighbor is Karen.

And she’s lovely.

The Grown Son confirmed that next-door Karen is not a Karen.

And neither am I.

He assured me, however, that I am still annoying, even if I’m not a Karen.

By the time he got through his long-winded, backhanded compliment, I had stopped listening.

I had also stopped caring.

Does that make me a Karen?

Whatever.

Categories
humor quarantine speaking

At a Recent Toastmasters Meeting

At a recent Toastmasters meeting

AT A RECENT TOASTMASTERS MEETING

At a recent Toastmasters meeting, an interesting discussion broke out about a certain location.

I had never heard of the place.

But apparently everyone else had.

The conversation turned in a hilarious but slightly inappropriate direction.

Well, I couldn’t just let that pass me by.

I had to Google it.

And, oh my, it certainly is inappropriate.

But in an entirely different way than the conversation would have led me to believe.

Some of our Toastmasters members have some explaining to do!

Categories
dog humor quarantine

My Dog Groomer is Back in Business

My dog groomer is back in business

MY DOG GROOMER IS BACK IN BUSINESS

Yay – my dog groomer is back in business.

But it’s not business as usual.

It was curbside drop-off and pick-up only.

People weren’t allowed inside the facility.

I had to wait in the car, and they escorted the dog in and out.

It felt like the elementary school drop-off zone.

But without the bickering, the forgotten library books and the random lost shoe.

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

It Was a Murder Hornet

it was a murder hornet

IT WAS A MURDER HORNET

I got a bug bite on my ankle the other day.

I didn’t see what bit me.

But holy smokes, it HURT.

And it keeps getting worse.

It has turned into an itchy and painful rock-hard welt.

I think it was a murder hornet.

I’m certain it was a murder hornet.

And that’s the story I’m sticking with.

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

A Huge Tree

a huge tree

A HUGE TREE

I’ve got this huge tree in the front yard.

It’s out of control.

I called a tree guy in to give an estimate for service.

From a safe six feet away, the tree guy said it’s a Live Oak tree.

I kind of freaked out.

I can’t just have our oak tree trimmed in the front yard in full public view.

I need permits.

I need permission.

I will probably be refused the permit, and the tree will wreck the roof.

Eventually it will wreck the driveway, the sidewalk, the foundation and the plumbing.

And then I remembered that I don’t live in Thousand Oaks anymore.

I don’t need a permit to trim my overgrown oak tree.

Whew!

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

Gluten Free?

gluten free?

GLUTEN FREE?

What happened to the whole gluten-free thing?

What in the world are people doing with all of the yeast?

The yeast is all sold out in all of the stores.

I have called around to Albertsons, Aldi, Target, Walmart and two different Krogers.

I finally found some today at Winco.

But it’s not packaged in the usual envelopes.

It comes in a one-pound sack.

And it’s labeled instant yeast.

Is that the same as rapid-rise yeast?

I’m having an I Love Lucy flashback to the episode where she tried to bake bread.

I need to do a Google search on how to use this kind of yeast so I don’t have a Lucy episode of my own.

Categories
lifestyle quarantine

My Vegetable Garden

my vegetable garden

MY VEGETABLE GARDEN

My vegetable garden is sprouting.

Is it a coincidence that this is happening on the tenth anniversary of my mother’s death?

Is it a sign?

No.

I planted the garden last week so of course it is sprouting this week.

Still, it’s nice to see signs of life on this somber anniversary.