Categories
storytelling

I Should Never Try To Multitask

I should never try to multitask

I SHOULD NEVER TRY TO MULTITASK

I should never try to multitask.

I did several things at once.

And all of the things ended up wrecked.

Now I’m way behind in my schedule.

There’s only one thing to do at a time like this.

Blast some really, really, really, loud music.

This didn’t actually solve the problem.

But I listened to The Tractors.

At full volume.

It’s all good.

Categories
family storytelling

It Had Better Be Freaking Delicious

Woman considering options

IT HAD BETTER BE FREAKING DELICIOUS

When we moved in, the backyard was not at all landscaped.

There was just grass and a fence.

I’ve planted trees and flowers.

They’re growing like crazy.

I’ve planted a row of blackberry bushes.

They’re growing like crazy.

I’ve planted a vegetable garden.

For some reason, the vegetables are floundering.

I’ve tried all kinds of solutions.

I’ve spent the entire summer planting and replanting the vegetables.

Finally, in the middle of August, we have one pepper that has bloomed.

That one pepper is going to be the most expensive, pampered vegetable that was ever grown.

I could have bought a pepper in the grocery store for a quarter.

All I can say is that for the amount of effort that I have poured into that one pepper, it had better be freaking delicious.

Categories
family storytelling

Fire Ants Are Evil

Woman angry at fire ants

Fire Ants Are Evil

We’ve been in Texas for two years.

We’ve gotten rid of the chiggers.

We’ve controlled the mosquitos.

We’ve held the wasps at bay.

But there is nothing to be done about the fire ants.

They are evil.

They laugh when you spray them with Raid.

They thumb their little ant noses and continue on their devious ant missions.

I have several new bites on my hand.

How in the world did they get on my hand?

And why would they stop there?

Why didn’t they crawl up and bite my arm?

If I knew what made them stop after biting my hand, I would do that thing again.

And again and again and again.

Stupid ants.

Categories
storytelling work

National Book Lover’s Day

National Book Lover's Day

NATIONAL BOOK LOVER’S DAY

Today is National Book Lover’s Day.

My favorite book ever is John Steinbeck’s East of Eden.

It is a beautiful retelling of the story of Cain and Abel.

It’s the story of fathers and sons.

It’s the story of sin and redemption.

It’s the story of love and rage and free will.

I have my grandfather’s copy.

It’s dog eared and coffee stained.

And I love it because they are his dog ears and his coffee stains.

I never met my grandfather, but we read this book together.

“His whispered word seemed to hang in the air: ‘timshel.’

And he slept.”

Categories
storytelling work

What Do You Say When You Agree?

what do you say when you agree

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU AGREE?

The interpreters in my ESL classes are often useless.

Sometimes they are downright awful.

Today’s lesson was about expressions indicating agreement.

Of course, absolutely, that’s right, no kidding, certainly.

“What do you say when you agree?” is what I asked.

“What do you say when you are gay?” is what

the interpreter wrote in the chat box.

Oh.

Goodness.

That is not what I said.

That is not the correct interpretation.

That is certainly not the topic of the day.

Proofread before you post, interpreters.

Please proofread.

Categories
family storytelling

Ant Bite Status

ant bite status

ANT BITE STATUS

Update on my ant bite status:

OUCH!!!

I have at least 15 bites on my foot.

Although it’s hard to count because some of them

are blending into each other.

I also have several bites on my hand where I swatted at them.

I have been dousing the bites in vinegar nonstop.

It’s a very stinky solution.

But it eases the pain.

Stupid ants.

Categories
family storytelling

A Fire Ant Bite

Fire Ants

A FIRE ANT BITE

The only thing worse than a fire ant bite is several fire ant bites.

Yep, I stepped on an ant hill.

For a moment, I was wearing an ant sock.

I got about half a dozen bites, and I’m surprised there weren’t more.

Right now it’s just a little sting.

But I know that in the middle of the night, I am going to wake up with napalm-filled blisters.

Stupid ants.

Categories
storytelling work

We Were Talking About Pets

We were talking about pets

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PETS

Today in my ESL class, we were talking about pets.

One of the students mixed up his vocabulary.

He asked, “How do you play with your little uncle?”

He meant to say puppy instead of uncle.

And now I can’t get that disturbing image out of my mind.

Categories
family storytelling

Lesson Learned

Lesson learned

LESSON LEARNED

As I was leaving for the grocery store, I asked the Grown Son to pull the trash cans in.

He complained that he has to do everything around here.

He slammed the door and ignored my request.

And then he texted me a list of things to buy for him.

I left him on read.

After several more texting attempts, he had an epiphany.

He sent me a pic of the cans that he had put away.

I added his items to my cart.

Lesson learned.

Hopefully.

Categories
family storytelling

I Was Putting Away the Folded Laundry

I was putting away the folded laundry.

I was putting away the folded laundry.

I held it in my arms instead of a laundry basket.

All my laundry baskets have disappeared

since both boys have moved back home.

I wasn’t wearing my glasses.

And I couldn’t hit the light switch because my hands were full.

I tried to make my way blind and in the dark.

I tried, but I failed.

I dropped all of the folded laundry.

And then I tripped over the pile.

So yeah, that’s how my day is starting out.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be day drinking and cursing.