Categories
Writing Your Life Story

How To Make The Perfect Winter Forecast!

The Winter Forecast

According to The Internet, this winter is going to be rough.

El Niño is predicted to hit hard.

Also, it’s going to miss my region altogether.

We’re going to get an incredible amount of rain.

And we should prepare for a worrisome drought.

It will be unusually cold.

And much, much warmer than expected.

In other words, it’s a regular winter prediction.

We might get a lot of rain.

We might not.

Which, when you think about it, is a brilliant forecasting strategy.

Predict every possible scenario, and by the end of winter, you’re guaranteed to be right.

Even a broken clock is right twice a day.

It’s weather forecasting with no risk and excellent job security.

Every winter, we get that one really cold week with a bit of snowfall, and everyone freaks out.

Schools close.

Bread disappears from grocery store shelves.

People post pictures of icicles as if they’ve discovered a new species.

And someone inevitably proclaims:

“This is it. The end of the world!”

When, in fact, it’s just winter.

We get an icy week every year.

Then it gets warm again.

I’m taking this winter’s predictions with a grain of salt.

And possibly a snow shovel.

Just in case.

Categories
Writing Your Life Story

That First Cool Breeze is Amazing!

A Cool Breeze

Is it?

Could it be?

What in the world?

After what seems like years and years and years of a scorching hot summer…

I think I felt…

A cool breeze!

Seriously?

Did I really feel that?

Woo hoo!

It’s time to haul out the boots and sweaters and socks.

I know, I know, I know.

One cool breeze does not mean it’s sweater weather.

Yet.

But a girl can hope, can’t she?

Categories
Writing Your Life Story

How To Get Out Of The Emergency Room Quickly

Emergency Room

I wasn’t planning on spending Labor Day weekend in the Emergency Room.

Although, to be truthful, the Grown Son wasn’t planning on spending it with a dislocated shoulder, either.

But that’s exactly where we found ourselves.

It’s been a long time since I’ve been to an emergency room.

Apparently, everyone else had the same idea.

It was packed.

We settled in for a very, very, very long wait.

I’d brought a book.

I figured I had plenty of time to read.

But then, less than an hour later, they were done.

Done.

And they apologized for the wait.

The wait.

In an emergency room.

I barely had time to read a chapter.

Not that I’m complaining.

Hopefully, I’ll never need an emergency room again.

But if I do?

I know where I’m going.

Medical City.

And next time, I’m bringing a shorter book.

Categories
Dog Writing Your Life Story

On The Rug Again – It’s Her Walk-On Song!

On The Rug Again

Why? Why? Why?

Why does Blue always find a rug to throw up on?

Our house is mostly hard floors.

Hard floors are easy to clean.

But Blue prefers to puke on a rug.

Naturally, I Googled it.

Apparently, I’m not the only person who has asked this question.

The answer popped right up in my feed.

According to the internet, a textured rug gives a dog something to grip while she’s barfing.

A hard floor is too slippery for all the straining and contractions involved in vomiting.

Which makes perfect sense.

But still…

Why didn’t she bark to go outside?

So there I was, cleaning the carpet very, very early this morning.

And I started thinking…

Isn’t there a song called On the Rug Again?

I just can’t wait to go on the rug again.

Apparently, that’s Blue’s walk-on song.

She never misses her cue.

Categories
Work Writing Your Life Story

Five-Star Reviews: The Best Thing All Week

Five-Star Review

The past couple of weeks have been a sh**show.

A clusterf**k.

A total FUBAR.

One bad thing happened.

And then another.

And another.

The more bad things happened, the more frustrated I got.

And the more frustrated I got, the more distracted I got.

And the more distracted I got, the more mistakes I made…

Yeah. It’s been like that.

But then something happened that reminded me that maybe the universe wasn’t completely out to get me.

I started getting five-star reviews.

Several of them.

One parent wrote that her child had gained confidence. Another said I had become such a familiar part of their household that I felt like family.

And several parents mentioned something that meant even more to me than improved reading skills:

Their child actually looked forward to my class!

That one got me.

And those were just my youth classes.

The adults had some pretty great things to say, too.

One said I had given him renewed confidence.

Another said my class was the highlight of the week.

And one told me they had gotten a job promotion because of the communication skills they developed in class.

So maybe the past couple of weeks weren’t a complete disaster after all.

Maybe they were just…

a sh**show with five-star reviews.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Categories
Dog Writing Your Life Story

What In The World Happened on June 29?

June 29

Bosco, the new puppy, threw up.

That’s not particularly noteworthy.

Dogs vomit all the time.

What’s interesting is that he threw up on Monday.

Why does that matter?

Because if you’re a Seinfeld fan, you know June 29 is Jerry’s Vomit Day.

“Can you believe it? I’m vomiting on June 29 again!”

Jerry did it in 1972 and again in 1980.

Then there was the infamous black-and-white cookie incident.

Although…weren’t they wearing jackets? That couldn’t have been June 29.

Maybe that’s when Jerry’s streak finally ended.

Good thing Bosco is ready to take over.

Apparently June 29 still needs someone to vomit.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Categories
Writing Your Life Story

Hail To The New Puppy King!

Bosco the Rescue Puppy

The Grown Son adopted a shelter puppy.

And then his air conditioner died.

He and his dog have moved back home to wait out the HVAC repair and then some flooding damage repair.

This dog is adorable and sweet and smart and supposedly very easy to train.

BUT…

Yeah, there’s a but….

He’s still  just a puppy.

His name is Bosco,  but we’ve been calling him The Pee Pee King.

And a few other names that can’t be repeated.

He’s making progress with the house training.

But I still don’t trust him.

Seriously, how could anyone named The Pee Pee King be trusted?

He has stolen a ham sandwich, wrecked a window blind, destroyed a yoga mat, chewed through several leashes, and has serenaded more than one video call with separation-anxiety howing.

Today was the worst.

He was playing with something in the backyard.

I thought it was a bit of garbage.

Wrong!

It was a dead bird.

Ewwww.

I don’t know if he killed it or if he found it dead.

He’s a Bluetick Coonhound, a hunting breed, so maybe he did kill it.

Now his newest nickname is Dead Bird Breath.

Nobody was home so I had to shovel the dead bird myself.

Bosco, like Blue and Wrigley and all the family dogs before him, is destined to become the Best Dog Ever.

Just as soon as he finishes his reign as The Pee Pee King and Dead Bird Breath.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Categories
Writing Your Life Story

The Most Reliable Way to Haunt Your Blackberries

Haunted blackberries

I have a huge blackberry vine.

I love the fresh berries.

Last year, the birds got to it.

They cleaned out the entire vine.

I didn’t get a single blackberry.

And I was furious.

This year, I netted the vine.

And it seems to be working.

The vine flowered.

Tiny berries appeared everywhere.

I went outside to harvest the first ripe blackberries.

I was excited.

Until I saw it.

Something tangled in the net.

What in the world is THAT?

I screamed.

Bob came running outside.

Then he laughed.

And laughed.

And laughed.

Despite the fact that this was absolutely NOT funny.

What was it?

A dead, mummified lizard.

Apparently, the poor little guy got tangled in the net…

And then slow-roasted in the afternoon sun.

Bob grabbed scissors, cut him loose, and tossed him in the garbage.

As if that solved everything.

But I’m not convinced.

What if the blackberries are haunted now?

What if the Evil Spirit of the Angry Lizard Mummy has cursed the vine?

Because honestly?

If I got trapped in a net and baked alive in the Texas heat…

I’d haunt somebody too.

Bob says he doesn’t care.

He plans to eat the berries anyway.

And unfortunately…

I kind of agree with him.

I do love fresh blackberries.

Still…

I’ll probably eat them very carefully.

Just in case…

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Categories
Writing Your Life Story

Why I Didn’t Get A New Pair of Flip FLops

Flip Flops

It’s mid-May.

The weather is warming up.

Summer’s almost here.

And every store has flip flops on display.

I saw some I liked.

On sale.

In several different colors.

I would have bought a pair or two.

But…

Yes, there’s a “but” in this story.

A big but.

The size 10s were on the bottom rack.

And the size 5s were WAAAAAY up high.

Seriously?

Anyone wearing a size 10 could easily reach the top shelf.

But someone wearing a size 5?

Not so much.

At the end of the season, they’re going to wonder why the smaller sizes didn’t sell.

Maybe they’ll stop carrying small sizes altogether because “there’s no demand.”

Well duh.

They should put the big sizes on the top shelves.

And keep the small sizes down low where people like me can actually reach them.

Otherwise, in drug stores across the country, you’ll see petite women staring longingly at flip flops that they cannot buy.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

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Categories
Dog Writing Your Life Story

Why A Dog Barking Caused Pre-Dawn Panic

All. Night. Long. The Story of a Dog Barking.

All. Night. Long.

A dog was barking.

I was exhausted. Irritated. Sleep deprived.

At 5:00 a.m., I had a horrifying thought…

Where’s Blue?

What if it’s MY dog?

What if I’ve been the cause of the all-night mayhem?

Cue panic.

Cue guilt.

Cue me sprinting to the back door like a terrible pet owner in a redemption arc.

I whistled.

Blue came cheerfully trotting in…

from another room in the house.

Not my dog barking.

Whew!

Instant relief.
Total forgiveness.
Inner peace.

…although at 10:00 a.m. that freaking dog was STILL barking.

My compassion comes with a very limited warranty.

Your move. What’s your version of the barking dog?

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

HOW TO WRITE ANECDOTAL HUMOR

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