Categories
humor memoir storytelling

I’m Home

I'm home

I’M HOME

I’m home from my vacation.

Oh, I needed that break.

I (almost) completely unplugged.

I did very little social media or email or texting.

I still used my electronics, of course.

I read three ebooks and listened to two audiobooks.

I visited family and friends and spent time in my hometown at the beach.

Then we road-tripped back from California through Arizona, Utah, Colorado, New Mexico and finally home to Texas.

More stories about the trip will follow.

Right now, I need to go wash all of the bug death off of my car.

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Categories
family humor storytelling

A Dangerous Game of Jenga

A dangerous game of Jenga

A DANGEROUS GAME OF JENGA

Am I the only one who cleans the house before I go on a trip?

My kids think I’m nuts.

But I know that I will be tired and most likely cranky when I come home.

I will want clean bathrooms and clean sheets.

And food stocked up so I won’t have to rush off to the grocery store.

I warned the Grown Sons that I expect the house to be clean when I get home.

Last time I went away they did a pretty good job.

Except for the dish drainer.

They had washed their dishes, but they didn’t put anything away.

They were each terrified that they might accidentally put away their brother’s things.

God forbid.

It was a dangerous game of Jenga that they were playing.

One more spoon might have resulted in disaster.

I got home just in the nick of time.

I may insist on some Facetime calls with the dish drainer while I’m gone.

Just to be on the safe side.

Categories
family humor storytelling

Too Much Work

Too much work

TOO MUCH WORK

Vacation preparations are underway.

The Grown Sons will be house sitting.

I have given instructions on the sprinklers, trash day, and bringing in the mail.

They are outraged.

This is too much to ask.

Considering that they work.

Who has time for all of this?

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

And laughed some more.

And continued preparing food to leave in the freezer for them to eat in my absence.

Too much work indeed.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Roundabouts

Roundabouts

I hate roundabouts.

I especially hate two-lane roundabouts.

They’re the stuff that nightmares are made of.

The cars inside the circle have the right of way.

The cars entering the circle have to yield.

Everyone knows this except the guy in the enormous work truck in the left lane next to me.

He got tired of waiting, so he simply blustered into the circle.

The cars inside had to screech to a halt.

The second enormous work truck behind the first one stupidly followed his colleague.

The work trucks blocked the view, so the cars behind couldn’t see what was happening.

Everyone honked and yelled.

If the left lane is moving, why is the right lane standing still?

Well, because I don’t want to die, that’s why.

Someone is going to plow into somebody else, and I don’t want to be in the middle of it.

Eventually, the traffic jam eased.

The drivers that got cut off cursed and flipped off the offenders.

I survived another roundabout.

Yay.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

The Grunion Run

The Grunion Run

THE GRUNION RUN

I told some of my Texas friends about the grunion run.

They burst out laughing.

They thought it was a joke.

Like a snipe hunt.

I assured them it was real.

I Googled it, and I showed them pictures and schedules.

They still think it’s a joke.

Whatever.

It’s a Ventura thing.

When ya know, ya know.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Dueling Banjoes

Dueling Banjoes

DUELING BANJOES

I went to a gathering at a home way out in the country.

It took me forever to get there.

Google maps kept taking me from one pitted dirt road to another pitted dirt road.

Each one was narrower and more overgrown than the next.

I was a little nervous.

Finally, I found the house.

It was a lovely, bucolic, relaxing country venue.

It was worth the drive.

Until it was time to go home.

The drive back was freaking scary in the dark.

Especially because I was alone.

I swear I could hear Dueling Banjoes in the air.

However, I did make it home in one piece.

Perhaps I might have over-reacted just a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy, little bit.

Categories
dog lifestyle storytelling

National Dog Day

National Dog Day

NATIONAL DOG DAY

It’s National Dog Day.

I miss my Wrigley.

I miss her at the crack of dawn.

She always did a happy dance at breakfast time.

I miss her reigning on her throne.

It was a corner of the couch.

From that vantage point she could watch the front door.

For intruders.

And she could also watch the kitchen.

For crumbs.

She could rule over her queendom without having to actually make any effort.

It was an impressive act of laziness.

Every time anyone walked by her sofa, she expected a cuddle.

She always got it.

The standards have been set.

When I am an old lady, I want to reign just like Wrigley.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Hatch Chiles

Hatch chiles

I bought a big bag of Hatch chiles.

I chopped one chile up and sauteed it with some onions to eat in a chicken dish.

It was quite tasty, but I couldn’t figure out what the all the fuss is about Hatch chiles.

Until I roasted the rest of them.

Roasting, apparently, stimulates their inner Satan.

I discovered a tiny cut on one hand that I didn’t even know was there.

Violent cursing may or may not have ensued.

I made a big batch of salsa with the roasted chiles.

It is very tasty, but quite hot.

I’m going to have to make some chilaquiles.

Everyone knows that chilaquiles with green sauce is the BEST.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Being Hot Never Hurts

Being hot never hurts

BEING HOT NEVER HURTS

Whoo – it is hot out!

Well, it’s August, it’s to be expected.

It’s hot, it’s humid, its stifling, it’s awful.

But it’s OK.

I just try to keep Debbie Harry’s profound words of wisdom in mind.

“Being hot never hurts.”

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Corn. Seriously?

Corn. Seriously?

CORN. SERIOUSLY?

I saw one of those word search puzzles.

It said that the first word I read was my heart’s desire.

I saw “corn.”

Well that’s a huge disappointment.

Fortune or True Love might have been more inspiring.

On the other hand, I do like corn.

Corn on the cob, corn bread, corn chowder, corn pudding, corn tortillas.

It’s all good.

And it’s certainly an achievable goal.

So yeah, I guess now I’ve got corn to look forward to.