Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

Yay, Purple

Yay purple

YAY, PURPLE

When I left California, I really hated to leave my Jacaranda tree behind.

So I have planted some Vitex trees outside my back door here in Texas.

They’re not Jacaranda.

But they’re purple.

And they’re pretty.

And they’re blooming.

Yay, purple!

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

Just Get Rid of the Rats

Just get rid of the rats.

JUST GET RID OF THE RATS

Every day this week, rain has been predicted.

Every day this week, the weather has remained dry.

Today I finally decided to water my vegetable garden.

It can’t wait for the rain.

It was when I approached the gate to access the hose that I saw it.

I stopped dead in my tracks.

I was horrified.

Rat poop!

On the fence!

Rats have touched the very fence that I have to touch to access the hose!

Ewww.

The Husband, however, was kind of happy.

Over the years, he has devised a fool-proof method for dealing with rats.

Bob is very proud of his disgusting achievement.

Whatever.

Just get rid of the rats.

Ewww.

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

The End Piece of Bread

The end piece of bread

The Grown Son couldn’t remember the word for the end piece of bread.

He called it the stump.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

And then I decided that “stump” is so much more descriptive than “heel.”

I have now renamed the end piece of bread.

I will notify Webster’s dictionary.

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

How to Mow The Lawn

How to mow the lawn

In the interest of not being pathetic and dependent, I asked Bob to show me how to mow the lawn.

Last week he showed me, and this week I did it myself.

I know that my rows were not up to the razor-straight standards that he demands.

Some of the rows were downright wobbly.

All I could think of was that scene in True Detective where Woody Harrelson gets up in Matthew McConaughey’s face and snarls at him threateningly, “You don’t mow another man’s lawn.”

I’m a little concerned.

If I’m lucky, Bob will say, “Nice job,” with false sincerity.

And then he’ll never let me near the lawn mower again because he can’t trust me to do it right.

I can only hope

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

Fresh Marinara Sauce

Fresh marinara sauce

FRESH MARINARA SAUCE

During the quarantine, I have been making fresh marinara sauce.

Now I can never go back to the purchased stuff.

I can’t even go back to canned tomatoes.

It’s gotta be fresh.

I’m ruined.

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

Stupid Ant

Stupid ant

STUPID ANT

I got bit again.

This time it was not a murder hornet.

I know because I saw it.

It was an ant.

I don’t know if it was a fire ant.

It wasn’t red.

But it was huge.

And it was squished by the time I got done with it.

It bit me right under the flip-flop strap.

And now I’ve got a painful welt and I can’t wear flip-flops.

A tragedy!

Until I found a different pair of flip-flops in my closet with a different strap angle.

Whew!

I can still wear flip-flops.

Stupid ant.

Categories
lifestyle reading writing

It Could Be a Very Interesting Concept

It could be a very interesting concept

IT COULD BE A VERY INTERESTING CONCEPT

I’ve been binge-reading Baldacci thrillers.

I’ve been binge-watching True Detective on HBO.

I can’t help but notice the similarities between Rustin Cohle and Amos Decker.

They both suffered devastating losses.

They both suffered brain injuries.

They both are insufferably self absorbed.

And they are both trying to do the best they can with the rotten hand they’ve been dealt.

Now I want to see a crossover where Cohle and Decker work a case together.

Marty Hart and Melvin Mars would have to show up too, to keep them from killing each other.

It could be a very interesting concept.

Categories
humor lifestyle teaching

Chicken and Candy For Dinner

Chicken and candy for dinner

CHICKEN AND CANDY FOR DINNER

My beginning English student told me that he had eaten chicken and candy for dinner.

I hesitated a moment before I clarified that.

Who am I to judge?

Maybe he DID eat chicken and candy for dinner.

It sounds like great comfort food.

A few shots of whiskey would make an excellent dessert pairing.

I was very disappointed to find out, on questioning him, that he had actually eaten chicken and vegetables for dinner.

I am now rethinking my own dinner plans for tonight.

Categories
humor lifestyle quarantine

Karen

Karen

KAREN

I told the Grown Son that I don’t like his use of the term “Karen.”

It’s insulting.

Our next-door neighbor is Karen.

And she’s lovely.

The Grown Son confirmed that next-door Karen is not a Karen.

And neither am I.

He assured me, however, that I am still annoying, even if I’m not a Karen.

By the time he got through his long-winded, backhanded compliment, I had stopped listening.

I had also stopped caring.

Does that make me a Karen?

Whatever.

Categories
humor quarantine speaking

At a Recent Toastmasters Meeting

At a recent Toastmasters meeting

AT A RECENT TOASTMASTERS MEETING

At a recent Toastmasters meeting, an interesting discussion broke out about a certain location.

I had never heard of the place.

But apparently everyone else had.

The conversation turned in a hilarious but slightly inappropriate direction.

Well, I couldn’t just let that pass me by.

I had to Google it.

And, oh my, it certainly is inappropriate.

But in an entirely different way than the conversation would have led me to believe.

Some of our Toastmasters members have some explaining to do!