Categories
family humor storytelling

It Was a Mystery

It was a mystery

IT WAS A MYSTERY

It was a mystery.

At 6:00 am, there was an enormous mess of a white powdery dust all over the kitchen floor.

It started in the pantry and trailed across the kitchen.

The trash cans were covered it in.

The laundry room had also been nailed.

It’s where we keep the cleaning supplies, and the broom and dustpan were covered in it too.

My first thought was drugs.

Yeah, I like to watch crime shows.

My head said flour.

But my heart was hoping that Lennie Briscoe would come knocking on my door.

I had two suspects.

The first Grown Son is a slob and would never clean up his own mess.

Since an attempt was made to sweep, he was eliminated as a suspect.

The second Grown Son occasionally makes a slight effort to clean up.

He got the blame.

But he vehemently denied it.

The first Grown Son was confronted.

He burst out laughing and confessed that he had knocked over the flour during a midnight snack.

I informed him that flour can’t be cleaned with a broom.

It just flies around and makes an even bigger mess.

This situation calls for the shop vac.

We’ve got our own Breaking Bad crime drama right here at home.

Or maybe not.

Categories
family humor storytelling

I Love Them More Than Cookies

I love them more than cookies

I LOVE THEM MORE THAN COOKIES

I made some cookies with Easter M&Ms.

It’s a tradition.

However, both Grown Sons are T1 diabetic.

We don’t need that much temptation.

I packed up half of the cookies into the freezer.

The Grown Sons were not amused.

They thought it was a practical joke.

It’s no joke.

I swear.

I love them more than cookies.

Which is saying a lot.

Because I really do love cookies.

Categories
family lifestyle storytelling

What a Storm We Had Last Night!

What a storm we had last night!

What a storm we had last night!

We had three inches of rain and hail the size of baseballs.

The roof is trashed.

The cars are trashed.

This morning the neighborhood was flooded with roofers and body shops.

The guy who is doing our roof didn’t climb up to do his inspection.

He used a drone which sent pictures down to his tablet.

I never knew that property damage could be so much fun!

The contractors put yard signs in front of the houses they are working for.

It’s not only for advertising, it’s also to ward off the door-to-door guys.

Apparently some of the door-to-door guys can’t read.

They’re ringing the doorbell anyway.

The doorbell guys are by far the most annoying aspect of this storm.

Categories
family humor storytelling

Happy Birthday To You

Happy birthday to you

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEYTON MANNING

Happy birthday, Peyton Manning.

We started the celebration early in the morning with Belgian waffles and bananas foster.

The party continued into the dinner hour.

With spaghetti and meatballs.

Everything was fresh and homemade.

Of course, there was a birthday cake for dessert.

Peyton never showed up.

That was kind of rude.

But luckily it was Bob’s birthday too.

The celebration didn’t go to waste.

We watched our favorite clip of Manning on SNL.

And spent the rest of the day quoting things like, “Loser,” and “You suck,” and “It’s not that f**king hard.”

The skit ended with “Spend time with your kids, so Peyton Manning doesn’t.”

Maybe next year, Peyton, maybe next year.

Categories
family humor storytelling

They Have Been Warned

They have been warned

THEY HAVE BEEN WARNED

My back is feeling much, much better.

I am no longer hobbling.

But I am very, very stiff.

The Grown Sons have been taking full advantage of the situation.

They have been placing garbage in the hood of my sweatshirt.

I can’t twist around to get it out.

They think they’re hilarious.

Whatever.

I’m tired.

I’ve lost the will to care.

If it’s just paper, I can live with it.

However, if I discover that they’ve put anything gloppy back there, like a yogurt lid or a banana peel, they will be eligible for the death penalty.

They have been warned.

Categories
family humor storytelling

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy Birthday, Mom

Happy birthday, Mom.

She’s been gone for many years now.

I make a chicken tetrazzini dinner every year to celebrate her birthday.

Part of the tradition involves the Grown Sons complaining bitterly about the mushrooms.

This year, emboldened by his pending move to his own apartment, one Grown Son rudely declared, “Those mushrooms smell like the dog’s a$$hole.”

This led to an animated discussion about how in the world he came to know that particular bit of information.

Grandma would have thoroughly enjoyed this conversation.

In no particular order of preference, Mom loved:

  1. Her grandkids
  2. Sauteed mushrooms
  3. A well-placed insult

If anyone ever wonders what it’s like to be a boymom, it can be summed up as a lively discussion about the dog’s a$$hole while lovingly preparing Grandma’s birthday dinner.

Happy birthday, Mom, I miss you every day.

Categories
family humor storytelling

I Pulled a Muscle in my Back

I pulled a muscle

I PULLED A MUSCLE

I pulled a muscle in my back.

I’m in agony.

I can’t stand up straight.

I’m hobbling around the house, barely able to function.

The guys have been kind.

They have been helpful.

They have also been mocking me ruthlessly.

They, too, are hobbling around the house, just like me.

My loving family has also added sound effects to their hobbling.

Apparently sound effects are extra-special funny.

I fear for the day when I really am old and infirm.

Bob assured me that since he is older than me, he will certainly be stricken first.

I’ll remember that.

Sound effects will definitely play a part in his crippling old age.

Categories
family humor storytelling

It Used To Be Our Guilty Pleasure

It used to be our guilty pleasure

It used to be our guilty pleasure.

The Grown Sons and I used to love those soft, frosted sugar cookies from the grocery store.

I haven’t bought them in years, though.

Because diabetes.

Today I found some in a snack pack of two cookies.

A two-pack!!

Of course I bought it.

I was thrilled.

When I excitedly showed the boys my glorious two-cookie purchase, I was met with stark indifference.

“Whatever,” they grunted and shrugged.

I guess I will be indulging in our guilty pleasure all by myself.

Whatever, indeed.

Categories
family humor storytelling

That’s Bad News For Me

That's bad news for me

THAT’S BAD NEWS FOR ME

I read an article that said that tall women tend to have a longer life span.

Seriously?

That’s bad news for me.

In my mind I can hear the Grown Sons scoffing.

It sucks to be you,” is what they might say.

Or, “That sounds like a you problem, not a me problem.”

Now I’m mad.

Their imaginary disrespect is insulting.

That’s it – I’m leaving everything I have to the dog.

And that may happen very soon, according to the article that I read.

Categories
family humor storytelling

Random Acts of Mild Aggravation

Random Acts of Mild Aggravation

RANDOM ACTS OF MILD AGGRAVATION

The Grown Son was insulted that I criticized the housekeeping standards of his truck.

He began a revenge campaign of Random Acts of Mild Aggravation.

He moved the cereal to a different pantry shelf.

He left several cabinet doors open.

He fiddled with the knobs on the dryer.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

In college, we did the exact same thing to one of our roommates.

We didn’t take anything, and we didn’t break anything.

We simply “adjusted” everything in her room.

She wasn’t amused.

In fact, she was quite angry.

That roommate will be pleased to know that Karma has finally caught up with me.

She won’t be so pleased to know that I still think it’s funny.