Categories
family humor storytelling

A Scathing Insult

A scathing insult

A SCATHING INSULT

The Grown Son has been on a roll.

An obnoxious, foul-tempered, door-slamming roll.

I finally had enough.

“Don’t be such a little d**k,” I snarled.

He was shocked.

I don’t know what insulted him more.

The “little,” or the “d**k,” or the fact that these particular words came from his mother.

He reigned it in.

But he was still mad.

For several days.

This morning, however, he took the garbage out without being asked, and he graced me with a smile.

This just goes to show that sometimes nothing is quite as effective as a scathing insult.

Categories
dog family storytelling

National Best Friends Day

National Best Friends Day

Today is National Best Friends Day.

That means it’s a day to celebrate Wrigley.

Wrigley is the Best Friend Ever.

I know I’ve said that about every dog I’ve ever had, but this time it’s true.

Wrigley doesn’t bark, she doesn’t chew, and she doesn’t dig.

And she doesn’t shed.

She does snuggle, and she’s very, very, very cute and sweet.

She’s also very chill.

She loves a walk, but if you don’t have time, she’s just as happy to take a nap.

The downside is that she’s not a very good watchdog.

“Take whatever you want but please be quiet because I’m trying to sleep,” is what I imagine she would say to any bad guys.

It’s a good thing we’ve never had to test that out.

Happy National Best Friends Day Wrigley!

Categories
family humor storytelling

Your Camera Sucks

Your camera sucks

YOUR CAMERA SUCKS

I bought a green screen that attaches to the back of the chair.

I had nothing but problems.

I watched some YouTube videos and fixed most of the issues.

But I couldn’t get my camera settings adjusted properly.

I called the Grown Son in for assistance.

He was very helpful.

Not.

“Your camera sucks,” was his assessment.

Is there a YouTube video for that?

Categories
family humor storytelling

Maybe Next Time, Kid

Maybe next time, Kid

MAYBE NEXT TIME, KID

The Grown Son had a weird lesion on the back of his head.

I sent him to the dermatologist.

The doctor shaved a patch of his head to treat the area.

The Grown Son didn’t like the weird shaved bit so he give himself a buzz cut to even it out.

That’s when we discovered that the procedure had left a discolored spot on the back of his head.

It doesn’t hurt, and it’s getting better, so it’s all good.

It reminded me of the old Massive Headwound Harry skit on SNL.

The boys had never heard of it, so we had to watch it on YouTube.

The Grown Son was a little disappointed that his head wound isn’t nearly as impressive as Harry’s.

Maybe next time Kid, maybe next time.

Categories
family lifestyle storytelling

Happy Mother’s Day

Happy Mother's Day

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY

It’s Mother’s Day.

I miss my mom.

I miss the smell of her perfume (Bluegrass by Elizabeth Arden).

I miss her books.

She always had piles and piles of books, and I loved to rummage through them to find a new treasure.

I never left her house without an armful of new reads.

Now I have my own piles and piles of books.

But they’re mine, so I already know what’s there.

There’s no rummaging going on anymore.

She was always an early riser, and I miss waking up to the sound of her clattering around the kitchen.

It was so comforting to get out of bed to find the day already prepared.

Now I’m the first one up.

And I’m the one who has to do the preparing.

Back in the day, on Mother’s Day, we would make a nice brunch.

We would sit in the windows of our Bosch-like house, drinking coffee, reading, and watching the day and the sailboats go by.

Happy Mother’s Day, Mom!

Categories
family humor storytelling

I Saw It Online, It Must Be True

I saw it online, it must be true

I SAW IT ONLINE, IT MUST BE TRUE

I read that younger siblings cause older siblings to have high blood pressure.

Seriously?

I saw it on line.

It must be true.

All right already.

Sheesh.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you think I caused your high blood pressure.

There.

Are you happy now?

Categories
family humor storytelling

It Was a Mystery

It was a mystery

IT WAS A MYSTERY

It was a mystery.

At 6:00 am, there was an enormous mess of a white powdery dust all over the kitchen floor.

It started in the pantry and trailed across the kitchen.

The trash cans were covered it in.

The laundry room had also been nailed.

It’s where we keep the cleaning supplies, and the broom and dustpan were covered in it too.

My first thought was drugs.

Yeah, I like to watch crime shows.

My head said flour.

But my heart was hoping that Lennie Briscoe would come knocking on my door.

I had two suspects.

The first Grown Son is a slob and would never clean up his own mess.

Since an attempt was made to sweep, he was eliminated as a suspect.

The second Grown Son occasionally makes a slight effort to clean up.

He got the blame.

But he vehemently denied it.

The first Grown Son was confronted.

He burst out laughing and confessed that he had knocked over the flour during a midnight snack.

I informed him that flour can’t be cleaned with a broom.

It just flies around and makes an even bigger mess.

This situation calls for the shop vac.

We’ve got our own Breaking Bad crime drama right here at home.

Or maybe not.

Categories
family humor storytelling

I Love Them More Than Cookies

I love them more than cookies

I LOVE THEM MORE THAN COOKIES

I made some cookies with Easter M&Ms.

It’s a tradition.

However, both Grown Sons are T1 diabetic.

We don’t need that much temptation.

I packed up half of the cookies into the freezer.

The Grown Sons were not amused.

They thought it was a practical joke.

It’s no joke.

I swear.

I love them more than cookies.

Which is saying a lot.

Because I really do love cookies.

Categories
family lifestyle storytelling

What a Storm We Had Last Night!

What a storm we had last night!

What a storm we had last night!

We had three inches of rain and hail the size of baseballs.

The roof is trashed.

The cars are trashed.

This morning the neighborhood was flooded with roofers and body shops.

The guy who is doing our roof didn’t climb up to do his inspection.

He used a drone which sent pictures down to his tablet.

I never knew that property damage could be so much fun!

The contractors put yard signs in front of the houses they are working for.

It’s not only for advertising, it’s also to ward off the door-to-door guys.

Apparently some of the door-to-door guys can’t read.

They’re ringing the doorbell anyway.

The doorbell guys are by far the most annoying aspect of this storm.

Categories
family humor storytelling

Happy Birthday To You

Happy birthday to you

HAPPY BIRTHDAY PEYTON MANNING

Happy birthday, Peyton Manning.

We started the celebration early in the morning with Belgian waffles and bananas foster.

The party continued into the dinner hour.

With spaghetti and meatballs.

Everything was fresh and homemade.

Of course, there was a birthday cake for dessert.

Peyton never showed up.

That was kind of rude.

But luckily it was Bob’s birthday too.

The celebration didn’t go to waste.

We watched our favorite clip of Manning on SNL.

And spent the rest of the day quoting things like, “Loser,” and “You suck,” and “It’s not that f**king hard.”

The skit ended with “Spend time with your kids, so Peyton Manning doesn’t.”

Maybe next year, Peyton, maybe next year.