Mostly True Memoirs

My Revenge Game

Bob had to get up very, very, very early this morning.

His alarm woke me up.

Fair enough.

I went back to sleep.

However, he left his phone on the nightstand.

In snooze mode.

Nine minutes later, when I barreled furiously into the kitchen,

he said cheerily, “what are YOU doing up so early?”

I don’t usually curse.

I made an exception this morning.

However, something went wrong in the execution.

Bob just laughed.

Lacking a Plan B at last-night-o’clock in the morning,

I murderously stared him down,

and methodically turned on every light in the house.

Just to annoy him.

Again, he laughed.

He turned off all of the lights and apologized for the snooze thing.

I’m going to have to work on my revenge game.

I’m getting weak.

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Mostly True Memoirs

A Big Texas Fly

They grow ‘em big here in Texas.

I recently cornered an enormous fly in the bathroom.

I shut the all doors and started swatting at it with a towel.

I knew I couldn’t actually hit it – it was way too fast for me.

My intention was to keep it flying frantically around the room.

I planned to kill it with exhaustion.

It was so big that it made a distinct “thunk” noise every time it hit a wall.

Which was often.

I kept thinking, “Well that’s gotta hurt…”

But the fly just kept on flying, oblivious to any traumatic brain injury.

This bug had a very strong will to live.

Its will to live was stronger than my will to kill it.

I got bored.

I quit.

Fly 1, Human 0.

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Mostly True Memoirs

Liar

I was speaking with a friend the other day.

He told me that he had been to the County Fair.

He had eaten an objectionable type of drumstick.

And some corn dipped in an equally horrifying type of butter.

I didn’t believe a word he said.

This guy is known to be a teller of tall tales.

I’m 99% certain it was all lies.

But what if it was the truth?

Do they really sell these disturbing kinds of foods?

It’s the fair, after all, and anything is possible.

I guess I’ll have to take myself to the Texas State Fair when it opens.

I’ll have to see for myself what kind of horrifying offerings are on the Fair Food Circuit.

And then I will say to my friend, a la Will Ferrell,

“Your name is Liar…”

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Mostly True Memoirs

A Visit to the Museum

I played tourist the other day.

I took myself downtown to the art museum.

There is a Monet exhibit that I wanted to see.

Bob refused to come with me.

Apparently I have tried his last nerve.

He’s done being dragged to cultural events.

Big sigh…

I pointed out that if I was his date rather than his wife,

he would eagerly accompany me to the museum.

He laughed and laughed and laughed.

This, I informed him, is why boyfriends are better than husbands.

It is also why sisters are better than husbands.

However, I don’t have any sisters nearby.

I took myself to the museum alone.

And I had a surprisingly wonderful time.

No one bugged me.

No one urged me to hurry up.

No one complained that they were hungry.

I could take as long as I wanted.

But don’t tell Bob that I enjoyed myself.

He feels kind of bad that he ditched me.

I’m gonna milk it.

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Mostly True Memoirs

Kudos

I just finished a huge script reading project.

They wrote me a VERY nice review.

“You were always substantive in your analyses and offered constructive criticisms.”

“You were as good when you were offering praise as you were when you were panning a script, which is a surprisingly rare ability.”

“Your work unquestionably places you among the best readers we’ve had the pleasure and good fortune of working with.”

Thank you Mr. Production Company Guy.

I appreciate the kudos.

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