Categories
storytelling work

My Wheeled Office Chair

My wheeled office chair

MY WHEELED OFFICE CHAIR

My home office has a polished concrete floor.

I like to zoom around the room on my wheeled office chair.

Yeah, I know, I’m easily entertained.

The other day, I heard a metallic clinking sound.

I looked around to see what fell.

I saw nothing, and I was busy, so I forgot about it.

Last night, when I launched myself across the room, disaster struck.

Apparently the clinking sound I heard was hardware falling off of the underside of the seat.

Mid zoom, the chair disintegrated, and I careened to the floor in a pile of rubble.

I now have a golf-ball sized welt on my keester with a blossoming purple and green bruise.

And the chair is DOA.

Will I continue to zoom in my new chair?

Of course.

I won’t give up on that kind of entertainment.

However, I will now periodically tighten all the screws.

One pain in the a** is more than enough.

Categories
memoir storytelling work

They Can’t Block Me

they can't block me

THEY CAN’T BLOCK ME

I was in a Zoom meeting.

One man mentioned that he had seen the Blue Man Group.

I burst out laughing.

I thought about the Blue Man Group story line on Arrested Development.

“I’m afraid I just blue myself,” never stops being funny.

No one in this group had seen Arrested Development.

They did not understand the reference.

What a crushing disappointment.

These folks could all use the Method One acting clinic.

I will spend the rest of the day quoting Tobias Funke lines to my family.

They can’t block me.

Can they?

Categories
memoir storytelling work

I’m Hangry for That Book

I'm hangry for that book

I’M HANGRY FOR THAT BOOK

I love David Baldacci.

I heard his lecture series on Masterclass.

He gave a fabulous presentation.

I picked up the first Atlee Pine book, Long Road to Mercy.

It was so engaging that I read it in one sitting.

I picked up the second Atlee Pine book, A Minute to Midnight.

It was so engaging that I read it in one sitting.

And now, to my overwhelming disappointment, I find out that the third book won’t be published until November.

November!

What am I supposed to do for two months?

Wait?

That’s just crazy talk.

I need to know what happens.

I’m hangry, but not for food.

I’m hangry for that book.

Categories
memoir storytelling work

Today is National Ampersand Day

National Ampersand Day

TODAY IS NATIONAL AMPERSAND DAY

Today is National Ampersand Day.

Seriously?

The ampersand has a holiday?

Why would anyone want to celebrate this symbol?

It’s only used in writing.

No one ever says the word, “ampersand.”

It’s only supposed to be written in very specific circumstances.

How in the world do you celebrate?

Tacos?

Beer?

Tacos & beer?

It’s not grammatically correct to use the ampersand in this context…

But since it’s tacos & beer, who’s going to complain?

Categories
storytelling work

An Impromptu Pronunciation Lesson

an impromptu pronunciation lesson

AN IMPROMPTU PRONUNCIATION LESSON

My new ESL student introduced himself.

He is a cardiac surgeon.

In his free time he really likes cocaine.

What?

Excuse me?

Seriously?

After some discussion, I realized that what he actually meant was that he really likes cooking.

We had an impromptu pronunciation lesson.

His professional integrity remains intact.

Whew!

Categories
storytelling work

National Book Lover’s Day

National Book Lover's Day

NATIONAL BOOK LOVER’S DAY

Today is National Book Lover’s Day.

My favorite book ever is John Steinbeck’s East of Eden.

It is a beautiful retelling of the story of Cain and Abel.

It’s the story of fathers and sons.

It’s the story of sin and redemption.

It’s the story of love and rage and free will.

I have my grandfather’s copy.

It’s dog eared and coffee stained.

And I love it because they are his dog ears and his coffee stains.

I never met my grandfather, but we read this book together.

“His whispered word seemed to hang in the air: ‘timshel.’

And he slept.”

Categories
storytelling work

What Do You Say When You Agree?

what do you say when you agree

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU AGREE?

The interpreters in my ESL classes are often useless.

Sometimes they are downright awful.

Today’s lesson was about expressions indicating agreement.

Of course, absolutely, that’s right, no kidding, certainly.

“What do you say when you agree?” is what I asked.

“What do you say when you are gay?” is what

the interpreter wrote in the chat box.

Oh.

Goodness.

That is not what I said.

That is not the correct interpretation.

That is certainly not the topic of the day.

Proofread before you post, interpreters.

Please proofread.

Categories
storytelling work

A Loud Smile

A loud smile

A LOUD SMILE

My English student defined the word “laugh” as “a loud smile.”

Yeah.

That works

Categories
storytelling work

It Could Be a Very Interesting Concept

It could be a very interesting concept

IT COULD BE A VERY INTERESTING CONCEPT

I’ve been binge-reading Baldacci thrillers.

I’ve been binge-watching True Detective on HBO.

I can’t help but notice the similarities between Rustin Cohle and Amos Decker.

They both suffered devastating losses.

They both suffered brain injuries.

They both are insufferably self absorbed.

And they are both trying to do the best they can with the rotten hand they’ve been dealt.

Now I want to see a crossover where Cohle and Decker work a case together.

Marty Hart and Melvin Mars would have to show up too, to keep them from killing each other.

It could be a very interesting concept.

Categories
storytelling work

Chicken and Candy For Dinner

Chicken and candy

CHICKEN AND CANDY FOR DINNER

My beginning English student told me that he had eaten chicken and candy for dinner.

I hesitated a moment before I clarified that.

Who am I to judge?

Maybe he DID eat chicken and candy for dinner.

It sounds like great comfort food.

A few shots of whiskey would make an excellent dessert pairing.

I was very disappointed to find out, on questioning him, that he had actually eaten chicken and vegetables for dinner.

I am now rethinking my own dinner plans for tonight.