humor lifestyle

Don’t Tell Bob

Don't tell Bob


I’m so nice.

Let me tell you all about it.

Bob mowed the lawn for the first time this spring.

The first mow is a huge job because the grass is so thick.

He sunk down into the couch in exhaustion, and then he said,

“Oh I forgot, it’s trash night.”

Because I’m so nice, I said, “Don’t get up, I’ll do it.” 

And then I instantly regretted my offer.

Because it was already dark.

There might be spiders.

Or a possum.

Or maybe even a cow.

Bob rolled his eyes and said, “Never mind, I’ll do it.”

But I insisted.

I am not a coward.

Well, I am, but still…

I braved the dark suburban wilds to haul the cans to the curb.

Bob told me not to worry.

I am small.

If anything should happen, he could easily fit me into one of the trash bins.

I was not reassured.

Not one bit.

The entire trash-can-hauling-in-the-dark incident turned out to be completely uneventful.

But don’t tell Bob.

He might expect me to do it again.

humor lifestyle

I Intended To Slack Today

I intended to slack today

I intended to slack today.

I wanted to spend the day in my pajamas, drinking coffee and reading a book.

Instead, I found myself mopping the floors.

I’m kind of disappointed in myself.

But don’t judge me.

I had a good reason.

No one was home.

It’s rare that no one is home.

And it’s the perfect time to clean the floors.

When they are all home, someone always walks across the wet floor and ruins it.

I’ll say, “Stay out of there for a few minutes, the floor is wet.”

And they’ll walk across the floor anyway.

They’ll say things like,

“I didn’t hear you.”


“I heard you, but I thought you were talking to HIM, not me.”


“Don’t worry, I was careful, I didn’t slip and fall.”

Well, I intended to slack.

I failed.

But I’ve got clean floors, so there’s that.

I’ll slack another time.