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Lifestyle

Watch Out World, I’ve Got A Mom Card Now!

Mostly True Memoirs

Watch out world - I've got a Mom Card now!

I’ve Got A Mom Card!

I was doing 40 in a 30 zone.

It was a two-lane country road.

With no traffic at all.

The only reason I was going as slow as that was because up ahead is a big construction project.

The road is wrecked with potholes and gravel and debris.

A car came up from behind and rage-passed me, going 60 in the 30 zone.

I was mad.

I hope he hits a pothole.

Hard.

While I was fuming and wishing ill will upon my fellow commuter, I saw flashing lights in the mirror.

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?

I got pulled over for speeding.

For doing 40 in a 30.

Where was this cop just one minute ago?

It’s that other guy who deserves a speeding ticket, not me.

Thankfully, the cop was a very kind and polite young man.

He just gave me a warning.

No ticket.

Whew!

In my youth, I used to cry my way out of tickets.

It worked like a charm.

The tides have turned.

Now I can play the Mom Card.

I feel so empowered.

Watch out, world!

I’m gonna start Momming like I’ve never Mommed before.

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Lifestyle

I Have No Regrets – It Was The Best Decision Ever

Mostly True Memoirs

I have no regrets

I Have No Regrets

It was one of those days.

After one of those weeks.

After a very, very, very trying month.

So I had pie and wine for dinner last night.

I have no regrets.

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Lifestyle

Shocked, I Now Have To Consider WWED

Mostly True Memoirs

Shocked at the price of eggs

What Would Elaine Do?

Shocked, a woman at the grocery store gasped at the price of eggs.

Seriously?

Has she been living under a rock?

The rest of us have been shocked for months.

Eggs used to be a cheap go-to meal.

These days, however, the cost of a carton is outrageous.

I’ve taken to channeling my inner Seinfeld when I’m cooking.

“Is this eggworthy?” I often ask myself, wondering WWED.

What Would Elaine Do?

I’ll have to rewatch that episode and consult her checklist.

Those eggs are going to have to convince me they’re eggworthy.

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Work

The Grammar Police is Watching!

Mostly True Memoirs

The Grammar Police Is Watching!

The Grammar Police is Watching!

I hate the grammar police.

I know, I’m an editor.

I’m supposed to correct grammar.

But I don’t.

Unless I’m working.

Correcting other people is obnoxious.

Especially on social media because it’s so easy to make a typo.

I do it myself often enough.

I try to be very forgiving.

But sometimes

I saw a St. Patrick’s Day post from a public service agency.

It urged the public to “Drink Responsively.”

Aaarrrghhh!

That post caused me physical pain.

Responsive drinking is just another name for peer pressure.

It means the exact opposite of what they were trying to say.

Responsibly is the right word.

Drink Responsibly is what that post should have said.

OK, I got that out of my system.

I need a green St. Patrick’s Day beer.

I’ll drink it responsibly.

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Family

An Oldie But Goodie

Mostly True Memoirs

An Oldie but Goodie

Today is a good day to revisit this particular story.

An oldie but goodie. I’m busy taking a class, and I haven’t had time to write new posts. Today is a good day to revisit this particular story.

An Oldie But Goodie

This morning I came downstairs to discover that Bob had made coffee with a paper towel as a filter.

Apparently, we are out of coffee filters.

How can that be?

I just bought a package of filters.

I suspect that they disappeared into some sort of motorcycle repair project.

That’s where all our missing household supplies end up.

I wondered if the coffee might be poisoned by the toxic, non-food-grade paper towel.

Whatever.

I drank it anyway.

Beware the Ides of March.

If it’s not a stabbing, it’s a poisoning.

Et tu, Bob?

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Family

It’s A Super Easy Solution For How To Pass The Buck!

Mostly True Memoirs

A super easy solution.

It’s a super easy solution! Just get your family to do your dirty work for you. All you have to do is scold them when they’re done.

I bought a roll of plastic wrap.

I hardly ever use it.

It’s a very wasteful product.

This one box should last me several years.

Unless I just chuck it now.

The package is wonky.

There were only a couple of boxes left in the store.

And they were all crushed.

I had no choice but to buy a bent box.

Every time I use it, the whole roll pops out and gets twisted.

I’m tempted to chuck the entire thing into the garbage.

But I can’t because that would be very wasteful.

I’m hoping that one of my guys will lose their temper and throw it out.

That would spare me the personal guilt of being wasteful.

It would also spare me the aggravation of the wonky plastic wrap box.

As an additional delightful bonus, I could scold them on the sins being wasteful.

Of course, I will wait until after trash day to deliver that sanctimonious reprimand.

Now we wait.

It’s a super easy solution!

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Family

Funny Parenting Stories

Mostly True Memoirs

Mostly True Memoirs

Funny parenting stories

Think You’ve Heard All of the Funny Parenting Stories?

Think you’ve heard all of the funny parenting stories?

Here’s one about lice.

Ick.

Someone was recently speaking about it, and it made me laugh.

One of my kids brought home lice once.

It was awful.

But I have boys, so it was pretty easy to get rid of it.

I shaved their heads.

My older boy has very dark hair, so even with a buzz cut he had a dark cap.

My little guy was blond back in the day.

He looked goofy with a shaved head, but he didn’t care.

I told him that he doesn’t need to discuss the lice with his kindergarten class.

It’s nothing to be ashamed of.

It’s just private.

He had to be inspected by the school nurse before he was allowed back in class.

Of course, that meant that we were late.

He made a Grand Entrance into his classroom and declared loudly, “I have lice!”

So much for discretion.

All the kids oohed and aahed.

By the end of the day, all the kids wanted to have lice.

They all wanted a buzz cut too.

Even the girls.

Yep, the kid was a trendsetter, even back in kindergarten.

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Lifestyle

Dueling Banjoes

Mostly True Memoirs

Dueling Banjoes

DUELING BANJOES

I went to a gathering at a home way out in the country.

It took me forever to get there.

Google maps kept taking me from one pitted dirt road to another pitted dirt road.

Each one was narrower and more overgrown than the next.

I was a little nervous.

Finally, I found the house.

It was a lovely, bucolic, relaxing country venue.

It was worth the drive.

Until it was time to go home.

The drive back was freaking scary in the dark.

Especially because I was alone.

I swear I could hear Dueling Banjoes in the air.

However, I did make it home in one piece.

Perhaps I might have over-reacted just a teeny, tiny, itsy-bitsy, little bit.

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Lifestyle

Hatch Chiles

Mostly True Memoirs

Hatch chiles

I bought a big bag of Hatch chiles.

I chopped one chile up and sauteed it with some onions to eat in a chicken dish.

It was quite tasty, but I couldn’t figure out what the all the fuss is about Hatch chiles.

Until I roasted the rest of them.

Roasting, apparently, stimulates their inner Satan.

I discovered a tiny cut on one hand that I didn’t even know was there.

Violent cursing may or may not have ensued.

I made a big batch of salsa with the roasted chiles.

It is very tasty, but quite hot.

I’m going to have to make some chilaquiles.

Everyone knows that chilaquiles with green sauce is the BEST.

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Lifestyle

Why Being Hot Never Hurts

Mostly True Memoirs

Why being hot never hurts

WHY BEING HOT NEVER HURTS

Whoo – it is hot out!

Well, it’s August, it’s to be expected.

It’s hot, it’s humid, its stifling, it’s awful.

But it’s OK.

I just try to keep Debbie Harry’s profound words of wisdom in mind.

“Being hot never hurts.”