Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Broken Glass

Broken glass

BROKEN GLASS

I’m the only one who drinks wine in my family.

I have a nice set of wine glasses that I use for company.

But for myself, I have a casual set that I got for my 26th birthday.

When we moved, I was down to three glasses.

Then I was down to two.

Now, one.

It was in the dish drainer.

And then it was on the floor in a zillion pieces.

When the last one breaks, it will symbolize the end of my youth.

I need to be careful with it.

Meanwhile, while I was unloading the dishwasher this morning, I knocked the sugar bowl off the counter.

Who knew that one small glass bowl could burst into so many glass shards?

I bet if I put them back together, I could get two or even three sugar bowls out of the debris.

What’s up with all this broken glass?

I never break stuff.

And now I’ve broken two things in one week.

Maybe I need to relax with a glass of wine.

Or maybe I need to stop relaxing with a glass of wine.

One of them is probably right.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Fight Club

Fight Club

FIGHT CLUB

We all know the first rule of Fight Club.

Which is really too bad.

We had a great time.

There might have been a cage match between Toenails and Bamm Bamm.

Or maybe not.

There was a rumor that there was some delicious food.

Whiskey shots may or may not have been flowing.

And definitely, maybe, probably not, or certainly there was some heckling.

There’s really no way to be sure.

If you missed it, you’ll never know.

Because of that first rule.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

I’ve Had A Rough Week

I've had a rough week

I’VE HAD A ROUGH WEEK

I’ve had a rough week.

It started with an aggravating three-hour phone call for Bob to confirm his flight. I don’t usually announce when he’s out of town, but both Grown Sons are home with me so it’s OK. Because of the extra-long phone call, we missed picking my car up from the shop where it was being serviced.

Without my car, I couldn’t drive Bob to the airport because no way am I driving his big-a$$ truck. The Grown Son made the airport run in the big-a$$ truck.

Meanwhile, a huge light fixture started to sag away from the ceiling. With Bob out of town, I had to call a handyman. Who couldn’t come until the next day. I was terrified all day that it was going to crash down and cause some very expensive damage.

While I was fretting about the impending light-fixture crash, the power went out. And stayed out. It was 101 degrees. And raining. It was a sauna outside. I envisioned a very hot and very slow crock-pot-like suffocation due to no air conditioning and no ceiling fans.

Thankfully, the power came back on within an hour. And the handyman showed up and fixed the light fixture before it fell. And the Grown Son drove me to pick up my car.

You would think that would be enough.

You’d think.

But then there were the maggots. Yes, maggots. I had thrown out a rotten orange. I was going to take the trash out as soon as the rain let up. But then I noticed the bugs. They were worm-like, but they crunched when I squished them. They were all over the garbage, and all over the kitchen floor. The heck with the rain, I took the trash out right away. And scrubbed every surface. And used bug spray. And threw away the rest of the oranges. Because eww.

Eww, eww, eww.

Now I have the heebie jeebies. I’m creeping out over those maggots.

I am officially begging for mercy.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

A Terrible, Sticky Mess

A terrible, sticky mess

A TERRIBLE, STICKY MESS

I made blackberry jam earlier this summer.

There are a zillion little plastic jars in the freezer.

They are getting in the way.

I need to put them all in a box to keep them organized.

I probably should have done that yesterday.

A jar of jam burst in the freezer.

It was blocking the door from shutting properly.

And it got squished.

Yeah, that was a terrible, sticky mess.

The freezer needed to be cleaned anyway.

And now the jam jars are secured in a box.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

It Was Totally Worth It

It was totally worth it

IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT

I’ve always been an early riser.

It usually serves me well.

I get a head start on my day.

I accomplish a lot before other people are even out of bed.

This weekend, however, it came back to bite me.

I was up very, very late, drinking yummy coconutty drinks with friends I hadn’t seen in a year and a half.

I was not at all pleased to be awake at 5:15 am, just a few hours later.

Have I learned anything from this episode?

Nope.

Not one thing.

I will happily indulge in another evening of yummy coconutty drinks.

It was totally worth it.

Categories
humor storytelling Toastmasters

Fabulously Mediocre

Fabulously mediocre

FABULOUSLY MEDIOCRE

Last night at a Toastmasters meeting, Patty humbly called herself fabulously mediocre.

The fact that she used such a marvelous turn of phrase proves that she is anything but mediocre.

I told her that I loved that description, and I may steal it.

Meanwhile, Joanna won an award, and I told her I would take a picture.

But when I checked my phone, there was no picture of Joanna.

How could that be?

I pointed.

I clicked.

What happened?

As Pam Beesly said in The Office, I may have overestimated my rectangle-pointing skills.

Joanna was kind and gracious and wouldn’t hear of any kind of apology.

Someone else had taken a picture, so she was covered.

I need a stunt double.

I need someone who can take care of all of that rectangle-pointing nonsense for me.

I guess this makes me a fabulously mediocre photographer.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

National What Day?

National what day?

NATIONAL WHAT DAY?

Yesterday was National Nude Day.

National what day?

I am eternally grateful that no one I knew celebrated that.

Or if they did, I was blessedly unaware.

Yesterday was also National Tape Measure Day.

Coincidence?

Perhaps.

Perhaps not.

To top it off, yesterday was also National Pandemonium Day.

Yeah, I can see how that would work.

Naked people running around with tape measures might cause a stir.

Now I know to skip July 14 next year.

Categories
dog humor storytelling

Wrigley Is My Muse

Wrigley is my muse

WRIGLEY IS MY MUSE

My dog hasn’t been eating.

I’ve been worried.

She is old, and not eating is a bad sign.

Last night I was cooking some chicken, and I gave her a bite.

She gobbled it down, so I gave her some more.

And some more.

She ate it all, and then she ate her bowl of kibble.

I think she’s playing me.

She’s faking that frail, old-lady act so I’ll prepare a fresh, home-cooked meal for her every day.

I guess I would do the same thing if I were in her place.

I’m impressed.

I’m taking notes so that I can follow her example in my own old age.

Wrigley is my muse.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

I Can Only Hope

I can only hope

I CAN ONLY HOPE

Today a younger woman asked, regarding The Flintstones, “Which was the boy, Pebbles or Bamm Bamm?”

Seriously?

I’m insulted that she asked.

I’m insulted that I knew the answer.

I’m insulted that she was raised so poorly.

Well, what goes around comes around.

One day someone will ask an equally troubling question about something obvious to her generation.

This moment will come back to bite her one day.

I can only hope.

Categories
dog humor storytelling

Her Hips are Wonky

Her hips are wonky

HER HIPS ARE WONKY

My Wrigley is getting old.

Her hips are wonky.

I bought a little doggy stepstool so she can continue to get up to her favorite sofa perch.

Meanwhile we have started her on some CBD supplements.

Wrigley does not like the stepstool at all.

With much newfound CBD-based bravado, she has been leaping over it.

Also, she has been listening to a lot of Sublime.

I guess the CBD supplements are working.