Categories
family humor storytelling

It Was a Mystery

It was a mystery

IT WAS A MYSTERY

It was a mystery.

At 6:00 am, there was an enormous mess of a white powdery dust all over the kitchen floor.

It started in the pantry and trailed across the kitchen.

The trash cans were covered it in.

The laundry room had also been nailed.

It’s where we keep the cleaning supplies, and the broom and dustpan were covered in it too.

My first thought was drugs.

Yeah, I like to watch crime shows.

My head said flour.

But my heart was hoping that Lennie Briscoe would come knocking on my door.

I had two suspects.

The first Grown Son is a slob and would never clean up his own mess.

Since an attempt was made to sweep, he was eliminated as a suspect.

The second Grown Son occasionally makes a slight effort to clean up.

He got the blame.

But he vehemently denied it.

The first Grown Son was confronted.

He burst out laughing and confessed that he had knocked over the flour during a midnight snack.

I informed him that flour can’t be cleaned with a broom.

It just flies around and makes an even bigger mess.

This situation calls for the shop vac.

We’ve got our own Breaking Bad crime drama right here at home.

Or maybe not.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

They Are In No Position To Judge

They are in no position to judge

THEY ARE IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE

The pregnant giraffe that I have been obsessed with since last fall still hasn’t given birth.

Apparently they misjudged her due date.

They misjudged it by a long shot.

I still follow her on YouTube every day.

The Grown Sons continue make fun of me.

They say they could just upload any old video of a giraffe birth.

“Seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all,” they say with callous, youthful indifference.

But I’ve grown attached to Johari.

I want to see HER baby, not any old YouTube clip.

Besides, the Grown Sons have been known to watch videos of other people playing video games.

They are in no position to judge.

Categories
storytelling

If I Never See Snow Again…

If I never see snow again...

IF I NEVER SEE SNOW AGAIN, IT WILL BE TOO SOON

That was the weirdest week of my life.

Now I know how the Donner Party felt.

If it had gone on any longer, I might have turned into Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

Honey, I’m hooome.”

At one point, three days in, with no power and no water and freaking frigid temperatures, the electricity finally came back on.

I was like a kid at Christmas!

I bustled about, tidying up, anticipating the house heating up.

I was especially waiting for the water heater.

Oh, how I wanted hot water.

And then….

And then the power went out again.

I could have wept for my lost shower opportunity.

I zipped my parka back up and plopped back under all of my blankets.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And…finally…the power came back on!

This time I was more cautious.

It might not last.

After an hour, I thought that maybe the electricity was here to stay.

Should I take a shower?

By this time it was late at night.

If we lost power again, I would be stranded in the pitch dark.

In single-digit temperatures.

Should I risk it?

We’re still on boil-water orders.

What if the water isn’t clean?

Oh, but what the heck.

I’ve waited long enough.

I brought a flashlight just in case.

It was the most glorious shower I have ever had in my life.

If I had gotten violently ill from dirty water, it still would have been worth it.

But I didn’t get sick.

If I never see snow again, it will be too soon.

Categories
humor storytelling

Put Down That Fork

Put down that fork

PUT DOWN THAT FORK

Today I have an appointment.

What might have been just an errand a year ago is now an occasion.

I put on real pants, not yoga pants.

I put on real shoes, not slippers.

And all I can say is, “OUCH!”

Everything is too tight.

Well now I know what I need to do.

I’m going to dress in real clothes every day from now on.

The pain and suffering will remind me to PUT DOWN THAT FORK!

That’s how it works, right?

Categories
family humor storytelling

Random Acts of Mild Aggravation

Random Acts of Mild Aggravation

RANDOM ACTS OF MILD AGGRAVATION

The Grown Son was insulted that I criticized the housekeeping standards of his truck.

He began a revenge campaign of Random Acts of Mild Aggravation.

He moved the cereal to a different pantry shelf.

He left several cabinet doors open.

He fiddled with the knobs on the dryer.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

In college, we did the exact same thing to one of our roommates.

We didn’t take anything, and we didn’t break anything.

We simply “adjusted” everything in her room.

She wasn’t amused.

In fact, she was quite angry.

That roommate will be pleased to know that Karma has finally caught up with me.

She won’t be so pleased to know that I still think it’s funny.

Categories
humor storytelling

Today I Swept the Leaves

Today I swept the leaves

Today I swept the leaves off the front porch.

Then the wind picked up.

And deposited a brand new mess in its place.

Maybe I should consider living in squalor.

It would certainly be a more efficient method of keeping house.

Categories
humor storytelling

Groundhog Day

Groundhog Day

The groundhog called it.

Six more weeks of winter.

Well, I guess I don’t mind six more weeks of 60 and sunny.

Yeah, I’m game.

Good call, groundhog, good call.

Categories
family storytelling

I Knew I Shouldn’t Have Eaten Them

I knew I shouldn't have eaten them

I KNEW I SHOULDN’T HAVE EATEN THEM

I knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

The Caramel Delight Girl Scout cookies.

Chocolate gives me a migraine.

But they were calling my name.

Like a siren song.

They lured me in.

And they were so delicious.

And coconut-y.

And caramel-y.

And chocolate-y.

Now I have a raging headache.

Have I learned any valuable life lessons from this experience?

No.

No, I have not.

Categories
storytelling

Chicken and Dumplings

Chicken and dumplings

CHICKEN AND DUMPLINGS

Today was a great day for comfort food.

It was a cold and gray and unsettled day.

I made a big pot of chicken and dumplings.

It didn’t solve any of the world’s problems.

But it was hot and delicious and comforting.

As Baby Bear would say, “It’s just right.”

Categories
storytelling

National Nachos Day

National Nachos Day

I just now learned that today is National Nachos Day.

Seriously?

I already had my dinner.

Why didn’t I know about this before I ate?

I know, I know, I am a grownup and I can eat nachos any time I want.

But I would have liked to have been invited to the party.

I have been holding up well this entire terrible year.

But this is the last straw.

Now I think I need to rage eat a second dinner.

I would, if only I had a more youthful metabolism.

Sigh.

National Nachos Day.

It’s going on the calendar for next year.