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Lifestyle

There’s So Little Time To Manage So Many Worries

So Little Time

So Little Time

So little time for so many worries.  

I heard a weird rustling in the holly bush near the front door.  

I was afraid it might be a snake.  

Did you hear the story about the hawk who dropped a snake?  

It landed on a lady.  

The hawk dived down to retrieve it.  

The snake clung to the lady for dear life, while the hawk fought to get its dinner back.  

That poor lady was very much bitten and squeezed and pecked and clawed by the time it was all over.  

I ignored the rustling and rushed into the house.  

At the time, it seemed like the best solution to the scary noise.  

Later, while doing yard work, Bob found a long-dead bird in the holly.  

Whatever it is that eats dead birds is probably what I heard rustling.  

What eats dead birds?  

Rats?  

Snakes?  

Hawks?  

It doesn’t really matter what.  

It’s all horrifying.  

I know that tonight I’ll be having a nightmare about being attacked by a snake and a hawk at the same time.  

Although it’s really a more likely scenario that I’ll contract West Nile Virus this summer.  

It’s all worthy of a panic attack.  

So many worries, so little time.

Liz Brenner

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Categories
Family Lifestyle

I Screamed Bloody Murder

I screamed bloody murder

Late last night, I let the dog out.

And then I screamed bloody murder.

The biggest freaking spider you have ever seen in your life scurried into the kitchen.

It looked like a little house spider.

On steroids.

Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of steroids.

Of course I screamed bloody murder.

What else was I going to do?

Bob usually laughs at me when I scream at spiders.

This time, he was shocked at the size of it.

“Oh F**K,” he swore, slamming a coffee cup over the hairy brute.

It was so big that its massive legs stuck out all around the rim.

I swear I could hear it cursing and threatening us.

Bob courageously flung the massive spider-beast out into the yard.

I helped by flinching, whimpering, and shrieking.

And holding the door open.

When we turned inside, we saw that something had been left behind.

Twitching ominously at us from the kitchen floor was one revolting, hairy, spider leg.

Ewwww.

I’m going to have nightmares.

Nightmares of a man-sized, roid-raged, seven-legged spider.

With one bloody stump.

Returning to stab me in my sleep.