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Lifestyle

This Story Won’t Get Posted Until Everyone Thinks It’s Funny

It's not funny

It’s not funny.

It’s been a crazy awful week in my household.

One disaster is happening right after another.

Just when I think the bad luck is over, another awful thing happens.

Like the song says, sometimes you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug.

This week, I’m the bug.

There’s nothing to do but take a deep breath and figure it all out.

“Are you going to post a story about this?” a friend asked.

Nope.

It’s not funny.

Although now that I think about it, maybe it’s a little bit funny.

In a grim, twisted, gallows-humor sort of way.

Yeah, I’ll write that piece.

I won’t post it, though, until the other characters in the story approve.

Yeah, I have a warped sense of humor.

But I also have standards.

Categories
Lifestyle

No Way, Never

No way, never!

I’m Getting the Heebie Jeebies Just Thinking About It!

All my leggings are falling apart.

I’ve been wearing a brace on my leg since the knee injury.

Leggings are the only pants I can wear.

The brace is wearing holes in the fabric.

It’s summertime now.

I could wear shorts or a sundress to save the wear on the leggings.

But that would create a bigger problem.

Velcro.

On my skin.

Nope.

For the love of God, no.

Velcro must never touch my skin.

No way, never.

I’m getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

My surgery hasn’t even happened yet.

I have a long summer of Velcro ahead of me.

I’ll just mend my worn-out leggings.

When this is all over, I’m going to burn my ragged, patched-up, old clothes.

Maybe I’ll burn the brace as well.

I never want to see Velcro again.

Categories
Lifestyle

What The Heck Was Going On?

What the heck was going on?

What the Heck Were They Thinking?

What the heck?

This morning, driving out of my neighborhood, I got behind a very, very, very slow car.

They put on their turn signal, so I figured they’d be gone quickly.

But no.

They switched the turn signal to the hazard lights.

OK, they’re having car trouble.

They need to pull over and take care of business.

Six cars have piled up behind me.

They started to pull over to the curb, but then decided not to, and they continued driving very, very, very slowly, positioning their car so that no one could pass.

What the heck?

At the intersection, they sat in the right turn lane while signaling left.

After they turned right, they flipped off the hazards and sped up to keep pace with traffic.

I have just a few choice words for them.

What.

The.

F***.

You.

F***ing.

F***s.

Categories
Lifestyle

My Blackberries Are Ripe!

My blackberries are ripe!

My Blackberries Are Ripe! However, Dignity Seems To Be In Short Supply.

My blackberries are ripe!

Well, the first lot is ready.

There will be a new batch ripening every day for a couple of weeks.

I brought a bucket outside and started picking.

I’m so excited.

Bob can make me blackberry smoothies when I have my knee surgery.

I was happily filling my bucket when it happened.

A snake.

I stepped on a snake.

I had read that copperheads like blackberry bushes.

And sure enough, there it was.

I did the only thing I could think of in the moment.

I screamed at the top of my lungs.

You probably heard me all the way across the country.

And then…

And then I realized.

It wasn’t a snake.

It was Blue’s rope toy.

Well that was a waste of a good hair-raising scream.

Karma must have been lurking over my shoulder.

A raised nail head on the fence ripped a hole in the seat of my pants.

I guess that’s what I get for screeching so loud over a doggy toy.

I sacrificed my pants.

And my dignity.

But I’ve got fresh blackberries so it’s worth it.

Categories
Dog

It’s National Rescue Dog Day!

National Rescue Dog Day

It’s National Rescue Dog Day – A Great Day to Celebrate Your Dog!

It’s National Rescue Dog Day.

We’ve always rescued our dogs.

The first one was Schatzi.

We got her as a puppy.

She is the reason we prefer to rescue older dogs.

Puppies are destructive.

She grew up to be a very good girl, though.

Our next dog was Dave.

He was a senior rescue.

We named him after David Brenner.

We didn’t think that one through.

Things could get awkward around guys with the same name.

Dave spent his golden years with us, being a very happy doofus.

Wrigley was our special dog.

We had her for 15 years.

She raised the boys.

Although all dogs are the Best Dog Ever, Wrigley really was the Best Dog Ever.

And now we have Blue.

I had just started her on obedience training when I wrecked my knee.

She has taken full advantage of my injury.

She has been very naughty.

Just this week she chewed up some socks, got into the trash, and ate some meatballs that were meant for our dinner.

I’m going to have to improvise some knee-injury-worthy obedience training.

I simply can’t sacrifice any more meatballs.

Happy National Rescue Dog Day!

Categories
Lifestyle

Yay Purple! Purple Blossoms Make Me Happy In The Springtime.

Yay purple!

Yay Purple – There is Never Too Much Purple

Yay purple!

The chaste trees in the back yard are starting to bloom.

Yay purple!

The Catawbas outside my office window are also starting to bloom.

Yay purple!

I miss the Jacaranda tree at our old house.

It would be starting to bloom a stunning purple right about now.

I also miss the wisteria that I had growing over the patio cover.

It would have bloomed purple earlier in the spring.

There is never too much purple in the springtime.

Yay purple!

Categories
Lifestyle

Shrieking. How To Make It Stop. And How To Go Insane In The Process.

Shrieking

The Shrieking Was Driving Us Insane.

Shrieking.

The front hall fire alarm started shrieking.

There was no fire.

At least none that we could detect.

But what if something was happening within the walls?

We inspected every electrical outlet in the house, looking for smoke, listening for odd noises, feeling for heat, and sniffing for any burning smells.

Nothing.

We checked the attic, the garage and all the outdoor fixtures.

Nothing.

We tried new batteries.

That didn’t help either.

All morning long the alarm would silence for awhile, and then it would start shrieking again.

Bob got mad and removed the entire fixture.

Since we’ve got smoke detectors all over the house, and since none of the other ones were going off, we figured that the problem was the sensor on that unit.

A new fire alarm was purchased and installed.

We are now the proud owners of glorious silence.

Categories
Lifestyle

I’ve Never Been Disappointed!

Never been disappointed.

I’ve Never Been Disappointed – Every Single Meal Has Been Delicious!

I’ve never been disappointed.

We always eat at a Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives place when we travel.

This road trip was no exception.

We ate at Mas Tacos Por Favor in Nashville.

This wonderful restaurant had a Cuban flair.

We ate tacos with black beans and plantains.

It was a perfect meal.

On the trip home, we stopped at The Root Café in Little Rock.

They served an amazing curried sweet potato soup.

I’ve never been disappointed by a Triple-D recommendation.

Categories
Lifestyle

Seriously? Is This A True Story?

Seriously? Is this a true story?

Seriously? Is This True?

Seriously?

We used a lot of rideshares in Nashville.

Most of the drivers were musicians.

All of them were very friendly and were happy to talk about their city.

My favorite driver was David.

He may or may not have been a musician, but he was certainly a comedian.

He grew up in Nashville.

David told us that way back in the day, Tootsie’s would hire kids to shoot pigeons away from the building.

The kids got paid in beer.

Seriously?

They hired kids to shoot birds at a crowded honky-tonk?

They paid kids in beer?

I want to know if this is true.

Who grew up in Nashville?

Who can confirm this story?

If it’s the truth, then we heard an outrageous but hilarious story about growing up in Music City.

If it’s a tall tale, then we spent an engaging moment in the company of a brilliant BSer.

Either way, I want to know.

Categories
Lifestyle

How To Tell Who Is A Jerk And Who Has Good Manners

He's a jerk

He’s A Jerk

I went on a Costco run.

At the end of the shopping trip, as I was navigating the parking lot in an electric cart, a 50-ish gentleman crossed my path.

He had just put his cart in the corral, and he was returning to his car.

He was obviously in a foul mood.

That’s understandable.

He had just finished shopping at Costco.

We’re all in a foul mood at that point.

When he crossed in front of me, he gave me an angry gesture with his chin, and he flicked his hand rudely, indicating that I should get the heck out of his way.

I was so shocked that I did move out of his way.

And then I was angry at myself because I should have stood my ground.

He’s a jerk.

Two Costco employees who were collecting carts saw the whole thing go down.

They rushed over to help me load my trunk and take my cart.

If anyone wants to disparage today’s youth, I would like to point out that it was the middle-aged guy who more or less pushed me, with a knee brace and an electric cart, out of his way, and it was two 20-somethings who rushed in to help.

Our youth is doing just fine.