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Lifestyle

Watch Out World, I’ve Got A Mom Card Now!

Mostly True Memoirs

Watch out world - I've got a Mom Card now!

I’ve Got A Mom Card!

I was doing 40 in a 30 zone.

It was a two-lane country road.

With no traffic at all.

The only reason I was going as slow as that was because up ahead is a big construction project.

The road is wrecked with potholes and gravel and debris.

A car came up from behind and rage-passed me, going 60 in the 30 zone.

I was mad.

I hope he hits a pothole.

Hard.

While I was fuming and wishing ill will upon my fellow commuter, I saw flashing lights in the mirror.

Seriously?

SERIOUSLY?

I got pulled over for speeding.

For doing 40 in a 30.

Where was this cop just one minute ago?

It’s that other guy who deserves a speeding ticket, not me.

Thankfully, the cop was a very kind and polite young man.

He just gave me a warning.

No ticket.

Whew!

In my youth, I used to cry my way out of tickets.

It worked like a charm.

The tides have turned.

Now I can play the Mom Card.

I feel so empowered.

Watch out, world!

I’m gonna start Momming like I’ve never Mommed before.

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Lifestyle

I Have No Regrets – It Was The Best Decision Ever

Mostly True Memoirs

I have no regrets

I Have No Regrets

It was one of those days.

After one of those weeks.

After a very, very, very trying month.

So I had pie and wine for dinner last night.

I have no regrets.

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Lifestyle

Darnit January, Why Are You Being So Difficult?

Mostly True Memoirs

Darnit January!

Darnit January!

Oh January.

That stark, bleak month when all the Christmas goodies have disappeared from the house.

Several times a day I’ll rummage through the kitchen, hopful that maybe this time I’ll find a hidden cookie or candy.

I never find it.

There are no more treats in this house.

An hour or so later, I’ll rummage again.

Maybe this time I’ll find a sweet.

I never find it.

Old Mother Hubbard has made her annual appearance.

The cupboards are most certainly bare.

All the sweets have been purged.

There are only healthy things to eat now.

I know this.

But still, I rummage, ever hopeful.

Darnit, January.

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Lifestyle

This Story Won’t Get Posted Until Everyone Thinks It’s Funny

Mostly True Memoirs

It's not funny

It’s not funny.

It’s been a crazy awful week in my household.

One disaster is happening right after another.

Just when I think the bad luck is over, another awful thing happens.

Like the song says, sometimes you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug.

This week, I’m the bug.

There’s nothing to do but take a deep breath and figure it all out.

“Are you going to post a story about this?” a friend asked.

Nope.

It’s not funny.

Although now that I think about it, maybe it’s a little bit funny.

In a grim, twisted, gallows-humor sort of way.

Yeah, I’ll write that piece.

I won’t post it, though, until the other characters in the story approve.

Yeah, I have a warped sense of humor.

But I also have standards.

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Lifestyle

No Way, Never

Mostly True Memoirs

No way, never!

I’m Getting the Heebie Jeebies Just Thinking About It!

All my leggings are falling apart.

I’ve been wearing a brace on my leg since the knee injury.

Leggings are the only pants I can wear.

The brace is wearing holes in the fabric.

It’s summertime now.

I could wear shorts or a sundress to save the wear on the leggings.

But that would create a bigger problem.

Velcro.

On my skin.

Nope.

For the love of God, no.

Velcro must never touch my skin.

No way, never.

I’m getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

My surgery hasn’t even happened yet.

I have a long summer of Velcro ahead of me.

I’ll just mend my worn-out leggings.

When this is all over, I’m going to burn my ragged, patched-up, old clothes.

Maybe I’ll burn the brace as well.

I never want to see Velcro again.

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Lifestyle

What The Heck Was Going On?

Mostly True Memoirs

What the heck was going on?

What the Heck Were They Thinking?

What the heck?

This morning, driving out of my neighborhood, I got behind a very, very, very slow car.

They put on their turn signal, so I figured they’d be gone quickly.

But no.

They switched the turn signal to the hazard lights.

OK, they’re having car trouble.

They need to pull over and take care of business.

Six cars have piled up behind me.

They started to pull over to the curb, but then decided not to, and they continued driving very, very, very slowly, positioning their car so that no one could pass.

What the heck?

At the intersection, they sat in the right turn lane while signaling left.

After they turned right, they flipped off the hazards and sped up to keep pace with traffic.

I have just a few choice words for them.

What.

The.

F***.

You.

F***ing.

F***s.

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Lifestyle

My Blackberries Are Ripe!

Mostly True Memoirs

My blackberries are ripe!

My Blackberries Are Ripe! However, Dignity Seems To Be In Short Supply.

My blackberries are ripe!

Well, the first lot is ready.

There will be a new batch ripening every day for a couple of weeks.

I brought a bucket outside and started picking.

I’m so excited.

Bob can make me blackberry smoothies when I have my knee surgery.

I was happily filling my bucket when it happened.

A snake.

I stepped on a snake.

I had read that copperheads like blackberry bushes.

And sure enough, there it was.

I did the only thing I could think of in the moment.

I screamed at the top of my lungs.

You probably heard me all the way across the country.

And then…

And then I realized.

It wasn’t a snake.

It was Blue’s rope toy.

Well that was a waste of a good hair-raising scream.

Karma must have been lurking over my shoulder.

A raised nail head on the fence ripped a hole in the seat of my pants.

I guess that’s what I get for screeching so loud over a doggy toy.

I sacrificed my pants.

And my dignity.

But I’ve got fresh blackberries so it’s worth it.

Categories
Dog

It’s National Dog Rescue Day!

Mostly True Memoirs

National Rescue Dog Day

It’s National Dog Rescue Day – A Great Day to Celebrate Your Dog!

It’s National Dog Rescue Day.

We’ve always rescued our dogs.

The first one was Schatzi.

We got her as a puppy.

She is the reason we prefer to rescue older dogs.

Puppies are destructive.

She grew up to be a very good girl, though.

Our next dog was Dave.

He was a senior rescue.

We named him after David Brenner.

We didn’t think that one through.

Things could get awkward around guys with the same name.

Dave spent his golden years with us, being a very happy doofus.

Wrigley was our special dog.

We had her for 15 years.

She raised the boys.

Although all dogs are the Best Dog Ever, Wrigley really was the Best Dog Ever.

And now we have Blue.

I had just started her on obedience training when I wrecked my knee.

She has taken full advantage of my injury.

She has been very naughty.

Just this week she chewed up some socks, got into the trash, and ate some meatballs that were meant for our dinner.

I’m going to have to improvise some knee-injury-worthy obedience training.

I simply can’t sacrifice any more meatballs.

Happy National Dog Rescue Day!

Categories
Lifestyle

Yay Purple! Purple Blossoms Make Me Happy In The Springtime.

Mostly True Memoirs

Yay purple!

Yay Purple – There is Never Too Much Purple

Yay purple!

The chaste trees in the back yard are starting to bloom.

Yay purple!

The Catawbas outside my office window are also starting to bloom.

Yay purple!

I miss the Jacaranda tree at our old house.

It would be starting to bloom a stunning purple right about now.

I also miss the wisteria that I had growing over the patio cover.

It would have bloomed purple earlier in the spring.

There is never too much purple in the springtime.

Yay purple!

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Lifestyle

Shrieking. How To Make It Stop. And How To Go Insane In The Process.

Mostly True Memoirs

Shrieking

The Shrieking Was Driving Us Insane.

Shrieking.

The front hall fire alarm started shrieking.

There was no fire.

At least none that we could detect.

But what if something was happening within the walls?

We inspected every electrical outlet in the house, looking for smoke, listening for odd noises, feeling for heat, and sniffing for any burning smells.

Nothing.

We checked the attic, the garage and all the outdoor fixtures.

Nothing.

We tried new batteries.

That didn’t help either.

All morning long the alarm would silence for awhile, and then it would start shrieking again.

Bob got mad and removed the entire fixture.

Since we’ve got smoke detectors all over the house, and since none of the other ones were going off, we figured that the problem was the sensor on that unit.

A new fire alarm was purchased and installed.

We are now the proud owners of glorious silence.