Categories
Writing Your Life Story

Why I Didn’t Get A New Pair of Flip FLops

Flip Flops

It’s mid-May.

The weather is warming up.

Summer’s almost here.

And every store has flip flops on display.

I saw some I liked.

On sale.

In several different colors.

I would have bought a pair or two.

But…

Yes, there’s a “but” in this story.

A big but.

The size 10s were on the bottom rack.

And the size 5s were WAAAAAY up high.

Seriously?

Anyone wearing a size 10 could easily reach the top shelf.

But someone wearing a size 5?

Not so much.

At the end of the season, they’re going to wonder why the smaller sizes didn’t sell.

Maybe they’ll stop carrying small sizes altogether because “there’s no demand.”

Well duh.

They should put the big sizes on the top shelves.

And keep the small sizes down low where people like me can actually reach them.

Otherwise, in drug stores across the country, you’ll see petite women staring longingly at flip flops that they cannot buy.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Categories
Dog Writing Your Life Story

Why A Dog Barking Caused Pre-Dawn Panic

All. Night. Long. The Story of a Dog Barking.

All. Night. Long.

A dog was barking.

I was exhausted. Irritated. Sleep deprived.

At 5:00 a.m., I had a horrifying thought…

Where’s Blue?

What if it’s MY dog?

What if I’ve been the cause of the all-night mayhem?

Cue panic.

Cue guilt.

Cue me sprinting to the back door like a terrible pet owner in a redemption arc.

I whistled.

Blue came cheerfully trotting in…

from another room in the house.

Not my dog barking.

Whew!

Instant relief.
Total forgiveness.
Inner peace.

…although at 10:00 a.m. that freaking dog was STILL barking.

My compassion comes with a very limited warranty.

Your move. What’s your version of the barking dog?

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

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Categories
Writing Your Life Story

Why I Got Carded, And Why It Made Me Happy

I Got Carded

It’s been years.

But today I got carded.

Someone actually asked to see my ID.

They couldn’t believe I was of age.

Well… not that kind of “of age.”

They were making sure I qualified for the senior discount.

It was still flattering.

Sort of.

The clerk was a teenager. With braces.

But still… I got carded.

I haven’t been carded in years.

Apparently, I’ve finally reached that magical age.

The one where you need proof that you’re old enough…

Again.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

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Categories
Dog Lifestyle

Is She Really Qualified To Be A Watchdog?

Is She Really Qualified to be a Watchdog?

Blue is a very good watchdog.

She barks at Amazon deliveries.
She barks at the neighbors’ carpools.
She barks at Mittens the Cat.

But somehow she missed the butter thief.

I had a stick of butter on the kitchen counter.

And then, all of a sudden, it was gone.

Wrapper and all.

Blue claims to know nothing about it.

On an entirely unrelated note, someone dumped the kitchen trash.

Blue, again, claims to know nothing about this suspicious turn of events.

She is excellent at monitoring external threats.

But internal investigations?
Not so much.

Currently, Blue has been placed on administrative leave.

Unpaid.

But with snacks.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Categories
Lifestyle Work

I Found Myself on the Brink of Inappropriate

Illustration of a crab wearing a cowboy hat used to represent an inappropriate  moment turned humorous in an online middle school classroom.

I teach middle school online.

At the end of every class, we spend the last 30 seconds on scribble time.

Everyone gets to scribble on the screen.

On the one hand, it’s stupid.

On the other hand, the kids love it.

And in an online classroom, that kind of joy matters.

Scribble time is a tiny but powerful way of building community online.

Today, during scribble time, one student announced,

“I want to talk about Jeffrey.”

“Jeffrey Dahmer?” another kid piped up.

Oh no.

We are NOT discussing Jeffrey Dahmer.

I’m not going to explain  Dahmer to the kids who don’t know.

That inappropriate topic is way above my pay grade.

I was one second away from closing down an inappropriate session when the student held Jeffrey up to the camera.

Jeffrey was a 3D-printed crab.

Wearing a cowboy hat.

Whew.

Jeffrey the Crab I can handle.

A conversation about 3D printing?

Absolutely within my pay grade.

But the kid who immediately jumped to Jeffrey Dahmer?

Yeah.

I’m keeping my eye on that one.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

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Categories
Lifestyle

How To Respond To Bad Cell Phone Etiquette

cell phone etiquette

People with bad cell phone etiquette in public are so annoying.

I was in the grocery store, in the produce department, and a young lady on her phone was blocking everywhere I wanted to be.

Every carrot.
Every apple.
Every bag of lettuce.

She was everywhere.
And she was in the way.

I finally gave up and decided to do the rest of my shopping.

I’ll come back to produce later, I thought.

Apparently, she had the same idea.

She followed me.

Still talking.
Still loud.
Still completely oblivious.
She was a textbook example of terrible cell phone etiquette .

And then…she crashed into me.

It was a full-on T-bone collision.
Cart to cart.

I wasn’t hurt.

But she didn’t know that.

She immediately dropped her phone and started apologizing like she’d just caused a five-car pileup.

And yes, I leaned into it.
I appeared faintly stunned.
Slightly fragile.
I gave a great possibly-injured-old-lady routine.

It worked beautifully.

She felt awful.

Thank goodness it was a shopping cart and not a car.

Maybe now she’ll think twice about cell phone etiquette in public.

Although… I doubt it.

Still, for one brief moment in the grocery store, cell phone etiquette made a comeback.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

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Categories
Dog Lifestyle

True Love – Why I Endured Chaos for My Dog

Chaos!

Whose brilliant idea was it to go to Costco on Thanksgiving week?

Ugh, the crowds.

We buy our dog food from Costco. I keep the enormous bag in the garage and a smaller bin inside the house. Yesterday, when I went to refill the bin, the garage supply was empty. Not a kibble in sight.

If I owned any other dog, I might’ve skipped Costco and grabbed a backup brand until the holiday madness died down. But Blue isn’t just any dog.

Blue has a very sensitive stomach. Her nickname is The Pukolator. When we first got her, we went through a nearly endless dog-food trial before we finally found the one brand, the blessed Costco bag, that keeps her digestive system from launching.

So off to Costco I went.

I grabbed the giant bag and lugged it to the registers… only to see the lines snaking all the way to the back of the store. At noon. On a Tuesday.

Yes, it was Thanksgiving week, but still, this was next-level chaos.

Then I learned why: Costco’s registers were down. They were only accepting cash.

Seriously? I never carry cash. I don’t even carry coins. Except for one quarter that I keep stashed in my car console for Aldi runs. That’s it.

I considered driving to another Costco, but I was already in too deep. A woman behind me sighed grumpily, “Good thing I wore my patient pants today.”

I informed her I had not worn mine. We bonded instantly. Misery loves company, especially in bulk quantities.

Finally, the line started moving. Maybe the system was repaired. Or maybe people had simply given up and fled to Trader Joe’s.

Luckily, Costco worked a miracle. Registers came back online, the staff opened extra lanes, and because I had only one item, they shuttled me to an express checkout line where all forms of payment were welcome. Bless them.

They handled the chaos beautifully.

But next year? I’m checking my dog-food supply on November 1st. I will not be caught up in Costco’s Thanksgiving shopping chaos again.

And Blue? She greeted me with ecstasy when I got home, as if she hadn’t seen me in weeks. Of course, she always greets me that way, so maybe it had nothing to do with the fact that she appreciates the lengths I had just gone to for her.

Now if I can get that kind of enthusiasm to rub off on my family, I’ll have a great Thanksgiving!

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Categories
Lifestyle

Neglect Turned Out To Be The Key To Success!

Neglect Equals Success!

I have this rogue tomato plant that decided to bloom at the end of summer.

Before I left for vacation, I enjoyed plenty of delicious, sun-warmed produce and figured the rest would ripen and die off from neglect before I got back.

But I was wrong.

Apparently, late-season tomatoes take their sweet time to ripen.

When I returned home after more than a week of neglect, that scrappy little plant had gone wild.

I had a massive harvest waiting for me.

Oh my gosh – what am I supposed to do with all of these tomatoes?

I decided to try oven-drying a small batch, just to see what would happen.

It worked.

Oh. My. Gosh.

They were incredible – savory, tangy, chewy little bursts of joy.

I was going to freeze the extras, but they’re so delicious that there might not be any extra left to freeze.

And the best part? I still have a ton of green ones waiting to ripen.

I am in tomato heaven.

I didn’t plan to become a tomato farmer, but here we are.

What about you?

Have you ever had a plant surprise you like that?

Share your garden success (or disaster) stories in the comments.

Misery – and bumper crops – love company!

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Categories
Dog Lifestyle

What In The World Were Those Suspicious Squeaks?

Suspicious squeaks

Playing fetch with Blue, to be honest, is less fetch and more keep-away.

She loves to taunt me with her toy, just out of reach, daring me to chase her.

Yup, she’s faster than me, and she knows it.

But today, fetch got interesting for a whole new reason.

This time of year, the grass is thick, springy, and unpredictable.

One wrong step and suddenly – squeaking.

Squeaking?

Multiple squeaks.

From under the lawn.

At first, I prayed it was just a long-lost dog toy.

But nope, Blue doesn’t get squeaky toys.

She shreds them in minutes.

Rope toys are safer.

The squeaks kept squeaking.

Which meant one thing: I’d stepped on a nest.

Rabbits? Maybe.

Mice? Possible.

Rats? Please, no.

Eww.

Just EWW.

And of course, I was wearing flip-flops.

The horror of possibly touching a rat in flip-flops is enough to launch boot season early this year.

From now on, Blue’s getting a full TSA-style pat-down before entering the house.

Sorry, Blue.

No exceptions.

Hopefully, my misstep encouraged the mystery critters to relocate.

But now I’m side-eyeing my backyard, suspicious.

Who else is living under my lawn?

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Categories
Dog Lifestyle

A Bag is Better Than That Yellow Bucket

The Yellow Bucket

SPOILER ALERT: This Story Is Disgusting (And Hilarious)

Blue is a big dog.

And big dogs leave big piles of poo in the backyard.

Since we play fetch out there every day, I clean the yard daily.

I bag the mess and toss it straight into the garbage.

Bob has a different method.

Instead of using bags, he shovels the poo into a yellow bucket and then dumps the contents into the trash later.

I’ve never understood this system.

Why dirty up the bucket?

It’s just more poo in more places.

Needless to say, I never, ever, ever use that yellow bucket.

Not for gardening, not for cleaning, not for anything.

Because… well, poo.

The other day Bob discovered something horrifying in a corner of the yard.

The Yellow Bucket.

Forgotten.

Full of rainwater.

Sun-baked and steamy.

And, yes, still full of poo.

What he had on his hands was a steaming bucket of Poo Stew.

I didn’t say, “I told you so.”

I didn’t need to.

He was gagging too hard to hear me anyway.

Lesson learned (hopefully):

Use a bag.

And toss it immediately.

As for that yellow bucket?

Let’s just say it disappeared quietly on trash day.

No questions asked.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

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