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A Woman Named Humble

Mostly True Memoirs

A woman named Humble

A WOMAN NAMED HUMBLE

Many of my English students adopt English names.

It’s not just for my class, it is for their entire business and professional identity.

In one particular corner of the world, the entire population seems to have perused the same outdated baby-naming book.

I have a lot of 30-year-old Herberts and Mildreds as students.

Some of them, however, choose random words for their names.

Today I had a woman named Humble in my class.

She probably saw a list of other virtue names such as Faith or Grace or Hope and assumed that Humble would work too.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that a humble person would never call herself humble.

Only a braggart would do that.

If she had asked for my opinion before she chose her name, I would have told her.

At this point, it’s none of my business.

I carried on with the class.

But I cringed whenever I said her name.

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How To Save A Career With An Impromptu Pronunciation Lesson

Mostly True Memoirs

an impromptu pronunciation lesson

AN IMPROMPTU PRONUNCIATION LESSON

My new ESL student introduced himself.

He is a cardiac surgeon.

In his free time he really likes cocaine.

What?

Excuse me?

Seriously?

After some discussion, I realized that what he actually meant was that he really likes cooking.

We had an impromptu pronunciation lesson.

His professional integrity remains intact.

Whew!

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What Do You Say When You Agree?

Mostly True Memoirs

what do you say when you agree

WHAT DO YOU SAY WHEN YOU AGREE?

The interpreters in my ESL classes are often useless.

Sometimes they are downright awful.

Today’s lesson was about expressions indicating agreement.

Of course, absolutely, that’s right, no kidding, certainly.

“What do you say when you agree?” is what I asked.

“What do you say when you are gay?” is what

the interpreter wrote in the chat box.

Oh.

Goodness.

That is not what I said.

That is not the correct interpretation.

That is certainly not the topic of the day.

Proofread before you post, interpreters.

Please proofread.

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We Were Talking About Pets

Mostly True Memoirs

We were talking about pets

WE WERE TALKING ABOUT PETS

Today in my ESL class, we were talking about pets.

One of the students mixed up his vocabulary.

He asked, “How do you play with your little uncle?”

He meant to say puppy instead of uncle.

And now I can’t get that disturbing image out of my mind.

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A Loud Smile

Mostly True Memoirs

A loud smile

A LOUD SMILE

My English student defined the word “laugh” as “a loud smile.”

Yeah.

That works

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Chicken and Candy For Dinner

Mostly True Memoirs

Chicken and candy

CHICKEN AND CANDY FOR DINNER

My beginning English student told me that he had eaten chicken and candy for dinner.

I hesitated a moment before I clarified that.

Who am I to judge?

Maybe he DID eat chicken and candy for dinner.

It sounds like great comfort food.

A few shots of whiskey would make an excellent dessert pairing.

I was very disappointed to find out, on questioning him, that he had actually eaten chicken and vegetables for dinner.

I am now rethinking my own dinner plans for tonight.

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Online English Class

Mostly True Memoirs

Online English Class

ONLINE ENGLISH CLASS

Today I had sound problems in my online English class.

The students couldn’t hear me.

I could hear them.

And they could hear each other.

But they couldn’t hear me.

They could read my chats, so I set them up with an exercise, and I contacted the tech guy for help with the sound.

He said that he couldn’t hear me.

Exactly.

That’s my problem, I told him via the chat box.

No one can hear me.

Can you please help me fix my sound?

I can’t hear you, he repeated.

Ah, now I understand the problem.

The tech guy needs English lessons too.

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She Is a Very Angry Woman

Mostly True Memoirs

She is a very angry woman

SHE IS A VERY ANGRY WOMAN

Today my English students talked about phobias.

Spiders.

Snakes.

Lightening.

The dark.

In every class, the students seemed to have similar fears.

Except for one man.

He stated that he is afraid of his wife.

She is a very angry woman.

To alleviate his fear, he drinks a lot of beer.

Well.

That escalated quickly.

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A Traffic Ticket

Mostly True Memoirs

A traffic ticket

A TRAFFIC TICKET

My ESL student told me that she got a traffic ticket.

For driving on the sidewalk.

Wait, what?

On the sidewalk?

Was she on a bicycle?

No, she was in her car.

There was a lot of traffic.

And she was in a hurry.

Oh.

OK then.

As long as there was a good reason.

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Going to the Movies

Mostly True Memoirs

Going to the movies

GOING TO THE MOVIES

Today my adult ESL students were discussing going to the movies.

I broke them into pairs to have a conversation.

Student 1: Would you like to meet me at 5:00 in the evening to see a movie?

Student 2: 5:00 o’clock is not evening. 5:00 o’clock is afternoon.

1:

Me: 5:00 can be called afternoon or evening. Both are OK.

2: 5:00 is afternoon.

Me: You can say that 5:00 is too early, and you would prefer to meet later.

2: 5:00 O’CLOCK IS AFTERNOON!

Yeah, I’m guessing this guy doesn’t get too many invitations.