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Lifestyle

It’s A Festivus Miracle!

Festivus

Happy Festivus!

Today is Festivus!

This week we had National Short Girl Day.

Today is Festivus.

We’ve already had Hanukkah.

Christmas, New Years, several family birthdays, and The Rose Bowl are coming up.

So many things to celebrate.

“…but who needs all that joy and cheer anyway?”

It’s a Festivus miracle!

“I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!”

…and another piece of the puzzle falls into place.

And there it is.

Festivus shaped me.

Which explains an awful lot.

Happy Festivus!

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Lifestyle

How To Grow The BEST Tomato Garden

My Tomato Garden

I planted a vegetable garden last spring.

Like I do every year.

And the rabbits ate the whole thing.

Like they do every year.

I don’t know why I even bother.

But then, out of nowhere, in September, a rogue tomato plant popped up.

Late.

Defiant.

And strangely untouched.

Where are the rabbits?

Maybe they’re not as hungry in the fall as they are in spring.

Now I’ve got zillions of green tomatoes.

Hopefully they’ll survive to be harvested.

Maybe the secret to a successful tomato garden isn’t fighting the rabbits.

Maybe the secret is just waiting them out.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Lifestyle

“That’s Hedley,” Is STILL A Great Line!

Hedley, it's Hedley!

I’ve met someone named Hadley.

All I can think about is Harvey Korman from Blazing Saddles.

The That’s Hedley line keeps running through my head.

The Hadley I’ve just met is young, so hopefully no one from this generation will get the Blazing Saddles reference, and no one will laugh.

Except me.

And only on the inside.

I don’t feel too bad about laughing because all my life I’ve been called names.

Kids used to sing the Lizzie Borden song at me all the time.

Also, for years, I heard non-stop, “Not now, I’m right in the middle of a Rothschild’s,” although today probably nobody remembers that jingle.

What I’ve always tried to do is to get everyone to recognize that I am actually the Queen of England, but for some reason that never caught on.

Everyone’s name has got a funny reference.

Once, when one of my boys was young, he got in trouble for cracking a joke about a teacher’s name.

Yes, it was rude, and yes, he deserved to be punished.

But it was also clever.

Over the years, I had heard all of the nicknames for this teacher, and my kid came up with a new one.

They could have given him a little credit for coming up with something unique.

He didn’t get credit.

He got in trouble.

Oh well.

He’s also one of the few young people who have seen, and appreciated, Blazing Saddles.

So there’s that.

That’s Hedley!

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Lifestyle

An Ankle Monitor – The New Fashion Rage

An Ankle Monitor!

I got one of those under-the-desk bicycle pedal things.

I sit at my computer all day, so this will give me a little exercise.

A hard lesson learned is that it’s MUCH better to pedal backward than forward.

With forward pedaling, I tend to slide out of the chair.

Going backward keeps my rear end firmly planted in place.

I also learned that my office chair has a distracting squeak.

A shot of WD40 solved that problem.

I’m trying to keep track of my steps, so I’ve been wearing my Apple Watch on my leg.

It looks like an ankle monitor.

Which feels a bit like false advertising.

If I’m going to wear an ankle monitor, I should at least make an attempt to be a criminal.

However, I have no inclination toward drugs, burglary, or violence.

Also, I have absolutely no skills.

I would make a terrible criminal.

I’m going to ask the Grown Sons how I should approach this.

I bet they’ll have lots of great ideas for me.

Hahaha, seriously, the Apple Watch is the closest I’ll ever get to an ankle monitor.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Lifestyle

The New Texas Chainsaw Lumberjack

The New Texas Chainsaw Lumberjack

The other day, Bob trimmed some tree branches with the chainsaw.

Why do men always curse like a drunken sailor when they’re using power tools?

My darling husband denies that he does this, but seriously, it happens every time.

Anyway, when he was done, he told me that I could use the chainsaw to cut up the debris.

I was shocked.

He usually tells me to stay away from the power tools.

Far, far away.

There was that incident with the belt sander years ago…

But that’s a story for another time.

At any rate, none of the boys were around to help that day.

So I did it.

Bob hovered, worried that I might cut off an arm or a leg, or worse, sever the power cord.

I did none of those things.

And I didn’t curse either.

But I did sing Monty Python’s lumberjack song.

It’s still going through my head today.

“I’m a lumberjack and I’m OK…”

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Lifestyle

How To Shatter the Sunday Morning Silence

How to shatter the Sunday morning silence

I woke up really early on Sunday morning and decided to do some yard work at first light.

I tried really, really, really hard to be quiet so I wouldn’t wake the neighbors.

So, of course, it made sense that today of all days I knocked over the wall of rakes and shovels and equipment that we keep in the metal garden shed.

It made a resounding crash noise.

Over and over and over again, as each item fell.

Darn it!

Then I stabbed myself in the ribs on a wayward tree branch.

The stabbing didn’t make any noise at all, but my curse word sure did!

“Son of a $%*(@AX#IO!”

Then a train went by.

This was the loudest train I have ever heard.

It was squeaking and screeching and squawking and sounded like it could use a railroad-sized spray of WD40.

Blue did not like that noise and started howling.

So yeah, I made a huge racket very early on a Sunday morning.

And it was all for nothing because it quickly became way too windy to do any yard work anyway.

The next time I get the urge to do early morning chores, I’ll just pour myself another cup of coffee and read a book.

It’s quieter that way.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Family Lifestyle

Moms Know – Always Listen To The Moms

Moms know - always listen to the moms

Saint Patrick’s Day is over, but I still have it on my mind.

Years ago, on Saint Patrick’s Day, it was Spring Break, and my husband and older son were going on a trip.

We had to drive to the airport for an early morning flight.

The younger son wanted to stay home and sleep.

However, he wasn’t old enough to stay home alone for the length of time I would be gone.

I assured him that he could roll into the car in his pajamas, sleep on the drive, and roll back to bed when we got home.

He complained and complained and complained and complained and complained.

This was unusual, because he was usually a very cheerful and pleasant child.

His griping was getting on everyone’s nerves, and the whole family was cranky and snappish.

As we were driving down the freeway, I turned to the back seat to tell him to pipe down, and to perhaps throw out a few random threats that I probably wouldn’t carry out, when I saw his face.

“Pull over,” I told Bob urgently, “He’s going to be sick.”

“No, he’s not,” Bob snarled back, “He’s just whining.”

Sure enough, just a few minutes later, the kid got carsick.

Violently carsick.

Moms know.

We had to pull over in a gas station to clean up as best as we could.

I didn’t say a word for the rest of the ride.

Neither did the kid, who now felt much better, and had cheerfully stopped his complaining.

However, after we dropped off the other two, I had a few questions for him.

“How many cupcakes did you eat at your Saint Patrick’s Day party at school yesterday?” I asked.

“The teacher said we could each have one,” he replied angelically.

“Yeah, but how many did you sneak after that?”

He looked at me sheepishly.

“How did you know?” he asked meekly.

“Moms know everything,” I told him.

Also, his vomit was green.

We spent that Saint Patrick’s Day steam cleaning the car.

From that point forward, Bob always pulled over when I asked.

And no one ever got carsick inside the car again.

Moms know.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Family Lifestyle

The Planets All Lined Up – Did You See It?

Everyone happened to be home for dinner the night the planets all lined up.

I made the whole family march outside and take a look.

Everyone rolled their eyes, but they all followed me out.

It was amazing!

A discussion about Uranus ensued.

Of course it did.

I have boys.

A Mother of Boys comes to expect this.

The Uranus jokes kept us all outside just a little bit longer, taking in this fantastic, once-in-a-lifetime phenomenon.

With boys, it’s a trade off.

I have to listen to some off-colored remarks.

And they (usually) do what I ask of them.

It works for me.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Lifestyle

A Seriously Disgusting Sale Item

A seriously disgusting sale item

Canned vegan hot dogs.

Seriously?

I saw them on the clearance rack at the grocery store.

Yup, they were on clearance.

Apparently even the vegans don’t want them.

I am not a fan of canned foods in the first place.

But canned vegan hot dogs are about as disgusting as you can go on the canned food scale.

Especially since you’re already at the grocery store.

You could just walk over to the produce department and find a fresh, yummy, vegan option.

I was tempted to buy them, just for a joke.

Maybe I could pull a joke on someone at the next potluck dinner.

But then I thought that I didn’t want to give the canned vegan hot dog folks any false hope.

Being their Only Customer Ever would be too great a burden for me to bear.

Yeah, nah, I passed on that particular clearance rack item.

Seriously.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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Lifestyle Work

I Don’t Think I Remember How To Use An Encyclopedia!

Encyclopedia

The word ‘encyclopedia’ was a spelling word for my middle schoolers the other day.

I asked if anybody knew what it meant.

After all, who uses an encyclopedia anymore?

Today we’ve got Google.

One kid knew what it was.

He has a set in his house.

Just that morning he used it to research information for his history class.

I was shocked that a 21st-century kid would know about encyclopedias.

He assured me that he only used it because his mom made him.

His preference would have been the internet.

It just goes to show that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Kids today still know how to use an encyclopedia.

And moms are still making kids do the right thing.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

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