Categories
Lifestyle

A Seriously Disgusting Sale Item

A seriously disgusting sale item

Canned vegan hot dogs.

Seriously?

I saw them on the clearance rack at the grocery store.

Yup, they were on clearance.

Apparently even the vegans don’t want them.

I am not a fan of canned foods in the first place.

But canned vegan hot dogs are about as disgusting as you can go on the canned food scale.

Especially since you’re already at the grocery store.

You could just walk over to the produce department and find a fresh, yummy, vegan option.

I was tempted to buy them, just for a joke.

Maybe I could pull a joke on someone at the next potluck dinner.

But then I thought that I didn’t want to give the canned vegan hot dog folks any false hope.

Being their Only Customer Ever would be too great a burden for me to bear.

Yeah, nah, I passed on that particular clearance rack item.

Seriously.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

YOUR FREE WRITING TIP – Your Voice Matters

IT’S YOURS! A FREE GUIDE – Four Easy Steps To Editing Your Perfect Social Media Post. All you’ve got to do is SUBSCRIBE!

Categories
Lifestyle Work

I Don’t Think I Remember How To Use An Encyclopedia!

Encyclopedia

The word ‘encyclopedia’ was a spelling word for my middle schoolers the other day.

I asked if anybody knew what it meant.

After all, who uses an encyclopedia anymore?

Today we’ve got Google.

One kid knew what it was.

He has a set in his house.

Just that morning he used it to research information for his history class.

I was shocked that a 21st-century kid would know about encyclopedias.

He assured me that he only used it because his mom made him.

His preference would have been the internet.

It just goes to show that the more things change, the more they stay the same.

Kids today still know how to use an encyclopedia.

And moms are still making kids do the right thing.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

WHY A PARTS-OF-SPEECH REVIEW IS SO IMPORTANT

IT’S YOURS! A FREE GUIDE – Four Easy Steps To Editing Your Perfect Social Media Post. All you’ve got to do is SUBSCRIBE!

Categories
Lifestyle

This One Scary Procedure Will Stop That Vicious Cycle

A Vicious Cycle

It’s been a vicious cycle.

I’ve had this bit of scar tissue on the inside of my cheek.

It sticks out, so I keep biting it.

Because I keep biting it, it keeps growing bigger.

And the bigger it gets, the more often I bite it.

Finally, the dentist advised removing it.

I HATE dental procedures.

But I hate this bitey-bit even more.

So I agreed to have it removed.

I thought they would just take a knife and shave it off.

That’s what a dermatologist would do.

Apparently, the dentist operates in a completely different orbit than the dermatologist.

They did not cut it.

They cauterized it.

In other words, they burned it off.

They used tweezers to hold the lesion up, and then they cauterized the base.

Yes, there was smoke.

Yes, there was the smell of burning flesh.

Yes, I was completely numb.

I sat very, very, very still so they wouldn’t accidentally burn parts of me that they didn’t intend to burn

But I was freaking out on the inside.

When I got home and took a look, I was horrified to see a blackened, ashy fire pit inside my cheek.

Seriously, it was a third-degree burn.

It brought to mind every crime movie I’ve ever seen where they put out a cigarette on somebody’s face.

You can’t use a salve or an ointment inside your mouth.

You just have to deal with it.

Ewww, it was gross.

Nobody was more surprised than me to find, the next morning, that it was significantly healed.

It was no longer black and ashy.

It didn’t even hurt.

It’s reassuring to know that the dentist really did know what she was doing.

I’ll still freak out at my next visit.

Because that’s how I roll.

But I’ll definitely freak out with a little more confidence, a little less crime-movie vibe, and a whole lot less of that painful vicious cycle.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

Your Voice Matters – Your Story Is Powerful

IT’S YOURS! A FREE GUIDE – Four Easy Steps To Editing Your Perfect Social Media Post. All you’ve got to do is SUBSCRIBE!

Categories
Lifestyle Work

Being Coachable Is The Secret To Success

On being coachable

My boys once had a coach who swore he could teach any kid to play.

And he did.

Kids would start out timid and shy and uncoordinated.

And he would turn them into athletes.

It was an amazing transformation.

The caveat, he said, was that the kid had to be coachable.

The ones who argued or who complained or who dragged their feet might not turn into athletes, even if they had raw talent.

Anyone who was willing to listen, willing to try, and willing to accept advice could be turned into a fine athlete.

I always admired that coach.

I teach my English classes the same way.

Every child has the capacity to learn to read and write.

I have had middle school students reading at a third-grade level, and I’ve brought them up to grade level.

I have had ten-year-olds who couldn’t read at all, and I’ve brought them up to grade level.

I have had troubled kids who thought there was no hope, and I’ve brought them up to grade level.

The caveat is that they have to be coachable.

They have to be willing to listen, willing to try, and willing to accept advice.

I had one middle-school girl who was not coachable.

The class was online, and she was always on her phone during every session.

How do I know?

Her eyes were glued down to her lap, and she would laugh at inappropriate moments.

I called on her often, in an attempt to force her to pay attention.

Her responses were either an eye roll or a completely off-topic answer.

I encouraged her to set her phone aside.

I sent messages to her parents.

Nothing ever changed.

Sigh.

She got out of this class exactly what she put into it.

Nothing.

This kid didn’t make any progress.

Hopefully it was just a phase for her.

One day she’ll realize that she has some catching up to do.

I’ve taught plenty of adults how to read.

She can come back to me when she has her epiphany.

When she’s ready to be coachable, I’ll teach her to read.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

Your Voice Matters – Your Story Is Powerful

IT’S YOURS! A FREE GUIDE – Four Easy Steps To Editing Your Perfect Social Media Post. All you’ve got to do is SUBSCRIBE!

Categories
Lifestyle Work

Why Spelling Is Important – Put the Pedal to the Metal

Put the pedal to the metal

I’m an English teacher.

And an editor.

I should know better.

But I’m only human.

To this day, I can’t figure out the difference between affect and effect.

I know, I could use the RAVEN trick.

Remember that Affect is a Verb and Effect is a Noun.

Except, of course, that sometimes affect is a noun and sometimes effect is a verb.

Ugh.

I just can’t.

My workaround is to simply find another way to say it.

I’ll go to huge lengths to avoid using these words.

There’s always another word.

And so it is with the idiom “put the pedal to the metal.”

Is it pedal or petal or peddle?

Is it medal or metal or meddle?

The correct idiom – put the pedal to the metal – is a car reference, indicating that you should push the gas pedal all the way down to the floorboard in order to go as fast as you can.

If you can’t figure out how to write it correctly, find another idiom.

There’s always another idiom.

Try using “B*lls to the wall.”

It’s an aviation reference, and it means the same thing.

Go as fast as you can.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

Your Voice Matters – Your Story Is Powerful

IT’S YOURS! A FREE GUIDE – Four Easy Steps To Editing Your Perfect Social Media Post. All you’ve got to do is SUBSCRIBE!

Categories
Lifestyle

An Easy Way To Manage The ELF Diet

The ELF Diet

It’s that time of year again.

Time to start the old ELF diet.

You know which one I’m talking about.

You don’t have to measure your food or keep any records.

There’s nothing you can’t eat on this diet.

It’s simple.

Although don’t look to me as any kind of role model.

I’ve obviously failed this diet many times over.

The ELF diet regimen is simple.

Eat Less Food.

So far today I have had no cookies.

Which is a considerable improvement over the past few days.

Of course, the day is not over yet.

There’s no telling what sort of cookie damage I might do in the coming hours.

I’m hoping the Grown Sons will come by for dinner and clear out all the holiday leftovers.

That way I can’t be tempted by cookies or mashed potatoes.

Let the ELF diet begin!

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

How To Find Funny Stories To Tell Your Friends

IT’S YOURS! A FREE GUIDE – Four Easy Steps To Editing Your Perfect Social Media Post. All you’ve got to do is SUBSCRIBE!

Categories
Lifestyle

Expert Opinion – Die Hard IS a Christmas Movie!

Is Die Hard a Christmas Movie?

I went to a holiday party where we played a Christmas movie trivia game.

My team answered Die Hard to any question that we didn’t know the answer to.

And guess what?

We won.

This ends the eternal debate.

Is Die Hard a Christmas movie?

Yes!

We won a prize so it MUST be true.

When I got home from the party, guess what was on TV?

Die Hard.

Yippee-ki-yay, the holiday spirit has arrived.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

How To Find Funny Stories To Tell Your Friends

IT’S YOURS! A FREE GUIDE – Four Easy Steps To Editing Your Perfect Social Media Post. All you’ve got to do is SUBSCRIBE!

Categories
Lifestyle

Shouldn’t the Bugs be Dead By Now?

The Bugs

Welp.

I really did it to myself this time.

I’m usually so careful.

But it’s the middle of November so I didn’t think I still had to check.

Here’s what happened.

I grabbed a shovel in the backyard that was leaning against the fence.

I didn’t look where I was putting my hand.

I should have looked where I was putting my hand.

The shovel was covered with fire ants.

And now I have a mess on my hands.

A painful, burning mess.

In the summertime I’m always so careful.

But we’re well into fall.

Shouldn’t the bugs be dead by now?

Isn’t that in the rule book?

All bugs must die by November.

If it isn’t a rule, it should be.

Stupid fire ants.

Liz Brenner

Everyone has a story to tell.

Even you.

Especially you.

This post might include affiliate links. If you make a purchase, I may receive a small commission from the seller at no cost to you.

How To Cultivate Your Funny Story Ideas

IT’S YOURS! A FREE GUIDE – Four Easy Steps To Editing Your Perfect Social Media Post. All you’ve got to do is SUBSCRIBE!

Categories
Work

A Woman Named Humble

Humble

Many of my English students adopt English names.

It’s not just for my class, it is for their entire business and professional identity.

In one particular corner of the world, the entire population seems to have perused the same outdated baby-naming book.

I have a lot of 30-year-old Herberts and Mildreds as students.

Some of them, however, choose random words for their names.

Today I had a woman named Humble in my class.

She probably saw a list of other virtue names such as Faith or Grace or Hope and assumed that Humble would work too.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her that a humble person would never call herself humble.

Only a braggart would do that.

If she had asked for my opinion before she chose her name, I would have told her.

At this point, it’s none of my business.

I carried on with the class.

But I cringed whenever I said her name.

Categories
Work

We Were Talking About Pets

Talking About Pets

Today in my ESL class, we were talking about pets.

One of the students mixed up his vocabulary.

He asked, “How do you play with your little uncle?”

He meant to say puppy instead of uncle.

And now I can’t get that disturbing image out of my mind.