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humor lifestyle storytelling

An Agonizing Choice

An Agonizing Choice

AN AGONIZING CHOICE

I was hoping for an early frost.

The bugs would die.

And I was planning on dancing on their bug graves.

In bare feet.

But now I’ve had a change of heart.

My tomatoes have had a huge late-season bloom.

I want the frost to hold off a bit.

But I also want the bugs to die.

And I want to dance barefoot.

It’s an agonizing choice.

But it’s not too much to ask, is it?

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Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Moths Are Gross

Moths are gross

MOTHS ARE GROSS

Moths are gross.

They don’t usually scare me.

It’s more like they creep me out.

They’re stupid.

They don’t flutter sweetly like their beautiful butterfly cousins.

They flail and smack at you relentlessly.

And when you squish them, they turn into dust.

Dust?

Why?

At any rate, this moth is the biggest moth I’ve ever seen.

It made a loud scraping sound against the ground when I nudged it.

Luckily, it was already dead.

Otherwise, you would have heard me screaming all the way across the country.

What is the name for a group of moths?

A flock?

A drove?

A pack?

At any rate, I hope this one is just a freak of nature and not part of a larger herd of freakishly enormous moths in the garage.

Or worse, the house.

Moths – eww.

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Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

What is Wrong With the Ants in Texas?

What is wrong with the ants in Texas?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE ANTS IN TEXAS?

What is wrong with the ants in Texas?

I doused the bathroom with Raid yesterday.

Today there are still ants.

But they are not in a trail.

There is no rhyme or reason.

They were on the wall, they were in the sink, they were in a cabinet.

In California, the ants form a trail.

All you have to do is follow the trail to see where they are coming from, and then treat that area.

When you use bug spray in California, the next day there will be piles of dead ants.

There were no dead bugs in my bathroom today.

These Texas fire ants are seriously messing with me.

I think their mission is to have me use so much Raid that I poison myself.

I can only imagine their ant joy when I finally collapse from the fumes of my own bug spray.

Then they will march in and bite me, keeping me just barely alive.

So they can watch me suffer.

I was really hoping for a more dignified ending.

Stupid ants.

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

It’s Yard Work Day

It's Yard Work Day

IT’S YARD WORK DAY

It’s yard work day.

I wore thick socks and boots.

With long pants tucked into the boots.

And a toxic level of bug spray.

I still got eaten alive.

What the heck?

On one ankle, I have a three-inch welt that goes all the way around.

It’s very painful.

It feels like an ankle monitor.

But without the exciting story of an arrest.

I can’t imagine anyone at a cocktail party being even mildly interested in my early-morning weed-whacking adventures.

It almost makes me want to take up crime.

Just for the storytelling opportunities.

Stupid bugs.