Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

I’m An Idiot

I'm an idiot

I’M AN IDIOT

I’m an idiot.

We’re having beer-can chicken for our Father’s Day dinner.

I went to the store to buy all the fixings.

But I forgot beer in cans.

I got bottles.

I went back to the store this morning to get beer in a can.

Only to be reminded by the smug cashier that in Texas, you can’t buy beer before noon on a Sunday.

To clarify his point, the cashier made an announcement across the PA system to remind all of the other equally stupid shoppers that no one can buy beer before noon on a Sunday.

Yep, I got the message.

No beer before noon.

I spent $83.00 and didn’t get the one thing that I went to the store to buy.

Sigh.

I’ll have to make another trip out this afternoon.

Categories
humor storytelling Toastmasters

We Dodged a Bullet

We dodged a bullet

WE DODGED A BULLET

I won best table topics at Toastmasters last night.

I spoke about getting “that call” from the school.

My class-clown child generated an awful lot of those calls back in the day.

In this particular case, it was a hilarious misunderstanding.

The teacher thought it was funny.

Whew – we dodged a bullet!

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Venus, Goddess of Love

Venus, Goddess of Love

VENUS, GODDESS OF LOVE

I took a Buzzfeed quiz to see which Roman goddess I am.

I got Venus, Goddess of Love.

Seriously?

I feel like Buzzfeed doesn’t even know me.

I should have gotten Goddess of Apathy.

Or maybe Goddess of Meh.

Whatever.

Venus just sounds like so much effort.

And way too much drama.

Maybe I could repurpose my new role.

I could be Venus, Goddess of Love of Guacamole.

Now there’s some drama I could sink my teeth into.

Categories
humor memoir storytelling

Ain’t That The Truth!

Ain't that the truth!

AIN’T THAT THE TRUTH!

At a recent Toastmasters meeting, the Grammarian pointed out that sometimes the best way to make a clear point is to use bad grammar.

Yup

One time I gave a humorous presentation at a Toastmasters meeting.

Afterwards, a fellow Toastmaster pulled me aside and urgently pointed out that I had used sloppy grammar.

This person was surprised and a little offended because I am an English teacher, a writer, and an editor, and I should know better.

Well duh.

It was done strategically.

Perfect grammar would have been incongruous in a comedy about Fireball.

Grammar standards and whiskey shots just don’t go together.

There’s a time and a place for everything.

Sometimes bad grammar is the best way to make a particular point.

Ain’t that the truth!

Categories
family humor storytelling

A Scathing Insult

A scathing insult

A SCATHING INSULT

The Grown Son has been on a roll.

An obnoxious, foul-tempered, door-slamming roll.

I finally had enough.

“Don’t be such a little d**k,” I snarled.

He was shocked.

I don’t know what insulted him more.

The “little,” or the “d**k,” or the fact that these particular words came from his mother.

He reigned it in.

But he was still mad.

For several days.

This morning, however, he took the garbage out without being asked, and he graced me with a smile.

This just goes to show that sometimes nothing is quite as effective as a scathing insult.

Categories
humor memoir storytelling

I’m Afraid I’ve Created a Monster

Have I created a monster?

I’M AFRAID I’VE CREATED A MONSTER

Blackberries start out as a white flower.

Then they turn into green berries, and then red berries and then, finally, blackberries.

Every day I go out with a huge bowl to pick the ripe ones.

Every day there are tons and tons of red berries and green berries and white flowers waiting their turn.

I’m getting a little worried.

Is this ever going to end?

This year’s new growth, which will produce next year’s fruit, is already bigger than the established plants.

I’m afraid I’ve created a monster.

I am remembering the apple tree scene from The Wizard of Oz.

I hope my blackberries don’t rise up against me like those apple trees did.

I’ll keep the pruning shears handy just in case.

Categories
dog family storytelling

National Best Friends Day

National Best Friends Day

Today is National Best Friends Day.

That means it’s a day to celebrate Wrigley.

Wrigley is the Best Friend Ever.

I know I’ve said that about every dog I’ve ever had, but this time it’s true.

Wrigley doesn’t bark, she doesn’t chew, and she doesn’t dig.

And she doesn’t shed.

She does snuggle, and she’s very, very, very cute and sweet.

She’s also very chill.

She loves a walk, but if you don’t have time, she’s just as happy to take a nap.

The downside is that she’s not a very good watchdog.

“Take whatever you want but please be quiet because I’m trying to sleep,” is what I imagine she would say to any bad guys.

It’s a good thing we’ve never had to test that out.

Happy National Best Friends Day Wrigley!

Categories
humor lifestyle storytelling

Blackberry Jam

Blackberry jam

BLACKBERRY JAM

When we left California, I was sad to leave my peach tree behind.

I knew I would miss the heavenly smell of the peach jam that I would prepare every summer.

However, blackberries grow very well here in Texas.

And who knew?

Blackberries are so much easier to work with than peaches because you don’t have to peel and pit them.

I feel a little bit Little House on the Prairie with all of this talk about blackberry jam.

Technically, I do live in a little house, and I do live on the prairie.

But I am very happy to say that I do not own a sunbonnet.

I wore my Dodgers cap and yoga pants to go berrying.

My clothes would have scandalized Laura’s Ma.

That makes me fabulous instead of dorky. 

Right?

Categories
family humor storytelling

Your Camera Sucks

Your camera sucks

YOUR CAMERA SUCKS

I bought a green screen that attaches to the back of the chair.

I had nothing but problems.

I watched some YouTube videos and fixed most of the issues.

But I couldn’t get my camera settings adjusted properly.

I called the Grown Son in for assistance.

He was very helpful.

Not.

“Your camera sucks,” was his assessment.

Is there a YouTube video for that?

Categories
dog lifestyle storytelling

I’ve Always Rescued My Dogs

I've always rescued my dogs

I’VE ALWAYS RESCUED MY DOGS

I am working a volunteer event at the Humane Society next week.

I’m doing it as a favor to a friend.

I made him promise that I wouldn’t be sent home with a new dog.

My Wrigley is getting on in years.

It would be cruel to bring home her replacement.

And make her train it.

I’ve always rescued my dogs.

I’ll rescue again.

But not right now.