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humor lifestyle storytelling

What is Wrong With the Ants in Texas?

What is wrong with the ants in Texas?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE ANTS IN TEXAS?

What is wrong with the ants in Texas?

I doused the bathroom with Raid yesterday.

Today there are still ants.

But they are not in a trail.

There is no rhyme or reason.

They were on the wall, they were in the sink, they were in a cabinet.

In California, the ants form a trail.

All you have to do is follow the trail to see where they are coming from, and then treat that area.

When you use bug spray in California, the next day there will be piles of dead ants.

There were no dead bugs in my bathroom today.

These Texas fire ants are seriously messing with me.

I think their mission is to have me use so much Raid that I poison myself.

I can only imagine their ant joy when I finally collapse from the fumes of my own bug spray.

Then they will march in and bite me, keeping me just barely alive.

So they can watch me suffer.

I was really hoping for a more dignified ending.

Stupid ants.

Categories
storytelling

The Crazy Liquor Laws in Texas

the crazy liquor laws in Texas

THE CRAZY LIQUOR LAWS IN TEXAS

I’ll never get used to the crazy liquor laws in Texas.

In Texas, the grocery stores only sell beer and wine.

You have to go to a liquor store to buy anything else.

I don’t drink much, so I always forget.

I am out of vermouth.

I don’t even like to drink it, but I cook with it.

The liquor store is right near the grocery store, and it would be no problem to pop in.

If only I could remember to do it.

I decided to make a special trip to the liquor store today.

I even remembered that in Texas, you can’t buy any alcohol before noon on Sundays.

I planned my shopping trip for this afternoon.

Only to find out that the liquor store is closed on Sundays.

Seriously?

I googled all the other nearby liquor stores.

They are also closed on Sundays.

Why in the world would a liquor store close on a Sunday?

The day of rest is why we need liquor in the first place.

Sigh.

I’ll go on Monday.

Categories
family storytelling

Fire Ants Are Evil

Woman angry at fire ants

Fire Ants Are Evil

We’ve been in Texas for two years.

We’ve gotten rid of the chiggers.

We’ve controlled the mosquitos.

We’ve held the wasps at bay.

But there is nothing to be done about the fire ants.

They are evil.

They laugh when you spray them with Raid.

They thumb their little ant noses and continue on their devious ant missions.

I have several new bites on my hand.

How in the world did they get on my hand?

And why would they stop there?

Why didn’t they crawl up and bite my arm?

If I knew what made them stop after biting my hand, I would do that thing again.

And again and again and again.

Stupid ants.

Categories
storytelling

Yay Purple

Yay purple

YAY, PURPLE

When I left California, I really hated to leave my Jacaranda tree behind.

So I have planted some Vitex trees outside my back door here in Texas.

They’re not Jacaranda.

But they’re purple.

And they’re pretty.

And they’re blooming.

Yay, purple!

Categories
family storytelling

A Huge Tree

A huge tree

A HUGE TREE

I’ve got this huge tree in the front yard.

It’s out of control.

I called a tree guy in to give an estimate for service.

From a safe six feet away, the tree guy said it’s a Live Oak tree.

I kind of freaked out.

I can’t just have our oak tree trimmed in the front yard in full public view.

I need permits.

I need permission.

I will probably be refused the permit, and the tree will wreck the roof.

Eventually it will wreck the driveway, the sidewalk, the foundation and the plumbing.

And then I remembered that I don’t live in Thousand Oaks anymore.

I don’t need a permit to trim my overgrown oak tree.

Whew!

Categories
storytelling

Lifting the Quarantine

Lifting the quarantine

LIFTING THE QUARANTINE

They’re lifting the quarantine a bit in Texas.

I no longer have to be angry about not being able to go out.

I can go back to making excuses about why I don’t want to go out.

It’s great to be back to normal again.

Categories
family storytelling

Spring in North Texas

Spring in North Texas

SPRING IN NORTH TEXAS

The weather is starting to warm up.

It’s not hot enough for the air conditioner yet.

But the house is feeling kind of stuffy.

With the ceiling fan on, it gets too cold.

But with the ceiling fan off, it gets too stifling.

I’m working in my home office on a lovely 73-degree afternoon with the fan on as well as a sweater.

Welcome to spring in North Texas.

Categories
humor lifestyle weather

Spring is Tornado Season

Spring is Tornado Season

SPRING IS TORNADO SEASON

Spring is tornado season.

I was stocking up on emergency supplies.

Which got me to thinking…

Would our shelter, an interior bathroom, be called a panic room or a safe room?

I had to Google it.

It seemed, in the moment, to be much more urgent than any actual emergency.

It turns out that panic room and safe room mean the same thing.

An invulnernable shelter.

Well.

My mind is blown.

Categories
humor lifestyle

A Car Chase on TV

A car chase on TV

A CAR CHASE ON TV

There was a car chase on TV.

Everyone in DFW is talking about it.

It was kind of cute.

At least by LA standards.

The suspect appeared to be very polite.

He paused at all of the intersections.

He avoided hitting any other vehicles or structures.

He was very careful, during his off-road segments, not to damage his car.

You never see that kind of consideration in LA car chases.

When he finally stopped and got out of the car, though, he tried to run.

HAHA – nope, that’s not gonna happen.

He got sacked.

This was only mildly entertaining.

I miss LA car chases.

Categories
humor lifestyle

Hoping for a Texas-Sized Miracle

Hoping for a Texas-Sized Miracle

HOPING FOR A TEXAS-SIZED MIRACLE

I have discovered, much to my crushing disappointment, that the dentists in Texas use the same screechy power tools that they use in California.

I was hoping for some kind of Texas-sized miracle.

That miracle did not materialize.

Luckily, my dentist is kind and patient.

If you feel a disturbance in the force this afternoon, don’t worry.

It’s just me at the dentist, freaking out over the screechy power tools.