humor lifestyle storytelling

What is Wrong With the Ants in Texas?

What is wrong with the ants in Texas?


What is wrong with the ants in Texas?

I doused the bathroom with Raid yesterday.

Today there are still ants.

But they are not in a trail.

There is no rhyme or reason.

They were on the wall, they were in the sink, they were in a cabinet.

In California, the ants form a trail.

All you have to do is follow the trail to see where they are coming from, and then treat that area.

When you use bug spray in California, the next day there will be piles of dead ants.

There were no dead bugs in my bathroom today.

These Texas fire ants are seriously messing with me.

I think their mission is to have me use so much Raid that I poison myself.

I can only imagine their ant joy when I finally collapse from the fumes of my own bug spray.

Then they will march in and bite me, keeping me just barely alive.

So they can watch me suffer.

I was really hoping for a more dignified ending.

Stupid ants.


Yay Purple

Yay purple


When I left California, I really hated to leave my Jacaranda tree behind.

So I have planted some Vitex trees outside my back door here in Texas.

They’re not Jacaranda.

But they’re purple.

And they’re pretty.

And they’re blooming.

Yay, purple!

family storytelling

A Huge Tree

A huge tree


I’ve got this huge tree in the front yard.

It’s out of control.

I called a tree guy in to give an estimate for service.

From a safe six feet away, the tree guy said it’s a Live Oak tree.

I kind of freaked out.

I can’t just have our oak tree trimmed in the front yard in full public view.

I need permits.

I need permission.

I will probably be refused the permit, and the tree will wreck the roof.

Eventually it will wreck the driveway, the sidewalk, the foundation and the plumbing.

And then I remembered that I don’t live in Thousand Oaks anymore.

I don’t need a permit to trim my overgrown oak tree.


humor lifestyle

A Car Chase on TV

A car chase on TV


There was a car chase on TV.

Everyone in DFW is talking about it.

It was kind of cute.

At least by LA standards.

The suspect appeared to be very polite.

He paused at all of the intersections.

He avoided hitting any other vehicles or structures.

He was very careful, during his off-road segments, not to damage his car.

You never see that kind of consideration in LA car chases.

When he finally stopped and got out of the car, though, he tried to run.

HAHA – nope, that’s not gonna happen.

He got sacked.

This was only mildly entertaining.

I miss LA car chases.

humor lifestyle

Hoping for a Texas-Sized Miracle

Hoping for a Texas-Sized Miracle


I have discovered, much to my crushing disappointment, that the dentists in Texas use the same screechy power tools that they use in California.

I was hoping for some kind of Texas-sized miracle.

That miracle did not materialize.

Luckily, my dentist is kind and patient.

If you feel a disturbance in the force this afternoon, don’t worry.

It’s just me at the dentist, freaking out over the screechy power tools.

humor lifestyle weather

Power Outage

Power Outage


I received a text from SCE.

They told me that despite our medical exemption from voluntary rolling blackouts, we may experience a power outage due to fire conditions.

They told me to prepare.

Apparently SCE doesn’t realize that we have moved out of California.

I laughed and laughed.

Our insulin is secure in the fridge.

I don’t miss the Santa Ana winds at all.

Stay safe, Ventura County.

humor lifestyle weather

That Clown is Haunted

That clown is haunted


The storm on Sunday was severe.

The news is reporting that seven tornadoes touched down.

One of them was as big as an EF3.

I don’t like tornadoes.

At times like this, I miss California.

All I had to worry about in So Cal were earthquakes, fires, floods, power outages and outrageous gas prices.

But no tornadoes.

The thing that is really annoying me right now is that my neighbor’s massive blow-up clown is still standing.

Seven tornadoes couldn’t take that thing down.

That clown is haunted.

At least that’s what I think every morning while it watches me drink my coffee.

humor lifestyle weather




There were a couple of earthquakes in North Texas today.

The biggest was a 3.8.

The news reporters, in disaster-mode voices, reported that there was no damage noted.

Well duh.

You’ll have to do a whole lot better than a 3.8 to impress this SoCal girl.

Although I shouldn’t get cocky.

I still tend to freak out over tornadoes.

lifestyle weather




My California vacation is over.

Goodbye beach.

Goodbye perfect weather.

Goodbye family.

Goodbye friends.

Goodbye Baja style Mexican food.

I’m sad to go.

I’ll be back soon.

humor lifestyle

Just Dive In

Just dive in

Just dive in.

I know, the Pacific Ocean is freezing.

But if you dive right in, you only have to scream once.

Once you’re done screaming, you will have adjusted to the temperature.

If you go in inch by inch, you will have to scream many times.

And that’s really annoying.

In a desperate effort to stop the endless bellyaching, all of your friends will want to tackle you into the water.

Just dive in.