Tag: humor

Categories
Family

And Now We Wait

And Now We Wait

And Now We Wait

And now we wait.

We were expecting a monster hailstorm.

Bob tried to put both cars in the garage.

We have a tiny garage.

With the motorcycle, a huge tool bench and the lawn mowing equipment, we don’t have room to park the cars inside.

Bob played Tetris and managed to get both cars in.

However, it was jammed so tight that he couldn’t open the door to get out of the car.

I had to open the hatch on the Expedition so he could escape.

But there was no room for the motorcycle.

I suggested that he wheel it inside the house.

We have a large entryway.

There’s room.

Besides, he once put his gas tank in the dryer.

He also cooked some engine parts in the oven and scorched my butcher block afterward.

So why not crack some tiles in the entryway?

It would match the motorcycle-distressed décor of the rest of the house.

However, our very kind neighbor offered up a bit of space in his garage.

Our entryway has been spared.

This time.

And now we wait.

Categories
Dog

How the Tables Have Turned

How The Tables Have Turned

How The Tables Have Turned

Oh, how the tables have turned.

We were in the midst of a major rainstorm.

It had been gray and rainy all morning, but suddenly it turned pitch dark.

The wind began to howl.

And the rain started pelting in sideways.

My little dog was freaking out.

My last dogs were German Shepherds.

They would have stood guard to protect me, barking at the storm.

But not my little Wrigley.

She was trembling in fear, burying her snout in the crook of my elbow.

Oh, how the tables have turned.

Categories
Work

That Was Rude

That Was Rude

That Was Rude

Sometimes my English students say things that are horribly rude.

Rude by American standards.

Perhaps it’s OK from their own perspective…

I don’t argue values, but I sometimes mention the American point of view.

“In the US, it is not polite to call somebody fat.”

or

“In the US, it is impolite to ask someone how much money they make.”

Today we were speaking about world cuisines.

One man said that he does not like hot, spicy food.

A woman mocked him, “But you’re a MAN!”

I quickly changed the subject.

What a loaded topic.

I don’t have the words to address this issue.

And I’m fluent.

Categories
Family

Moving Day For The Grown Son

Moving Day

Moving Day

It was moving day for the Grown Son.

His old apartment was a run-down, crime-ridden tenement building.

In fact, while we were packing him up, the cops came several times.

Not for us, but still.

His new place is in a much nicer building.

And a much nicer neighborhood.

The new roommate is one of his best friends from high school.

He is neat, and The Grown Son is a slob.

Hopefully the kid will be a good influence on our little pig-dog.

I would hate to think that our little pig-dog might be a bad influence on the roommate.

Only time will tell…

Categories
Family

How To Get Out Of Chores. Don’t Tell Bob That It Was Easy.

How To Get Out Of Chores

How To Get Out Of Chores

I’m so nice.

Let me tell you all about it.

Bob mowed the lawn for the first time this spring.

The first mow is a huge job because the grass is so thick.

He sunk down into the couch in exhaustion, and then he said,

“Oh I forgot, it’s trash night.”

Because I’m so nice, I said, “Don’t get up, I’ll do it.” 

And then I instantly regretted my offer.

Because it was already dark.

There might be spiders.

Or a possum.

Or maybe even a cow.

Bob rolled his eyes and said, “Never mind, I’ll do it.”

But I insisted.

I am not a coward.

Well, I am, but still…

I braved the dark suburban wilds to haul the cans to the curb.

Bob told me not to worry.

I am small.

If anything should happen, he could easily fit me into one of the trash bins.

I was not reassured.

Not one bit.

The entire trash-can-hauling-in-the-dark incident turned out to be completely uneventful.

But don’t tell Bob.

He might expect me to do it again.

Categories
Work

Pi Day Celebration

Pi Day

Pi Day

It’s Pi Day.

It’s a great day for a homophone lesson for my ESL students.

I have a longstanding tradition of making whoopie pies on March 14.

I hit the kitchen to start baking.

Only to realize that I didn’t have any marshmallow cream.

This is one of the pitfalls of an empty nest.

No marshmallow cream.

No problem.

I can make vanilla cream instead.

Only to realize that I didn’t have any powdered sugar.

Another pitfall of the empty nest.

But again, no problem.

I don’t need no stinkin’ powered sugar.

I can make my own.

I made a very, very small batch this time.

A regular recipe makes a ton of huge whoopie pies.

What are the two of us going to do with that much food?

We need a bunch of teenage athletes and all of their teammates to tackle that many goodies.

I told my ESL classes that Americans love play-on-word humor.

They now understand why it is funny to eat pie on Pi Day.

They now know why it is funny to celebrate Pi Day on March 14.

I explained that it’s not a real holiday, it’s just an excuse to eat pie.

Happy Pi Day.

Categories
Lifestyle

I Intended To Slack Today

Slack

Slack

I intended to slack today.

I wanted to spend the day in my pajamas, drinking coffee and reading a book.

Instead, I found myself mopping the floors.

I’m kind of disappointed in myself.

But don’t judge me.

I had a good reason.

No one was home.

It’s rare that no one is home.

And it’s the perfect time to clean the floors.

When they are all home, someone always walks across the wet floor and ruins it.

I’ll say, “Stay out of there for a few minutes, the floor is wet.”

And they’ll walk across the floor anyway.

They’ll say things like,

“I didn’t hear you.”

Or

“I heard you, but I thought you were talking to HIM, not me.”

Or

“Don’t worry, I was careful, I didn’t slip and fall.”

Well, I intended to slack.

I failed.

But I’ve got clean floors, so there’s that.

I’ll slack another time.

Categories
Lifestyle

A Buzzfeed Quiz Says That I’m a Genius

Genius!

Genius!

I took a Buzzfeed quiz while I was waiting forever on hold.

The results said that I am a genius.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

Wait, was that genius?

Or genus?

I guess I’ll have to take that quiz again to verify my results.

Or maybe I’ll just stick with genius.

Yeah, genius, that works.

I heard it on Buzzfeed so it’s gotta be true…

Categories
Work

Awkward English Lesson

Awkward!

Awkward!

It was an awkward English lesson. 

My beginning online student told me, in halting language, that he had recently visited the United States.

He took a trip to San Diego.

And he took the opportunity to cross the border and visit Tijuana.

I asked him what he thought of Tijuana.

He paused for a moment, searching for the right word.

“Prostitutes.”

Oh.

But of course.

What else would be said in an awkward English lesson?

I quickly changed the subject.

Categories
Lifestyle

Fog Advisory

Fog Advisory

Fog Advisory

A heavy fog advisory was announced on the local news this morning.

I opened the front door to check out this North Texas fog.

I burst out laughing.

It was just a bit of mist in the air.

It’s not really fog until you can’t see the house across the street.

It’s not even a fog advisory until you can’t see the house next door.

I’m laughing now.

I won’t be laughing so hard come tornado season…