Tag: lifestyle

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Lifestyle

It’s Going To Be A Long and Regretful Day

A Long and Regretful Day

A Long and Regretful Day

I needed some change to tip my dog groomer.

I stopped at the QT on the corner to break a 20.

I was going to buy a pack of gum.

But then I saw the corn nuts.

I haven’t had corn nuts in years.

Oh, I used to love corn nuts.

I remembered a wonderful, tasty indulgence.

However, it soon became apparent that corn nuts haven’t aged well.

Or perhaps it’s me that hasn’t aged well.

I didn’t make this unfortunate discovery until I’d finished the entire lot.

It’s going to be a long and regretful day.

But at least I’ve got some cash to tip the groomer.

Categories
Family

I Saw It Online, It Must Be True

I Saw It Online

I Saw It Online

I read that younger siblings cause older siblings to have high blood pressure.

Seriously?

I saw it on line.

It must be true.

All right already.

Sheesh.

I’m sorry.

I’m sorry that you think I caused your high blood pressure.

There.

Are you happy now?

Categories
Lifestyle Toastmasters

No Thanks Charlotte, I’ll Pass

I'll Pass

I'll Pass

At our Toastmasters meeting this week, the theme was YouTube.

Which led to a general discussion of social media.

It brought to mind my new friend Charlotte, who has been a prominent figure in my life lately.

Charlotte has been messaging me, urging me to click her link to see pictures of her bodacious booty.

However, I am not the least bit interested in Charlotte’s bodacious booty.

In fact, I’m almost certain that Charlotte doesn’t have a bodacious booty.

I’ll bet Charlotte is a sloppy middle-aged guy in need of a shower and a toothbrush who is waiting for the perfect opportunity to drain my bank account.

No thanks, Charlotte, I’ll pass.

Categories
Lifestyle

This Is How It Ends, Isn’t It?

This is how it ends

This is how it ends

There were some robins in the Vitex trees outside my kitchen door.

They were brilliantly and spectacularly bright red.

I watched them, enchanted, for quite some time.

And then it hit me.

Old people watch birds.

I am watching birds.

Crap.

This is how it ends, isn’t it?

Categories
Dog

Poor, Dumb Little Dog

Poor, Dumb Little Dog

Poor, Dumb LIttle Dog

Oh my poor, dumb little dog.

We built a patio cover.

And now she can’t figure out the weather.

I was sitting on the patio, watching the rain.

She poked her nose out of the doggy door and came out to join me.

She was a little perplexed because she could see the rain and she could hear the rain, and she could smell the rain, but it wasn’t raining.

She tried to step off the patio, but it was, in fact, raining.

She quickly stepped back under the cover.

She tried another side of the patio.

Yeah, it was raining there too.

She went back to the first spot, and yes, it was still raining over there.

She gave me a perplexed look.

And didn’t seem to appreciate that I laughed at her.

She rage sighed and stalked back indoors.

Poor dumb little dog.

Categories
Work

I Don’t Have a Contract With You

I Don't Have A Contract

I Don't Have a Contract

An English teaching account that I haven’t worked for in years has been contacting me to substitute.

“I don’t have a contract with you,” I always respond, “Please take me off your mailing list.”

They continue to send requests.

I am tempted to accept the job.

And then not show up.

What are they going to do?

Cancel my contract?

That might get me off their mailing list.

But I won’t do it.

It’s unprofessional.

The students would be the ones to suffer.

I always love the students, even if I don’t love the admin.

I have stopped responding to their requests.

I’m hoping that ignoring them will get me off their mailing list.

So far it hasn’t worked.

But I’ll keep trying.

Or not trying.

Whatever.

Categories
Family

It Was a Mystery

A Mystery

A Mystery

It was a mystery.

At 6:00 am, there was an enormous mess of a white powdery dust all over the kitchen floor.

It started in the pantry and trailed across the kitchen.

The trash cans were covered it in.

The laundry room had also been nailed.

It’s where we keep the cleaning supplies, and the broom and dustpan were covered in it too.

My first thought was drugs.

Yeah, I like to watch crime shows.

My head said flour.

But my heart was hoping that Lennie Briscoe would come knocking on my door.

I had two suspects.

The first Grown Son is a slob and would never clean up his own mess.

Since an attempt was made to sweep, he was eliminated as a suspect.

The second Grown Son occasionally makes a slight effort to clean up.

He got the blame.

But he vehemently denied it.

The first Grown Son was confronted.

He burst out laughing and confessed that he had knocked over the flour during a midnight snack.

I informed him that flour can’t be cleaned with a broom.

It just flies around and makes an even bigger mess.

This situation calls for the shop vac.

We’ve got our own Breaking Bad crime drama right here at home.

Or maybe not.

Categories
Family

They Are In No Position To Judge

No position to judge

No position to judge

THEY ARE IN NO POSITION TO JUDGE

The pregnant giraffe that I have been obsessed with since last fall still hasn’t given birth.

Apparently they misjudged her due date.

They misjudged it by a long shot.

I still follow her on YouTube every day.

The Grown Sons continue make fun of me.

They say they could just upload any old video of a giraffe birth.

“Seen one, you’ve seen ‘em all,” they say with callous, youthful indifference.

But I’ve grown attached to Johari.

I want to see HER baby, not any old YouTube clip.

Besides, the Grown Sons have been known to watch videos of other people playing video games.

They are in no position to judge.

Categories
Lifestyle

If I Never See Snow Again…

If I never see snow again

If I never see snow again

That was the weirdest week of my life.

Now I know how the Donner Party felt.

If it had gone on any longer, I might have turned into Jack Nicholson in The Shining.

“Honey, I’m hooome.”

At one point, three days in, with no power and no water and freaking frigid temperatures, the electricity finally came back on.

I was like a kid at Christmas!

I bustled about, tidying up, anticipating the house heating up.

I was especially waiting for the water heater.

Oh, how I wanted hot water.

And then….

And then the power went out again.

I could have wept for my lost shower opportunity.

I zipped my parka back up and plopped back under all of my blankets.

And waited.

And waited.

And waited.

And…finally…the power came back on!

This time I was more cautious.

It might not last.

After an hour, I thought that maybe the electricity was here to stay.

Should I take a shower?

By this time it was late at night.

If we lost power again, I would be stranded in the pitch dark.

In single-digit temperatures.

Should I risk it?

We’re still on boil-water orders.

What if the water isn’t clean?

Oh, but what the heck.

I’ve waited long enough.

I brought a flashlight just in case.

It was the most glorious shower I have ever had in my life.

If I had gotten violently ill from dirty water, it still would have been worth it.

But I didn’t get sick.

If I never see snow again, it will be too soon.

Categories
Lifestyle

Put Down That Fork

Put Down That Fork

Put Down That Fork

Today I have an appointment.

What might have been just an errand a year ago is now an occasion.

I put on real pants, not yoga pants.

I put on real shoes, not slippers.

And all I can say is, “OUCH!”

Everything is too tight.

Well now I know what I need to do.

I’m going to dress in real clothes every day from now on.

The pain and suffering will remind me to PUT DOWN THAT FORK!

That’s how it works, right?