Grand Slam Communication
I am worried about coronavirus.
Both of the Grown Sons have type one diabetes.
With a compromised immune system, they are at high risk.
I discussed precautionary flu measures with them.
They both assured me that they have been methodically licking all public surfaces.
Yep, I’ve raised a couple of smarta$$es.
Oddly, that gives me a great measure of comfort.
They’re going to be OK.
Spring is tornado season.
I was stocking up on emergency supplies.
Which got me to thinking…
Would our shelter, an interior bathroom, be called a panic room or a safe room?
I had to Google it.
It seemed, in the moment, to be much more urgent than any actual emergency.
It turns out that panic room and safe room mean the same thing.
An invulnernable shelter.
Well.
My mind is blown.
I did it.
I watched The Bachelor.
Everyone is talking about it, so I had to see what’s going on.
The guy who is starring this season is from my hometown.
So it’s got that going for it.
I only lasted about three minutes.
I couldn’t take any more.
Eww.
I feel violated.
And dirty.
All I can think of is the quote from Billy Madison, “…everyone in this room now dumber for having listened to you…”
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go bleach my eyeballs.
And my ears.
And my soul.
The dog barked to go out at 5:00 am.
Bob dealt with it.
When I got up some time later, I expected to find the coffee brewed.
I was bitterly disappointed to see that Bob had fallen back to sleep on the couch.
And there was no coffee.
The beauty of not getting up with the dog is the expectation of hot coffee waiting for me.
Bob laughed and laughed and laughed.
Yeah, happy Leap Day to you too.
I’ll get my revenge.
On the next Leap Day.
Today I had sound problems in my online English class.
The students couldn’t hear me.
I could hear them.
And they could hear each other.
But they couldn’t hear me.
They could read my chats, so I set them up with an exercise, and I contacted the tech guy for help with the sound.
He said that he couldn’t hear me.
Exactly.
That’s my problem, I told him via the chat box.
No one can hear me.
Can you please help me fix my sound?
I can’t hear you, he repeated.
Ah, now I understand the problem.
The tech guy needs English lessons too.
It’s been a long time since I’ve heard any pick up lines.
But I know it when I hear it.
Under any other circumstances, I might have delivered a scathing, caustic, blistering response designed to reduce the gentleman in question to self-loathing tears.
But I didn’t do it.
Because this gentleman was four years old.
He was wearing bright green pajamas.
With a yellow dinosaur on the belly.
I sat down on the floor and engaged him in a discussion about French fries.
Because that’s what you do.
Later, I spoke with his dad.
He ruefully explained that the kid already has a girlfriend in preschool.
This dad certainly has his hands full.
Guys, don’t try that dinosaur pajama trick.
It will backfire.
Once you’re over two-and-a-half feet tall, it’s not cute anymore.
Today is George Washington’s birthday.
It’s also National Margarita Day.
Is there a connection?
I don’t recall the history books mentioning that George drank margaritas.
Although, after a hard day of crossing the Delaware, a margarita would have been a nice touch.
At our Elite Toastmasters meeting, Tim Mullins’ grammarian report was totally bogus.
Haha, just kidding.
Bogus was the word of the day.
Tim’s presentation was totally bodacious.
I have failed, once again, in my lifelong quest to never make cute food again.
It’s always a disaster.
This time I tried to make Valentine heart cookies.
They looked cute before they were baked.
But they puffed up in the oven.
And came out looking rather eczematous.
I wasn’t sure if they needed frosting or cortisone cream.
Well they turned out tasty even if they weren’t pretty.
And I will continue my quest to avoid making cute food.
Happy Valentine’s Day!
Today my English students talked about phobias.
Spiders.
Snakes.
Lightening.
The dark.
In every class, the students seemed to have similar fears.
Except for one man.
He stated that he is afraid of his wife.
She is a very angry woman.
To alleviate his fear, he drinks a lot of beer.
Well.
That escalated quickly.