Tag: humor

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Lifestyle

A Huge Texas Fly

A Huge Texas Fly

A Huge Texas Fly

I recently cornered a huge Texas fly in my bathroom.

I shut the all doors and started swatting at it with a towel.

I knew I couldn’t actually hit it – it was way too fast for me.

My intention was to keep it flying frantically around the room.

I planned to kill it with exhaustion.

It was so big that it made a distinct “thunk” noise every time it hit a wall.

Which was often.

I kept thinking, “Well that’s gotta hurt…”

But the fly just kept on flying, oblivious to any traumatic brain injury.

This bug had a very strong will to live.

Its will to live was stronger than my will to kill it.

I got bored.

I quit.

Huge Texas Fly 1, Human 0.

Categories
Work

It Was For RESEARCH!

Research

Research

I swear, it was for research.

I’m a script reader.

I read book and movie manuscripts,

and I write a technical analysis.

Sometimes I have no idea what the writer is talking about.

I have to research the topic.

If I ever got hacked and someone saw my recent Google searches,

all I can say is,

“It was for RESEARCH!”

Seriously.

Categories
Lifestyle

Your Name is Liar

I was speaking with a friend the other day, a friend whose name is Liar.

He told me that he had been to the County Fair.

He had eaten an objectionable type of drumstick.

And some corn dipped in an equally horrifying type of butter.

I didn’t believe a word he said.

This guy is known to be a teller of tall tales.

I’m 99% certain it was all lies.

But what if it was the truth?

Do they really sell these disturbing kinds of foods?

It’s the fair, after all, and anything is possible.

I guess I’ll have to take myself to the Texas State Fair when it opens.

I’ll have to see for myself what kind of horrifying offerings are on the Fair Food Circuit.

And then I will say to my friend, a la Will Ferrell,

“Your name is Liar…”

Categories
Family

The Art Museum

The Art Museum

The Art Museum

I visited the art museum the other day.

I played tourist.

There is a Monet exhibit that I wanted to see.

Bob refused to come with me.

Apparently I have tried his last nerve.

He’s done being dragged to cultural events.

Big sigh…

I pointed out that if I was his date rather than his wife, he would eagerly accompany me to the museum.

He laughed and laughed and laughed.

This, I informed him, is why boyfriends are better than husbands.

It is also why sisters are better than husbands.

However, I don’t have any sisters nearby.

I took myself to the art museum alone.

And I had a surprisingly wonderful time.

No one bugged me.

No one urged me to hurry up.

No one complained that they were hungry.

I could take as long as I wanted.

But don’t tell Bob that I enjoyed myself.

He feels kind of bad that he ditched me.

I’m gonna milk it.

Categories
Lifestyle

Tornado Sirens

Tornado Sirens

Tornado Sirens

Tornado sirens!

Panic!

And then calm.

It’s Wednesday.

There are no tornadoes on a Wednesday afternoon.

Just tornado sirens.

It’s the rule.

Whew…

Categories
Family

The Kid is a Genius

Genius

Genius

The kid is a genius.

He went on vacation.

He’s not old enough to rent a car.

So he rented a U-Haul.

U-Haul has a lower age standard than the car rental agencies.

He sent me some pictures.

OMG – I can’t stop laughing.

The kid is a genius.

Or a moron.

Or maybe a little of both…

Categories
Work

The Conversation Class

Conversation Class

Conversation Class

I’m the teacher in the English conversation class.

I’m the one who is fluent.

But sometimes my students leave me utterly speechless…

Today’s conversation topic was “At the Gym.”

The class started talking about yoga.

Fair enough.

But then one man said that he refuses to practice yoga.

“If I practice yoga, I will turn into a woman.”

The rest of the class agreed.

They discussed men they knew who began doing yoga.

And then turned into a woman.

Oh goodness.

That’s not how it works.

And this is NOT a discussion topic that I intend to moderate.

I redirected the conversation to swimming.

Note to self – NEVER discuss yoga in the conversation class again.

Categories
Lifestyle

I Learned a New Expression in Spanish

A New Expression In Spanish

A New Expression in Spanish

I learned a new expression in Spanish today in the line at the grocery store.

The old guy in front of me had on a shirt with a Spanish phrase.

Underneath, it said, “you are my friend.”

The woman behind me said, “That’s not what that means.”

“You’re right,” I said, “That doesn’t mean ‘friend’.”

“I think it means ‘jerk’.”

“Let’s Google it.”

The old guy protested his innocence.

He swore he didn’t know what it meant.

But he was cracking up.

And he spoke with a Spanish accent.

His sincerity was questionable.

By this time the clerk was interested.

So were the rest of the folks in line.

It turns out that the phrase does not mean “you are my friend.”

Not even close.

But we all had a good laugh.

And now I learned a new expression in Spanish.

Categories
Lifestyle

We Took the Kayaks Out

Kayaks

Kayaks

We took the kayaks out to Lake Palo Pinto for their maiden voyage.

We paddled and paddled and paddled and paddled and paddled.

And then realized that we had to row back in.

It was windy and hot and uphill in every direction.

I lost my will to live somewhere around the Palo Pinto Dam.

It sank right to the bottom of the lake.

When we returned, we had a cold beer and a hot meal waiting for us.

So it was all good.

If anyone ever finds my will to live out there, just reel it in, and I’ll come and pick it up.

But maybe not with the kayaks.

Categories
Lifestyle

Unseasonably Cool Weather

Unseasonably Cool Weather

Unseasonably Cool Weather

We are having  unseasonably cool weather here in DFW.

Meanwhile, back in my hometown in So Cal, they are suffering a sizzling heat wave.

It’s cooler here in Texas than it is on the coast.

If any of you overheated beach folk need to escape that heat, y’all can come out here and visit me.

We’re having unseasonably cool weather here in Texas.