Tag: humor

Categories
Lifestyle

Fire Ants Are Evil

Fire Ants Are Evil

Fire Ants Are Evil

We’ve been in Texas for two years.

We’ve gotten rid of the chiggers.

We’ve controlled the mosquitos.

We’ve held the wasps at bay.

But there is nothing to be done about the fire ants.

They are evil.

They laugh when you spray them with Raid.

They thumb their little ant noses and continue on their devious ant missions.

I have several new bites on my hand.

How in the world did they get on my hand?

And why would they stop there?

Why didn’t they crawl up and bite my arm?

If I knew what made them stop after biting my hand, I would do that thing again.

And again and again and again.

Stupid ants.

Categories
Work

What Do You Say When You Agree?

Say what?

Say what?

The interpreters in my ESL classes are often useless.

Sometimes they are downright awful.

Today’s lesson was about expressions indicating agreement.

Of course, absolutely, that’s right, no kidding, certainly.

“What do you say when you agree?” is what I asked.

“What do you say when you are gay?” is what

the interpreter wrote in the chat box.

Oh.

Goodness.

That is not what I said.

That is not the correct interpretation.

That is certainly not the topic of the day.

Proofread before you post, interpreters.

Please proofread.

Categories
Lifestyle

Ant Bite Status

Ant Bite Status

Ant Bite Status

Update on my ant bite status:

OUCH!!!

I have at least 15 bites on my foot.

Although it’s hard to count because some of them

are blending into each other.

I also have several bites on my hand where I swatted at them.

I have been dousing the bites in vinegar nonstop.

It’s a very stinky solution.

But it eases the pain.

Stupid ants.

Categories
Lifestyle

A Fire Ant Bite

A Fire Ant Bite

A Fire Ant Bite

The only thing worse than a fire ant bite is several fire ant bites.

Yep, I stepped on an ant hill.

For a moment, I was wearing an ant sock.

I got about half a dozen bites, and I’m surprised there weren’t more.

Right now it’s just a little sting.

But I know that in the middle of the night, I am going to wake up with napalm-filled blisters.

Stupid ants.

Categories
Work

We Were Talking About Pets

Talking About Pets

Talking About Pets

Today in my ESL class, we were talking about pets.

One of the students mixed up his vocabulary.

He asked, “How do you play with your little uncle?”

He meant to say puppy instead of uncle.

And now I can’t get that disturbing image out of my mind.

Categories
Lifestyle

I Was Putting Away the Folded Laundry

folded laundry

Folded Laundry

I was putting away the folded laundry.

I held it in my arms instead of a laundry basket.

All my laundry baskets have disappeared since both boys have moved back home.

I wasn’t wearing my glasses.

And I couldn’t hit the light switch because my hands were full.

I tried to make my way blind and in the dark.

I tried, but I failed.

I dropped all of the folded laundry.

And then I tripped over the pile.

So yeah, that’s how my day is starting out.

If anyone needs me, I’ll be day drinking and cursing.

Categories
Family

The Grown Son Wanted to Shower

He wanted a shower

He wanted a shower

The Grown Son wanted to shower in the master shower.

But The Husband was on a conference call in the master bedroom.

I told him to use the hall bathroom.

But he tiptoed in anyway.

An hour later, I got a whispered, urgent phone call from the Grown Son.

Upon entering the bathroom, he realized the shower would be too loud.

So he waited.

And waited.

And waited.

He whispered angrily that he had been in the bathroom for over an hour.

I laughed and laughed and laughed.

The Grown Son was in a panic.

His phone was almost out of battery.

And the conference call didn’t show any sign of ending soon.

I told him to sit tight.

And wait.

Maybe, one day, maybe, just maybe, he will listen.

Categories
Lifestyle

The Habit of An Afternoon Nap

An Afternoon Nap

An Afternoon Nap

An afternoon nap has become my habit during these months of the quarantine.

Also, during this same time period, I have started to wake up every morning at 4:00 am.

I’m starting to think that there’s a correlation between napping and waking up so early.

To be fair, I need the nap since I get up so early.

To be honest, I would probably sleep better at night if I didn’t nap during the day.

I should probably quit the afternoon nap.

Maybe tomorrow.

Categories
Family

I Have a Confession to Make

A Confession

A Confession

I have a confession to make.

It was when I had that connection problem in the Zoom meeting.

It wasn’t a connection problem.

The Grown Son had peeked into my office.

He saw that I was on a conference call.

He got on his hands and knees to crawl below the camera.

He placed a Chick-fil-A waffle fry on my desk.

Then he winked and crawled back out.

That’s when the “connection problem” happened.

I had to turn off the camera to eat that waffle fry.

I had to mute the mic to shout, “Thank you, you are my current favorite child.”

Like magic, my connection problem was suddenly resolved.

I have no regrets.

Categories
Family

Back to School

back to school

Back to school

I would not have survived going back to school with social distancing.

I’m so glad my kids are grown.

My kid is the one who would have constructed a six-foot-long device out of random objects and duct tape.

He would have poked at all of the other kids saying, “I’m not touching you, I’m not touching you.”

When I told him this, he burst out laughing and agreed that he would have done exactly that.

Then he constructed a six-foot-long poking device out of random objects and duct tape.

And he poked me.

It never ends.