Categories
Lifestyle

Happy Valentine’s Day, But Be Mine Applies To My Identity

Be Mine

Be Mine!

This morning I opened my inbox to a slew of Valentine friend requests.

All from Very Handsome Men, asking to Be Mine.

Every one of them was widowed.

None of them had any posts, any friends, or any kind of connection to me.

A bit sketchy, don’t you think?

Yeah, nah, I’ll pass.

I don’t choo-choo-choose you.

I won’t be your Valentine.

I say Be Mine to my own identity.

Happy Valentine’s Day!

LEARN STORYTELLING TECHNIQUES!

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Categories
Diabetes

You Catch More Flies With Honey, But Honey Has Its Limits

You Catch More Flies With Honey

You Catch More Flies With Honey

You might think that the hardest part of T1 diabetes would be the injections.

Or maybe the middle-of-the-night lows.

Or maybe all of the finger sticks.

And yeah, it’s all tough.

But it’s not the worst thing.

The worst part of T1 diabetes is the phone calls.

Seriously.

They’ll drive you right over the edge.

The Grown Son saw the doctor and had blood work in December.

Since that time, he’s made many phone calls to the doctor’s office to ask them to call his prescriptions in to the pharmacy.

They say they’ll do it.

But it hasn’t been done.

Today the Grown Son asked me to make some calls to see if I could make any headway on his behalf.

The doctor’s office told me that they couldn’t call in the prescriptions because he hadn’t been seen in a year.

I took a deep breath.

I reminded myself that you catch more flies with honey.

And I carried on.

“He was seen in December,” I told the lady on the phone, “Which was technically last year but in reality was six weeks ago. Please call in his prescriptions.”

“But he hasn’t had blood work done in a year,” she continued.

“Again, ‘last year’ was six weeks ago,” I kept my cool, “He’s right on schedule with his blood work. Please call in his prescriptions.”

“He needs to be seen every quarter with blood work, otherwise we can’t continue his prescriptions.”

“Yes Ma’am,” I replied, dripping with honey, “He was seen, with blood work, in September and again in December, and he has an upcoming appointment in March. He’s right on schedule. Please call in his prescriptions.”

It took an eternity for this lady to realize that “last year” was just six weeks ago.

She finally agreed to call in his prescriptions.

I thanked her for her time.

Because you catch more flies with honey.

As soon as I hung up, though, I called her every foul name in the book.

Honey has its limits.

I’VE GOT LOTS MORE DIABETES STORIES!

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Categories
Dog

It Was Awful, But My Happy Dog Has No Regrets

No Regrets

No Regrets

The ice is starting to melt outside.

We let Blue out for her morning romp.

She returned inside, covered in mud.

Absolutely covered, from head to toe.

It was awful.

She’s in bad need of a grooming, but I put it off so she would have a thick, warm coat for the cold weather.

Now she has a thick, muddy, matted coat.

The weather is still really cold, so we couldn’t hose her off outside.

We had to put her in the bathtub.

It was awful.

Mud was everywhere.

It was like a mud blender went off, without the lid.

Blue had a blast.

She loved the warm water.

She basked in all of the attention.

She has absolutely no regrets.

Not a care in the world.

She’d do it again in a heartbeat, if we let her.

We won’t let her.

She’s going to the groomer next week.

After we dry out.

READ MORE DOG STORIES!

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Categories
Lifestyle

This California Girl Is Prepared For Anything

Prepared for anything

Prepared For Anything

You can take the girl out of California.

But you can’t take the California out of the girl.

We’re in the middle of Snowmageddon 2023 here in North Texas.

The snow isn’t actually that bad.

It’s the ice that’s the problem.

I can’t get to the grocery store.

I thought this storm was going to be a one-day event.

It’s turning into a week-long thing.

We’re running out of food.

But not really.

Because this California girl is prepared for anything.

I’ve always got earthquake supplies.

We ran out of fresh milk.

But I’ve got plenty of the powered stuff.

Don’t get me wrong – powered milk is disgusting to drink.

But it’s fine for cooking.

I used powered milk to make chicken and dumplings.

And pancakes.

We might run out of sandwich things before this is over.

But I’ve got plenty of burrito fixings stashed away.

No one goes hungry around here.

When this is over, I’ll have to restock my earthquake supplies.

If we have a disaster before then, I’m not worried.

I have a second tier of disaster supplies.

This California girl is prepared for anything.

Except maybe a tornado.

I’ll never be ready for that.

HOW TO CREATE YOUR OWN FABULOUS STORIES TO TELL!

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Categories
Lifestyle

Maybe Next Year, But This Year It’s Too Risky.

Maybe Next Year

Maybe Next Year

Snow! It’s snowing!

We get snow every winter, but usually it’s just a dusting.

The problem this year is that it’s more rain than snow, and it’s all turning to ice.

I put on my winter gear and set off outside to check out the winter wonderland.

And then I turned and went right back inside.

My postop knee is about 70% recovered, but that 30% of wobble was terrified of the ice.

Ice is everywhere, even in places that usually stay dry.

The last thing I need is a slip-and-fall accident.

Yeah, nah, I’ll pass.

I’m not gonna do it.

I’ll enjoy the winter wonderland from indoors.

Sorry, winter boots, we’re sitting this one out.

Maybe next year we’ll walk in the snow.

LEARN TO TELL GREAT STORIES!

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Categories
Lifestyle

Darnit January, Why Are You Being So Difficult?

Darnit January

Darnit January!

Oh January.

That stark, bleak month when all the Christmas goodies have disappeared from the house.

Several times a day I’ll rummage through the kitchen, hopful that maybe this time I’ll find a hidden cookie or candy.

I never find it.

There are no more treats in this house.

An hour or so later, I’ll rummage again.

Maybe this time I’ll find a sweet.

I never find it.

Old Mother Hubbard has made her annual appearance.

The cupboards are most certainly bare.

All the sweets have been purged.

There are only healthy things to eat now.

I know this.

But still, I rummage, ever hopeful.

Darnit, January.

PERSONAL STORIES – HOW TO TELL THEM!

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Categories
Lifestyle

This Story Won’t Get Posted Until Everyone Thinks It’s Funny

It’s not funny.

It’s been a crazy awful week in my household.

One disaster is happening right after another.

Just when I think the bad luck is over, another awful thing happens.

Like the song says, sometimes you’re the windshield and sometimes you’re the bug.

This week, I’m the bug.

There’s nothing to do but take a deep breath and figure it all out.

“Are you going to post a story about this?” a friend asked.

Nope.

It’s not funny.

Although now that I think about it, maybe it’s a little bit funny.

In a grim, twisted, gallows-humor sort of way.

Yeah, I’ll write that piece.

I won’t post it, though, until the other characters in the story approve.

Yeah, I have a warped sense of humor.

But I also have standards.

Categories
Lifestyle

No Way, Never

No Way, Never

I’m Getting the Heebie Jeebies Just Thinking About It!

All my leggings are falling apart.

I’ve been wearing a brace on my leg since the knee injury.

Leggings are the only pants I can wear.

The brace is wearing holes in the fabric.

It’s summertime now.

I could wear shorts or a sundress to save the wear on the leggings.

But that would create a bigger problem.

Velcro.

On my skin.

Nope.

For the love of God, no.

Velcro must never touch my skin.

No way, never.

I’m getting the heebie jeebies just thinking about it.

My surgery hasn’t even happened yet.

I have a long summer of Velcro ahead of me.

I’ll just mend my worn-out leggings.

When this is all over, I’m going to burn my ragged, patched-up, old clothes.

Maybe I’ll burn the brace as well.

I never want to see Velcro again.

Categories
Lifestyle

What The Heck Was Going On?

What The Heck

What the Heck Were They Thinking?

What the heck?

This morning, driving out of my neighborhood, I got behind a very, very, very slow car.

They put on their turn signal, so I figured they’d be gone quickly.

But no.

They switched the turn signal to the hazard lights.

OK, they’re having car trouble.

They need to pull over and take care of business.

Six cars have piled up behind me.

They started to pull over to the curb, but then decided not to, and they continued driving very, very, very slowly, positioning their car so that no one could pass.

What the heck?

At the intersection, they sat in the right turn lane while signaling left.

After they turned right, they flipped off the hazards and sped up to keep pace with traffic.

I have just a few choice words for them.

What.

The.

F***.

You.

F***ing.

F***s.

Categories
Lifestyle

My Blackberries Are Ripe!

My Blackberries Are Ripe! However, Dignity Seems To Be In Short Supply.

My blackberries are ripe!

Well, the first lot is ready.

There will be a new batch ripening every day for a couple of weeks.

I brought a bucket outside and started picking.

I’m so excited.

Bob can make me blackberry smoothies when I have my knee surgery.

I was happily filling my bucket when it happened.

A snake.

I stepped on a snake.

I had read that copperheads like blackberry bushes.

And sure enough, there it was.

I did the only thing I could think of in the moment.

I screamed at the top of my lungs.

You probably heard me all the way across the country.

And then…

And then I realized.

It wasn’t a snake.

It was Blue’s rope toy.

Well that was a waste of a good hair-raising scream.

Karma must have been lurking over my shoulder.

A raised nail head on the fence ripped a hole in the seat of my pants.

I guess that’s what I get for screeching so loud over a doggy toy.

I sacrificed my pants.

And my dignity.

But I’ve got fresh blackberries so it’s worth it.