Mostly True Memoirs

A Win-Win Situation

I went all summer without any bug bites.

The bugs have suddenly realized that they need to catch up.

There was a party on my left ankle last night.

The thing I have learned, since moving to Bug Country,

is NOT to scratch.

Scratching spreads the venom and makes the itching even worse.

If you can hold off scratching, the misery subsides quicker.

How do you stop the itching?

Vinegar.

It’s a very stinky procedure.

But it works.

I sloshed vinegar on my ankle all morning.

The swelling subsided.

The itching stopped.

And my family has stayed far, far away from me.

Vinegar – it stops the itching,

AND it keeps the family at bay.

It’s a win-win situation all around.

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Mostly True Memoirs

First World Problem

I cut my finger slicing vegetables.

It was a tiny cut.

But it hurt because it was the on the tip with all the nerve endings.

I pulled out my trusty superglue to seal up the wound.

Problem solved!

Not so fast…

With all that superglue, my phone didn’t recognize my fingerprint.

I had to type in my password.

But the touch screen wouldn’t respond to my superglued finger.

I know, I know, I have nine other fingers.

But it was awkward.

My old-school solution created a first-world problem.

Sigh…

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Mostly True Memoirs

Again?

Recently I gave some sage advice about NOT putting plastic dishes on the hot stove.

Apparently the Grown Son didn’t heed my advice.

I found a kind-of melted, disfigured plastic dish in the kitchen.

Apparently he caught it before it completely melted.

It was the plastic microwave dish cover.

Like a moth to a flame, this thing just keeps landing on the hot stove.

Luckily they are cheap at Target.

I need a new one.

Maybe I’ll buy two.

Just in case.

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Mostly True Memoirs

The Perfect Crime

Bob always mows the lawn himself.

While we were on vacation, he hired a guy to take care of it.

Apparently the gardener never showed up.

The grown son, who did a surprisingly good job of keeping the house tidy in our absence, forgot to mention the no-show lawn guy.

It’s now a jungle out there.

Poor Bob.

He’s got a huge job to do today.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he finds some old appliances or even cars dumped out there.

Maybe even a body.

Bob won’t care, though.

It’s too hot.

He’ll just shovel up the evidence with the lawn clippings so he can go inside for a cold beer.

It’s the perfect crime.

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Mostly True Memoirs

Just Dive In

Just dive in.

I know, the Pacific Ocean is freezing.

But if you dive right in,

you only have to scream once.

Once you’re done screaming,

you will have adjusted to the temperature.

If you go in inch by inch,

you will have to scream many times.

And that’s really annoying.

In a desperate effort to stop the endless bellyaching,

all of your friends will want to tackle you into the water.

Just dive in.

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Mostly True Memoirs

Grown but not Mature

The grown son told me that his friend will be passing through town.

Could I put him up in my spare room?

I said of course.

The grown son asked if I could make a special dinner.

I said of course.

Lasagna?

I said of course.

But, I told him, I’ll need you to go to the store for some things.

The grown son rolled his eyes and huffed in annoyance.

Proving that “grown” and “mature” aren’t quite the same thing.

Not yet anyway.

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